why oh why........?

Question

.......do people make such a big fuss when they find out that a girl is not a virgin and make her go through hell, yet men are just left alone, just because "they're men"??? I'm referring to most African cultures who value virginity and strongly emphasise on "no sexual relations before marriage." It makes it seem as if that phrase is only referring to the females. Men and women are the same. A friend called me and said he wasn't happy and i asked him why, and he says he found out on his honeymoon with his new wife that she wasn't a virgin, and i asked if HE was one before the engagement and he say, "....no, and it doesn't really matter, because I'M A MAN......." think about it people, sex before marriage DOES refer to both male and female, why the pressure on the ladies ALL THE TIME.....i'm mainly referring to the African cultures.

well yes, Slartibartfast, i am frustrated, not because i'm going through it but seeing my fellow ladies suffer and being used....gosh it hurts, and the men always get away with it, oh well, such is life, i guess. Just wanted to find out what people think, it's a controversial issue back in my country of birth.

Answer 1

I have a personal theory,
Man attributes 'badness' in women to anything that is abundant in man himself- ie, because a man has hairy legs, its is bad/ugly that she have them. Because men burp in publi it is revolting that a woman do so. Because men are weak willed and thus indiscrete when it comes to sex, it is the utmost wrong and shame when a woman is also this weak.
It has been this way since the Bible times, where womens virginity is questioned and 'proof' is sought out after a marriage night and if it isnt found the woman can be fined, divorced, even killed, her family outcast, etc...
Man, in his guilty conscience, and his weak spirit, denies the guilt he knows he has. He also sees this "other" human and expects it not be not like him. He separates woman, for whatever reason, form the human race that he bleongs to and places her in a diffeent branch of huimanity, and therefore holds her to ahuman (un-male, that is) moral ideals.
This is just my way of seeing it. Men are ALWAYS inverting negatives within themselves. They only hate what is their own fault or weakness, when they see it in a woman. Therefore, they do not hate or judge a woman for being sexual (in psychological terms, I am saying now) if they are comfortable with the idea of sexual liberty within themselves.If they have a hangup within their own conscience about their OWN activity, they will internally (deeply) hate themselves and fear the guilt they bear and fear judgement, rejection, a lessening of worth or whatever as a consequence. They will always point to Eve before they will ever admit what they themselves ahve done wrong and say "But she made me do it" and any variation on that sentence....
I have studied abusive pathology, and it always turns out that the man blames the woman or accuses her of HIS own wrongdoing. I extend this theory beyond abusive scenarios and into male psychology in general, especially when a man is under threat or psychological distress. His own ugliness, he places on her, makes her bear his guilt, and hates her instead of himself (this is a lot easier to do, plus it does not threaten his exitsence) and thus we see this overwhelming existence of 'double stadards', where a man will do something freely and often, that if a woman were to do she would be crucified. Its only because men hate themselves, their weakness, their behavior, their lack of self-control, etc....
Look at some men's answers, and they might sound like this- 'because we dont want her to do what we do' --read those answers closely and it shows their true feelings AGAINST THEMSELVES.....

And the basic explanation is selfishness- man is selfish and possessive, and want something all to themselves. Plus they regard women as an indulgence to enjoy, and thus they become objectified, and like a mere thing rather than person/being, which only adds to the mentality of wanting something 'new' to 'the self' and never to share. Also, mans/humans sexual nature is primitive or lesser developed socially, if you will, so that it is much more infantile than other aspects of character. It is more like a young child, who is selfish, egocentric, and unwilling to share his/her things with someone else, and who doesnt see beyond their own interest. Consider if someone were to intervene in persons sexual development as they do with other areas of development, and perhaps this owuldnt be happening. (ie, as the parents teach the child to share thier toys, and not be so selfish, so the parents could/should teach the young adult to not be so selfish sexually/romantically...)
Im not preaching polygamy or open relationships at all but am just opposed to the possessiveness that inspies those double standards. my major peeve! Double standards!! I think Ive said enough.... :)

Answer 2

Originally, the importance of virginity as it applied to women was about property ownership and the establishment of pedigrees. Back in biblical times, ownership of property was passed down from generation to generation through the male heirs. Women couldn't even own property. The only way a man could guarantee that his property would end up in the hands of his heirs was by marrying a virgin because then he would know that she had never given birth to another man's male child who could later claim the inheritance. This was also the reason the punishment for women who committed adultery was more harsh than it was for men who committed adultery.

Now, and in countries in which women can inherit property, the original reasoning behind women's virginity is a non-issue but the social expectations of women's sexuality still linger on through religious dogma and archaic social values.

Answer 3

Men may not as enjoyably have sex...if...their loss of virginity would make them ugly...
AND
if women selected only virginal males. What if females were able to spot those who had been around too much. After all, what woman wants a slutty MAN???? One who has slept with dozens, or hundreds of women???? YUCK!

Men feel that being promiscuous is sexually OK for them, and somehow slutty for a female...but wait....who makes the woman "non-virgin" but a MALE !!! The guilty person is the MALE... so: finding a non-virgin reminds him of his OWN sexual desires to randomly/frequently copulate. He remembers his acts, and how he is not always loving, caring, or maybe even brutal in his act...he has wounded many a body and many a soul...and knows this, and wishes to find a pristine unharmed person. Meanwhile he is harmed by his own actions and lack of discipline. But continues to do so.....

Answer 4

Understand that most African cultures follow Islam. and how can you get more of a double standard that by reading the writings of a madman who deflowered a virgin every chance he had. and then debauched the women because they gave it to him. Such a whus.

Answer 5

It must be really frustrating because men are really supposed to abide by the same rules if they don't but it's acceptable for them when it is not for women.

Western men/women are more liberal on this issue because women long empowered themselves, vied to become equal to men. But certain tradtitions would never abide by that and it is very sad because so hypocriticial!

I really don't know how you could change things if i totally agree with your views that it is so unfair.

Answer 6

there's always two sides to this notion and that's why that's africa and here is uk. there's very long story but in short; if it had been same rule and senses then it would have been long ago that the world have been one as lennon sang, my dear sweet lady.

Answer 7

HELLO, if these guys don't stop having sex out of marriage, how do they expect to find a virgin???? they are out there devirginizing all of them! ugh, damn double standards!

Answer 8

Well, I'm not African, but I know what hypocrisy smells like when it's at home.

Answer 9

You know what - airplane friek . . . . .

I reckon you're frustrated!

Answer 10

Warrior. You just won the "Joke of the day"