How many of you are honest with your spouse about your true sexual needs and desires?

Question

We're not talking about fantasies here because fantasies are personal and can be kept private.

I'm talking about really wanting or needing something sexually and being able to talk to your spouse about it without feeling embarrassed or insecure (that they'll think less or differently about you). Can you do that? And what does it say about one's relationship if they can't? And should we always confront our spouses about our sexual needs, or is it better to accept that we need to keep certain requests to ourselves and just live with the fact that we can't always get what we want?

Answer 1

I have tried to express to my wife the things that I want. She told me to either change my mind about what I wanted or leave. She is a prude when it comes to anything sexual. I am torn between getting what I want and the love that I have for her.

Answer 2

Like you, I had always had certain requests that were off-limits to my partner in my relationships. I accepted this as part of the relationship and that's the way it was, and as you say, I had to live with the fact that I couldn't always get what I wanted.

Early on with the woman I later married, we both began to suspect that there might really be NO requests we had to keep to ourselves. One way we got there in a hurry was to play a game I invented. We each took a stack of blank cards and spent an hour or so writing sexy things we wanted the other to do to us. Then we exchanged decks so that I had the deck of things she wanted me to do to her, and she had the deck of things I wanted her to do to me. Then we played some card game, and the winner of each hand got to pick a card from the top of his or her stack -- and the loser had to do whatever it said.

We played that game for HOURS. I got some things done to me that night that NOBODY had done to me before. :-) And I think she did, too.

One of the things that made this successful was that it was easier to write something potentially embarrassing on a card and slip it in with a whole deck of other things, because the card wasn't going to say "Eeeeew, you're a pervert" and drive home. And while I had made it clear that she could refuse anything on the cards... she didn't.

So that's one way you can see whether your spouse WILL do something that you might otherwise think you have to keep to yourself. And having "broken the ice" during the game about whatever this act you're embarrassed to ask for, it gets easier to ask for it again. "You know, I LOVED it that time you wrote your name on my thigh in chocolate syrup and licked it off, could you do that again?"

The main thing is, unless you know for a fact that something you'd like is off-limits with your spouse, you may be cheating yourselves out of something you'll both end up loving to do with each other. People do change over time, and what's out of the question to a 20-year-old may be no problem at 30.

The only other comment I need to make is about your use of the word "confront." It sounds, well, confrontational. :-) You DO need to communicate about your sexual needs, and you both need to come to an understanding about what to do when you have different needs. And you will have different needs at different times -- the six to eight weeks after labor and delivery being the most obvious example. But the way through is to keep communicating about what you want, when you need it, and keep asking about what your spouse needs, wants, or is capable of. And not like nagging, but more like "I'm getting a glass of water, would you like one too, sweetie?" As long as you're both aware of each others' needs and supporting each other, a specific request (whether it's "you know, tonight I really just need you to massage my calves" or "I've been craving that thing you do with the ice cubes, the honey and the three-pound bag of BBs") becomes part of the way you take care of each other and love each other.

Answer 3

::raises hand:: Early on in our relationship we learned how vitally important communication is, and as a result we can talk to each other about anything, even things that may be "uncomfortable". It's better to talk about something and get it straightened out than to get upset because your partner isn't a mind reader.

Answer 4

I am totally honest with my husband. I would never hide it from him even if I know he will think it is odd. I wouldn't have it any other way. What good is being in a relationship if you cannot communicate openly and honestly?

Answer 5

I am always very honest about my sexual needs with my woman. That's why I always wake up to a wet sloppy blow_job every morning.

Answer 6

It's pretty simple, I just tell him what I want. As he does me. Whether or not it happens is a different story. When it happens it's always when I least expect it! It's the best!

Answer 7

I let him know what i want and tells me his side too...It doesn't mean we'll have to agree w/each other's wants/needs right!

Answer 8

you dont always get what you want......but it's healthy to communicate...i have no problems with honest to my partner about it

Answer 9

i fake it alot. only cause i know its not gonna happen and i would never want to upset him

Answer 10

I'll take a guess and say......nobody!!