Don't make the same mistake I made and let your love one slip away?

Question

My wife and I are separated now and it is mainly because I could not open up to her. I love her dearly but was never ever to overcome my fear of rejection and my insecurities about myself. These fears about her not loving me – the real me – stopped me from ever letting her see the real me. I was always afraid that I was never good enough and that anything I did – from planning surprise vacations to performing in the bedroom - would not be good enough. So instead of trying harder, I tried less. You can’t “fail” if you don’t try. You can’t be “rejected” by your wife if you don’t pursue her. Now that we have talked and I have explained all this to her, the anxiety seems really stupid. Things are less scary once you say them. I needed to realize that there was nothing I could tell her that would make her love me less. Not letting her in is what made her love me less. As much as it kills me, for us it looks like it is too late. Even with me opening up now she seems to be gone.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching since the separation and found a great article that really spoke to me. Here is part of it:

“It feels good when our partners agree with and validate us, but you can't count on it. If you demand it, you can land in the crazy conundrum that creates eternal insecurity: We put a spin on what we reveal about ourselves in order to get the response we want. Then we can never feel secure with those who accept us because we know they don't really know us. When you are willing to validate yourself, you can afford to let your partner know you as you are. You stop presenting yourself the way you want to be seen, and you just disclose with no other goal than being truly known.

Self-validated intimacy sounds like: "I want you to know me before I die. I want to share with you my days, which would otherwise be less meaningful. It would be nice if you agreed with me, wonderful if you liked me. But most of all I want to know that somebody really knew who and what I am. More than I fear your rejection I fear never reaching across my mortality, which separates me from you and others. I will care for my own feelings, Just know me--including my sexuality."

This was me. I never felt comfortable enough to just let my wife know who I am and what my desires were. This put up a wall between us and drove her away. For all of you out there that are doing the same thing – DON”T. Tell you loved one what you feel and share your feelings. This will ultimately make you stronger. Don’t make the same mistake I did and let the best thing you ever had slip away because you were too afraid to show that person the all of you.

Good Luck

Answer 1

And your question is what? You have spent to much time in therapy OR thinking about yourself.

Answer 2

I'm sorry your marriage came to that point, but there is a brighter side to it, sounds as though through your soul searching you found yourself. That is great! give her time to figure out what it is she wants, she may feel the same way and not even realize it. how long were you married? are you both at a stage in your lives were things just went bad. Well if so you still should pat yourself on the back. why? because you realized your mistakes and now you know. some never figure that out, emotions can be a hard thing to work threw. I went through the soul searching thing took me two years. One more thing if your marriage doesn't work out.
then if there is a future down the road with a MRS. again you won't make the same mistakes. so i think there was a purpose here, enough said , best of luck to you and keep up the good work your doing

Answer 3

I'm proud that you finally recognized your problem. Here's a heads up, take the time out that is much needed after a break up and get complete counseling so that when the right one comes along again you will not be ruminating over the failed relationship, caused by your not opening up. Get some much needed intense thereapy. Give yourself a couple of "you" years, focusing on healthy self appreciation and once all your baggage is sorted and stored "properly", then look for someone to share you life with.

It is really a shame when partial people find themselves in relationships and the other party has to bring to their own attention that they are not complete yet - especially to be in a relationship.

A lot of people can go their entire life making people unhappy because they are not complete. They commence to tear someone else down to make themselves feel elevated and many worse things - or just don't bring an entire person to the table. It is up to both parties to do a complete analysis before marriage.

But when these individuals come to realization that they need to be more introspective or to get "more" help, we should definitely be supportive. You will really be happy when all of the baggage in sorted and stored properly. No one really wants to go into a relationship with baggage that is unresolved, but many do - BRAVO for you for realizing and for sharing.

Answer 4

Cor what a long winded question ! It's often the story, you don't realise until it's too late. At least you've learnt from your experience and won't make the same mistake twice, unless of course you are an idiot.

Answer 5

I guess we all live and learn. I am on the other side of a marriage like that. My husband sounds a lot like you. I am hoping he will realize this before it is too late. I have been waiting for years and years for things to change and sometimes they do but eventually go back to the "bad" norm. I am happy when they are good but always have the thought lurking in the back of my mind "is he gonna start ignoring me again?!?!?" I NEVER feel secure in our relationship so I can see why your wife would eventually leave. I don't know that I ever would but sometimes it seems sooooo much easier to just give up and start over with someone else then to keep working so exhaustingly hard on this relationship!
Good luck.

Answer 6

You made the right decision. No one knows if your bf will come around but I wouldn't sit and wait. It is going to be extra hard until you aren't staying together anymore. Once you aren't staying together it will eventually hurt less. I'm sorry you're going through this emotionally draining time. You will be okay. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve more than you were getting!

Answer 7

First of all, congratulations for all of the insight and growth on your part. The majority of people find it much easier to blame the other person than to honestly look at themselves.

This may not be what you want to hear, but... don't automatically believe that you will never have "love like this" again.

You will.

In fact, it will be even richer... because you are allowing yourself to really feel it.

Good luck to you, too.

Answer 8

Men like you make me sick. My husband did the same thing...didn't listen to a word I said for YEARS. I begged him to pay attention and he just wouldn't. now that I left him he's all about wanting to get to know me. To little too late, now you and he, want everyone to say "oh, poor guy" Why? Because you hurt for a little while? Well try feeling invisible for years then we can talk. If you loved her you would have over come your insecurities before she left you, you got what you deserved.

Answer 9

why in the freaking world she married you???? you need to learn that she married you becasue she loves you and you going to not open and becasue you freaking scared??? what is your plm dude. you being not fair to her and seriouly she does love you and you pushing her away and the more far you going to push her away from you and you will never ever fix that plm ever. You will long gone lose her.

I was scare first time and broken up with her and took me 5 years to have her back and Guess what buddy, I open up and being honest and told her how much Ilove her and thank her for giving me second chance.

You blew it dude, You do love her so much. Remember if you don't change anything to fix it then you lost a wonderful woman who love you so much. we all male learn we scare but we learn how to find right woman and how to share and tell them how i feel... if you don't learn anything not want to do it then you really dumb person....

Can't believe this man, I know you really love her and you will have to go over ther and tell her everything why are you scare to tell her and tell her that you are afrid to lose her becasue you really in love with her so much afrid that you will be gone again. plain and simple if you don't then why bother asking this question???????? seriously dude if you want to save it now and do it right and tell her everything a to z and tell her damn it. if not then my 2 points are damn worthless even 10 points too. I am telling you now think about before it gone far from losing her and never will get her back again for second time.

Answer 10

It is a shame that it took her ending the marriage before you realized something us women are always saying.. talk.. explain your self and liston..

I posted a question about me never feeling good enough and wondered if men felt the same way.... Fear of rejection is always a big thing with people..

I hope you use what you figured out.. next time around if you are lucky enough to have a next time.

Answer 11

Oh, that's sweet! I've come to the same conclusion. It's too late now...I wonder where he is...