Young and in a dilema with distant husband, what should I do?

Question

I've been with my husband for seven years now from the time we met till now, we have two children together. From about 3 months into the relationship till now, he's been physically distant, sex seems like a chore to him, no emotion no signs of love while having sex. We always do what he wants to do, he's the boss, everything goes his way. Everytime I sit to talk about these issues he runs off. I've met someone new, I have not cheated on my husband but I have conversed extensively with such person. My husband is 16 years older than me, and when we got together it was out of necessity. We grew close by living together and the troubles we got in and out of together. I still can't help feeling like he's more my father than my lover.

Answer 1

I urgently advise you to seek out a counselor posthaste.

Answer 2

When a relationship, as personal as a marriage, exists between two people both people have to know as well as understand that both people need to have their needs met.

Apparently, your husband neither cares, nor is inclined to meet your needs. This is why you have met this other person. I have news for you, by the way, what you are doing is cheating. The fact that sex is apparently absent does not diminish the fact that you are cheating. I don't say this to be hard on you, or to condemn you but to let you know you would not be talking to this other man at all if you hadn't been looking and was needing something more than what you were getting at home. You need to be 100 percent honest with yourself about this situation. The whole reason you are talking to this person is because your needs aren't being met. Continue to talk to this man, and sex will most definitely happen.

Now, this is what I think you should do. For the sake of your children, and yourself, you need to try once more to sit and talk to your husband about this. Let him know you believe the two of you need marriage counseling. Perhaps, you should separate from him temporarily to try and shake him from his complacency and to inspire willingness to make an effort to work your issues out TOGETHER as a man and wife should. If, after having tried this, you still haven't got his attention, then the time has come to end the marriage. I used to not agree with divorce except in cases where infidelity had taken place, but I have come to believe that abuse be it physical or mental and emotional like what you have been enduring is also a valid reason to obtain a divorce. No one should be forced to live in a situation when they do not feel loved or wanted.

I would like to see you make one last, really good effort to save your marriage. If you can not move him to care as much about your marriage as you seem to, then you have no choice but to move on with your life. You have to live with yourself and your children, so be careful of the decisions you make.

Good luck to you!!!

Answer 3

He feels more like your father rather than a lover because that is the way he has treated you. He calls the shots and has basically let it be known that your opinions and feelings in the relationship dont matter to him. Do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship. Men of this age dont change their spots and that is assuming he would even want to. I never advise cheating, but nothing wrong with seperating and going on with your life, and if that includes this new man you met, then that is what it means. My best wishes to you in this difficult time.

Answer 4

I was in a relationship like this, except I was the mother and my husband was the child. (... Oh, he he found someone new, not I.) It's extremely unhealthy, and the resentment that builds on both sides is toxic.
Let your husband know how serious you are about the state of your marriage, and see if he'll join you in couples counseling. It's only fair to you, your husband, your kids and your shared past to give the marriage one last chance. You can't do that while you're involved with someone else; it won't work.
If there's no way to make it work, end the marriage ... and then -- only then -- move on.

Answer 5

Yup, time to put this debacle out of it's misery. Get a divorce, find someone closer to your age, and closer to your personality. This is why you see so many questions on this forum about "Is it ok..." or "What do you think..." of relationships involving older men and younger woman. At the time it's a great thing for the man, an ego booster, makes him feel younger. But as time goes on, the guy is looking for something different. Good Luck!

Answer 6

I would guess that your age difference for one thing is becoming an issue. You are no longer having things in common to discuss or relate to outside of home life. I would also say that if he is not into you sexually...theres a chance hes getting it elsewhere orrrrrrr....hes gone thru his prime time. Unfortunately you are probably nicely getting into yours. I think if this has gone on for a while....you need to end things. You dont need a father...you need a soul mate and someone who is your best friend. Never tay together just for the sake of the kids. Kids feel tension and in turn it is much more damaging psychologically for them ..then it is to have divorced parents in a happy household.

Answer 7

Well, your first mistake was marrying someone whom you got together with out of necessity. That kind of marriage will never work. But let me tell you, do not have an affair with this other person. Please believe me, it will destroy your life. If you don't want to be with your husband anymore, then tell him. End it before you even think of getting involved with anyone else. You don't have much of a marriage right now, without him talking things out with you or counseling, your marriage is doomed.

Answer 8

You defintely need to get him to talk to you. I was married to a man once my own age that treated me like he was my father instead of my husband. We had 2 children together and are now happily divorced. If you can't get him to talk to you, you should seek counseling without him. This type of relationship can destroy your self esteem. I know it did mine. I used to have a bad habit (when I was married to him) of letting my heart take over and convincing myself that it was best for all involved for me just to stay there and put up with it. But, I was wrong. I did nothing but make myself him and our children miserable. But, he was also abusive. You didn't mention yours being abusive. Just go talk to a counselor they can help. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 9

I think that it is sad that if you think of him like your father you had children together. Why did you bring Babies into this world if you your feelings for each other strong? I think you both need to find someone to talk to and get some help. Think of your children! :)

Answer 10

Would you want to be married to your father? YUCK! Get out of the relationship. Maybe he has something else on his mind as well.