Where do I go?

Question

I thought this would be a good forum to get out my anger & seek some advice at the same time. A few months ago we found out my father had a malignant brain tumour, this was after undergoing two unsuccesful operations. He wasn't around much for most of my life, he was always working and lived apart from the faimly, on another half of the world. As kids we were always stuck between two countries, but I've established myself here now and am really not planning on going back right now. I'm 19, everyone says I have a life ahead of me. I come from a family of over-achievers my father has a doctorate and my mother has two, we were always told as children that if our parents had a combined three doctorates we were expected to get six. The one compliment my father gets all the time is that he's a hard worker. He would leave at 4AM when we were asleep and return from 10-12 PM, when we were asleep. He was the youngest ever Vice President of the University he now teaches in... ->

He told me of the day he sopke with Kofi Annan, or that time he had dinner with Silvio Berlusconi. He isn't proud of us, he says it everyday. He sometimes blames our mother for not taking care of us well enough when he wasn't around. My mother takes all the bullets, she is dying slowly too, I can see it in the lines of her face and her white, frizzy, hair which she doesn't even bother to colour anymore. What's worst is that I know she is very sick too, she takes a lot of pills and goes to see a doctor every week or so. My father ridicules me, he thinks it'll help me. I find it discouraging, I tell him that, he pokes fun of me even more. I know he doesn't hate me, but he makes fun of whatever I've become. He makes fun of my beliefs and values and asks me to adopt his. And if I don't, I knew before he'd abandon. I do whatever he tells me now though, because I know that if I don't he'll die. He is very weak and depressed, he only just started working...

(lol, I don't want to go on forever... sorry!!!)

Basically I want to have an identity but I don't want it to cost the lives of the two most important people in my life, and I know that whatever I do for myself, they'll most likely be hurt!

Answer 1

I come from a family of "over achievers" too, in the sense that we have multiple advanced degrees and successful careers. We also have split our time between the US and Europe, where my parents are originally from. I feel very fortunate because I was always encouraged to do my best and follow my interests, but it was always in a positive way. The ultimate goal our parents had for us was for us to be happy....getting the degrees and high paying careers was secondary. You obviously come from a intellectual background...genetics are a powerful thing and I'm sure you'd do well in academics like your parents if that's what you wanted to do. If you don't, that is your decision to make and no one else's. You don't have to become a workaholic like your father, that may be a guarantee of success, but certainly not happiness. Be grateful that you have grown up in an environment where you have no doubt been exposed to many things. There are lots of people out there who would sacrifice anything to be able to go to college at all. It's hard to count your blessings at 19 but you will see the advantages to growing up in such an environment soon enough. And remember, all families are to a certain extent dysfunctional...there are many other types of dysfunction far far worse than yours. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

sorry you got a smart a** answer from some idiot who needed two points! It is hard enough to try to make it in this world, than to live up to others expectations. At 19, you do have your life ahead of you. Sadly, your mom seems to have just given up, understand that older people get tired, and it is not your fault that that happens. You seem like a good person by the words that you have written, and although I don't know you, there are some things you just can tell. I feel bad for you that to me, you have alot of pressure right now, and don't know what to do. Your are 19, your not suppose to be the parent of your parents. Your dad dumps on you because of things that are lacking in his life right now. His youth is gone. And you have all of yours and perhaps he is feeling a little bitter, that if he could just do it all over he would do things different, but he's too proud to tell you that. I bet he envies that you can do anything you want to, and he can't. Getting older for some people is hard to deal with, and if you think that he may be feeling that way, than let him talk, and let it go in one ear and out the other, or stay away for a while no matter how hard that is. You have to have some happiness in your life, and at your age, you deserve it. (if he is paying your way, your just gonna have to deal with it, if not well that is alot of weight to put on someones sholders) stand your ground, be there for your mother, but you have to live your life, they will be gone one day it's just the way it is, and where will you be then? good luck to you!

Answer 3

You must live your own life. Respect your parents, that is all you can do. But live your own life. You do have a life ahead of you, live it. You can only please yourself. Sometimes parents are hard on you and each other. You must keep moving on to achieve great things for yourself. You are you, not your father or mother. You have to do for yourself. Oh, your father has done a lot of great things. Well you do some great things and never give up. Enjoy your life, don't upset yourself and become a mentally ill person. All the degrees in the world, can't cover up mental illness. Good luck.

Answer 4

So what is your question? Having a doctorate may have been important for your parents. If its not for you. Do not worry. Just find a job that makes you comfortable. Having a college education can mean the difference between a minimum wage job and a decent wage. I do suggest you take time to go see your dad before he passes. This is not important no but it will wear on your mind in years to come.
Your parents chose their life and now its time for you to make your own long term plans for your life.
So what was your question?

Answer 5

What you are suffering from is a lack of self-definition. Please don't beat yourself up over it, it is something we all go through to one extent or another. You are at the age where you must let go of your parents expectations of you and define your own.

Your self-definition will change many times over the years, so relax.

BTW: overachievers tend to be perfectionists, and perfectionism is the one of the cruelest forms of self punishment. Perfectionists tend to never be satisfied, it is never good enough. You might want to journal and reflect about how growing up with super achieving parents made you feel about you. I would venture a guess that you did not believe you could compete with them.

Whatever you do with your career or schooling, do something you love to do, no matter what your parents did. You will be much happier for it when everything is said and done.

Also, you could try asking/telling your parents that you really need them to just love you for who are, not what what you have done.

hope it helps!

Answer 6

Sometimes being an over achiever isn't good!! Do the best you can do, and as long as you do the best you can do and you are proud of yourself that should be good enough. You don't need six doc. Just do what you are comfortable with! Is your dad ok? whats happening with his brain tumor? Do what you think is best and who cares what ne one else thinks.

Answer 7

maybe start without writing a book so people will actualy read what u have to say