I give him any and everything he needs, I have NEVER once turned him down for sex, why does he still need to look at it??? And why does he choose it over having the real thing sometimes? It seems disrespectful of our relationship, I don't need to look at other men behind his back... I am content...
2006-08-14 08:47:06 · 21 answers · asked by wtf 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well, for one, porn becomes an addiction. When an addiction gets bad enough, it often ceases to be enjoyable... but the person can't stop doing it anyway -- it's at least partly ingrained into the behavior and very hard to break.
[Ask him if it even turns him on anymore, or if he just finds himself doing it when his mind wanders or without even trying to do it.]
Porn also has no obligations. It takes real work to be in a relationship with someone (i.e., marriage). There are emotional issues that have to be worked through. Even if your husband does love you, maybe he feels overwhelmed, drained, tired, or whatever and simply finds it easier to gratify himself with porn because he doesn't have to emotionally navigate through anything, whereas he WOULD when being with you.
He also doesn't have to work at having a good "sexual experience" and communicate his needs to you or be intimate in front of you because he knows what he wants and he's finding it easier to take care of himself.
I don't know your husband's heart, his exact problem/motivation here, or what your marriage is like, so I can't say anything definitive. Those are just some typical scenarios.
I think most women are hurt by finding their husbands looking at porn, because to them it's an emotional betrayal. That's understandable. For men, on the surface it often is not consciously "betrayal," it's just doing something that feels good or that fills a need. Under the surface, though, it is a failure to engage emotionally with one's wife -- because he's not taking your feelings into account and is taking the easy road to feel good rather than the harder road of working through your relationship and finding his satisfaction there.
He might do better if you can find some men who have dealt with this and who can encourage him / give him support to stop.
While you can demand whatever you want from him, it'll probably just lead to him withdrawing further, unfortunately. I think you need to somehow keep in the front of his mind (without using it as a means of control or trying to "get back at him") how it hurts you for him to do what he is doing and how it's bad for your relationship, set up some practical restrictions (such as putting the computer in a public location) that make him "work" if he wanted to stray, and so on...
It's not going to be easy, I know that, since you're feeling a lot of hurt by his choices. I just know that reacting in anger on the basis of the hurt usually just makes things worse. Somehow you've got to accept that he has the problem, then somehow work with him and encourage him not to retreat into porn.
Now, if he has a bad attitude about it (i.e., he doesn't care in the least, laughs in your face, belittles you for being concerned, and seems unwilling to even want to change), that's a little different; and I'm not sure how to resolve that. It shows a real disrespect in the marriage that probably carries over into other areas, and the whole relationship is probably in trouble.
2006-08-14 09:08:58 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yeah it is hopeless. He won't abandon that. Sounds like he is totally addicted. Turning him down has nothing to do with this. Equate his porn addiction to how you feel when you are shopping for clothes or shoes...(if you are like most females) you just can't get enough.
I think if he had an office in the house for privacy and it was seperate and he was not in there not all the time (like a sad addict) but enough that he would be happy maybe you could strike a compromise.
Never work in absolutes. The world is grey.
2006-08-14 08:59:30 · answer #2 · answered by Shebaby 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Variety is the spice of life, and your husband adherese to it the most when it comes to women. Well I guess it all depends on him. One and only thing is religion, (if he has an iota in him, he can be persudaded that it is an unhealthy, immoral practice) that is the only thing which can wean him away from this die-hard habit. Otherwise, he might forsake it for a month, at the most for a year, but will return to this thing one day again. What
2006-08-14 09:00:02 · answer #3 · answered by chand c 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have told him how you feel and he shows no repect for the damage the porn is obviously doing to your marriage you are going to have to make some serious decsions. If he doesn't care to stop something that hurts you the marriage is already over. If he refuses to give it up he has already given you up. You deserve to not be second best to porn. You deserve to have love and respect. Don't take less.
2006-08-14 09:23:30 · answer #4 · answered by That's my final answer 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most human beings were born with this thing called an imagination. From time to time some people like to use their imagination to bring themself to a fantasy world. It doesn't mean they don't like reality, but they're just stepping beyond it for a little while. It's healthy. It's fun. It refreshes the mind.
You might think you do, but you don't really want a man with no interest in porn, because men who don't like porn are boring in the bedroom. I guarantee that he has done something with you that he saw in porn, and it drove you totally out of your mind. You loved it.
He loves you. He loves porn. Those two statements are not contradictory. Next time, try watching it together.
2006-08-14 09:02:21 · answer #5 · answered by Steven S 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
He is being selfish and taking care of himself only, and it is making you feel understandably bad. He is driving a wedge between you by turning away from you...it is insulting and hurtful, like he is saying "Screw you, I will take care of myself...I don't care what you think".
Chances are, he feels inadequate and needs to feel more powerful by seeing other women degraded so he can feel more powerful and manly. He can pretend that they are there for his pleasure only.
You probably intimidate him. You are a real woman, who is capable and independent, and you have feelings and needs. "What if I am not enough of a man to make her hapy? What if I can't satisfy her needs? What if i am not good enough...?"
WIth his porn addiction, HE is the star. HE gets to feel superior to these women. He doesn't have to fear being a disappointment. He only has to worry about pleasing hinself.....
Feel sorry for him. Feel bad for him. He is too scared to let you know what he needs.......
He is getting back at you for feeling inadequate. That's why he has turned away.
If he can't respect your marriage and you, your sex life and trust, then you need to move on and get a real man. One who knows he can satisfy you, and can tell you what he needs.
You deserve nothing less.
2006-08-14 09:08:26 · answer #6 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the bigger the issue you make of it the more likely he is to want it. something like the forbidden fruit.
Do you read steamy romance novels? Men are visual by nature and most of the time it goes no further than looking at the images. If you trust him I would ignore it and it will become less of a fascination for him.
Of course, if it doesn't...turn him loose!
2006-08-14 10:00:25 · answer #7 · answered by why_not 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you so jealous of porn? I know lots of women hate that but technically the women isnt going to jump out of the screen and have her way with him. I enjoy watching other people have sex, its exciting. Maybe you need to try it yourself. Its better to watch porn than to go out cheating. Women get jealous over books too and thats crazy. Shes not going to pop out the book. Besides its just a way of getting turned on, its harmless. You must be very insecure with yourself to feel this way. He wont leave you for a girl in the book or the porn movie, get real girl. If he didnt love you he wouldnt be with you. Dont you look at men when you go out? I know you dont wear blinnders.
2006-08-14 09:06:00 · answer #8 · answered by adatude4u 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Yes, it is a hopeless cause. Men are visual creatures. They will look whether you like it or not. The best thing to do is not make an issue out of it. It doesn't matter.
2006-08-14 09:19:15 · answer #9 · answered by lavenderroseford 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is an addiction that is worse than cocaine or meth. For him to quit, he will need to really want to and then get professional help. It is something that can be overcome, but it will take a lot of time and pain, especially on his part. Even though it feels horrible to you, if he really decides to change, it will be a thousand times worse for him. I am speaking from experience.
2006-08-14 09:11:00 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋