What should i do about an alcoholic boyfriend?

Question

Ok..so I've been seeing this guy for 2 years. He is an admitted alcoholic and I knew that when we started dating. He had been sober for about a year when we started..he had a relapse shortly into our relationship..which was miserable...but has been sober for the last 1 1/2 years. He relapsed again 3 weeks ago. We live together, his name is on the lease as well as mine so I can't kick him out. When sober, he is the best guy ever..thoughtful, hard-working, considerate, aware of his addiction, and extremely intelligent..however..when drunk..he becomes beligerant, destructive, looks for trouble, and blacks out. So my question is...he has asked for help..he has no where to go...his family loves him..but are unwilling to deal with him...our friends are fed up with him,..he got fired from his job last week..now he is wollering in a pile of self-pity without many options...should I stay and try and help as he has asked...or should I just walk away and leave him to his own devices?

yes...I do...but am at the point where I'm questioning if I'm putting his well-being before my own.

Answer 1

There's not much anyone can do for a person with alcoholism or any addiction unless that person really wants to work on getting better.

Alcoholics can be very manipulative at times and it's common for a loved one or family member to get caught up in the cycle of alcohol abuse. This is called co-dependency. I'm not sure if this is the case with you but you may want to really take a look at whether you truly love him or whether you want to "fix" him.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, it's just that I know what it's like to live with an alcoholic and often loved ones can get caught up in the abuse and their lives become a living hell also. The loved ones become convinced that they're the only ones who can help the alcoholic and it begins to consume their life.
But even though alcholism is an illness, it's up to the person who has it to make the big step toward getting help.

What he really needs to do is start going to AA meetings. AA has meetings in all towns and cities and they have the meetings at different times in the day and evening.
Alcoholics Anonymous has a website where you can find meetings near you.
It's at http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/?Media=PlayFlash
You can even offer to go to the meetings with him at first but the people who go there are eventually given sponsors and the sponsor is someone for him to call on whenever he needs some support and guidance.
If he ends up going to AA meetings then you might want to go to AlAnon meetings. These are meetings for friends, family and loved ones of alcoholics and help them to learn how to support the loved one without enabling their drinking or getting caught up in the cycle.

If he's becoming abusive toward you then you need to get away from him. During black outs some alcoholics can become very aggressive and abusive. There must be some way to get out of the lease if you really want to get away. Talk to the landlord about it and even explain some of the situation if you need to.

Whether you stay or not is up to you...it may be good to distance yourself for a while and think about how important he is to you and whether you really want to deal with this. Even if you decide not to be with him it doesn't mean that you don't care for him.

I wish you all the best, take care.

Answer 2

You cannot help an alcoholic. Only they can help themselves. I know, it's hard to let go of that "if I love him enough I can help him turn things around". No, you can't. Someone who is sober for a year or two and then relapses will most likely never be able to stay sober permanently.

Go to an AlAnon (the organization for friends and families of alcoholics see link below) and talk to some of the people there. You'll soon see that love is not enough.

Unless you are willing to live with his behavior, leave.

Answer 3

You both need out of this cycle. Whether it's that he permanently stops drinking or that you stop saving him (and enabling him) when he falls, continuing it is not healthy for either of you. If he gets his butt into AA and sober ASAP, I'd stick around with the clear condition that if he ever falls again, the good-bye is permanent. And, I'd only go that route if you did not make that clear to him last time around. I grew up with that cycle of "sobriety," and will never live with it again. It's far too destructive and the reality is that you cannot save someone no matter how much you love them. They have to want it and do it for themselves.

You might want to check out a local Alanon for support, understanding the bigger picture, and resources. You're in an incredibly difficult place with an even more difficult decision. I wish you all the best.

Answer 4

I have the same problem . My relationship is younger than yours and we don't live together , thank God ! We have had so many arguments about his behavior when he is drunk . I do love him but my patience is growing thin . Back to you I suggest you do what I have done . I required him to go into a alcohol treatment program and stay there , I also told him he would find a job and keep it or I was done . You must lay down the law and stick to it if he doesn't do what is required then he doesn't want help .Alcoholism is a Illness and it requires treatment . When someone drinks to the point of blacking out then they are no good to anyone and frankly I am sick to death of taking care of someone who chooses this type of behavior . I wish you the best of luck . Give him the opportunity to do what you ask before you end it . If he doesn't comply then you have to take care of yourself .

Answer 5

Love is a funny thing and it causes so much emotional distress. I've been where you are and let me tell you that you can help but help from a distance. He is back drinking and although it may not have happen yet but next comes the violence and thats a whole new ball game. He can admit himself into a hospital or clinic that can help him but the only thing that you can do for him is support him in doing whats right and best for him. Staying with him is going to lead to trouble especially when he is drinking. I know that you love him and that you want to be there for him but look at it like this if his family isn't willing to help what does that tell you? I'm not saying to abandon him but he has to be willing to help himself. If he isn't willing to do that then there really isn't much else that you can do.

Answer 6

You are in quite a dilemma. On one hand you have someone you care about and love, who is on a fast paced, self destruction course, and onthe other hand you are at wits end trying to deal with him.

He needs you more than ever right now. If you are are true friend, you would effect some tough love and try your best to get him cleaned up, so that he is once again useful to himself and others again.

Answer 7

do you love him?
then support him.
Its actually hard for me to answer this as i feel an emotional attachment to the story.
i was an alcoholic for 6 yrs, i did a lot of stupid things and it took the doctor to tell me that i would die in a year if i carried on.
So after that i got on ANTABUSE, and went to some support groups. I have never looked back, what made your boyf go back
to alcohol?
please stay and support him like my man did, i hope he pulls thru with your help.
and get to the docs

Answer 8

he needs AA,treatment center,to stop substance abuse.you need al-anon are some help for your co-dependence.or get out and move on.you will probably be drawn to someone else like him if you don't figure out what you are getting out of this kind of relationship,maybe you had other persons in your life with substance abuse-parents,siblings,etc.you don't need the drama

Answer 9

I loved an alcholic.a stoner.a pothead.a weed addict.who lives for XTC.
but i love him anyway and i always will.
sometimes its just best for you to accept it and try and help or let him figure it out for himself.

Answer 10

help him check into AA. You sound like you care for him a great deal. Do not turn your back on him