The other night the girl and I slept together while he watched and the only reason I did it was because he wanted me to. Now I feel terrible and empty", and that I havent been true to myself. For the past 6 years all he has done is tormented me, manipulated me into what he wants and almost left me a few times, he even said a few months ago that he thought he was in love with the same girl I done those things with, then he saw how much pain I was in and said he couldnt believe he ever thought that he loved her and that he was sorry and loved me. It seems like no matter what I do he is never happy. I have done everything he has asked me to do in the past including another threesome. Im always trying to do these things because I feel "not good enough." and all he does is manipulate me into doing what he wants. I feel like he is being selfish. and that bringing her into a threesome is a terrible idea since he just three months ago told me he might love her. what do I do he has no respect
2006-08-14 07:26:01 · 18 answers · asked by hearts_bleed_dark 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
for the past six years he has tried to manipulate and mold me into what he wants but i am not perfect. I have changed myself completely. this has destroyed my confidence and my self esteem. What I want to know is What should I do?
2006-08-14 07:29:16 · update #1
I am not totally against a threesome but the girl he wants to do this with is the same girl he thought he may have had feelings for a few months ago. I was against them in the past and done it anyway just to please him. I dont want to leave but if he continues to HURT me, and do things like he does in the past I feel like I should leave, but I sincerely want things to work. I just feel like I have lost myself, and that he is putting his desires over my emotional well bring. I have started cutting again, I just want the pain to stop.
2006-08-14 07:59:03 · update #2
Yikes.
That's an ugly situation.
Threesomes are messy. Sexy and exciting in the moment but messy for a long time afterwards.
I'm in a similar boat myself. I'm gonna rant about it and hopefully somewhere along the way give you a piece of advice that might help... it might just be a long tangent though.
I'm married, big big time in love. I saw my future wife and my heart just stopped, eventually got together with her and have never ever looked back.
However, my past kinda caught up with me.
There was this girl I used to know. We were pretty close I guess, lots of laughs, good company... but we'd never been single at the same time. We'd talked about getting together since we got along and were attracted to each other, but nothing ever really materialized, and she just kinda became a person I used to know.
Fast forward a few years, I'm married, fantastic relationship, happy life... go me.
She's in a never ending engagement with a WoW addict that's moved halfway across the state into a one bedroom apartment with a blonde chick he's cheated on her with in the past and hasn't come to see her in months.
She's an idiot, I never really realized this because I was young and naive when I knew her, but now that time has passed, she's a moron. Grade A moron.
Anyway, she's always been on my IM contact list for years now. Occasionally we did the "Hey, what's up?" "Nothin, u? "Nothin" conversation, but that's been about it.
We actually started talking, and she started venting about sex stuff and boyfriend and blah blah blah and I pass her off on my wife. "Yeah, talk to her... she gives great advice". Over the next few weeks, they become pretty good friends, due to common interests. I.E. Me.
They start toying with the idea, decide it's a good idea, and to just go with the flow of what feels natural. My wife was inexperienced with girls in the past. She doesn't think of herself as "bi-sexual", but more "Hetero-flexible". She thinks the act is kinda sexy but generally doesn't actually LIKE girls enough to get to that point, girls piss her off.
Fast forward a bit, and there were three failed threesomes over the course of a weekend. It just didn't work out. Lots of kissing and shedding of clothes, but this chick and my and my wife just weren't totally compatible. If I paid too much attention to my wife, the chick got testy, if I paid too much attention to the chick, my wife got her heart broken... if the chick wasn't getting all the attention the whole time, she acted like she was asleep in some passive agressive manner. Terribly annoying.
Anyway, the chemistry just wasn't there. My wife and I have amazing chemistry, and while there were terribly exciting moments and at times it was a lot of fun. I wouldn't want to do it again, maybe sometime in the future with totally different person... but that's more holding onto the sexy idea than a face and a smell and a body and all that stuff.
As a guy, I really was all amped about the threesome thing. I never really thought it out. It takes a hell of a lot of focus to keep my wife happy, and in a situation where she is so vulnerable, it required more attention than I could actually give. Maybe my wife is too high maintainance for this sort of behaviour, I don't know, maybe I am. All in all I wouldn't say it was a mistake, as I've learned a lot and I'm even crazier about my wife because of how amazing she is to me... which I suppose brings me to my point.
I'm mad mad insanely crazy about my wife. I couldn't care less if I ever see that girl from my past again. I think things like this are supposed to be exciting. You're being bad, it's kinky, it's dirty and it's a lot of fun. But it's not an every day kind of thing. There is just too much to maintain, and too many uncertainties and obligations and all that noise.
If I were in your position, I'd just move on. If he's willing to move on with you, make him move with you on your terms. You've already given him so much. I'd be wrapped around my wife's finger if she had sex with a girl in front of me and let me watch (if she enjoyed it, if she was just kinda "eh" and was doing it solely to please me, I'd be put off).
You aren't getting something here. You're a gem, honey. It sounds to me like you'd be willing to do just about anything to make your partner happy, and unfortunately you happen to be in a relationship with someone who expects that of you. Would he be OK with having sex with a guy while you watch? Would he be ok with having a MMF threeway with you?
It doesn't sound equal, it doesn't sound healthy and it doesn't sound like you get it as good as you give it. He should be giving you 2 hour massages, renaming you to "Goddess" whenever you're alone, and you should be put to sleep with footrubs each night for what you've done so far. I saw the photo in your profile and you are very easy on the eyes, you don't need to put up with his crap. You're a beautiful girl willing to go to the ends of the earth to please your husband... there is no shame in that. There is shame in not respecting yourself and seeing your own worth.
I have friends, that would do anything for a girl like you. Anything at all. You're somewhere in dreamgirl land... and your fella's attitude clearly shows he's not an amazing selfless lover that would do anything you want.
There is your situation. You are in a completely unbalanced relationship. Sometimes unbalanced relationships can be fulfilling for both people, it just depends on what you require from a relationship. He's not being fair to you. It's not unreasonable to want him to consider your feelings. The way you've told the story seems like he's saying, "Yeah, I know you don't want to... but I want you to. I also want you to be ok with doing things you don't like, because my arousal is more important than your feelings. This is my show, you are to perform on cue and never break character... or I'm gonna leave you for the girl you're doing the show with."
That's not a marriage, that's a death march. You're better than that. You deserve ice cream and long walks and concerts and movies on opening day... not an empty existance where your sole purpose to another human being is intensifying orgasms for someone who doesn't see you as an equal.
2006-08-14 08:21:19 · answer #1 · answered by Erad 3 · 4⤊ 2⤋
You sound heartbroken..............I wish I could give you a hug and make you feel better! Your husband sounds very set in his ways..........and I can almost guarantee his thinking wont change. Please consider very, very carefully your life and your future. We only get one shot and to stay married to him and be unhappy isnt the smartest choice now is it? Leaving will be painfull....you know that but in the long run you will find somebody that is worthy of you.....he doesnt deserve you. Love is about mutual trust and respect, something he isnt showing you. What's done is done.........dont look back...life is all about experiences good and bad.....think about yourself a year from now.....2 years from now..... You sound like a good person.....who is being taken advantage off.....please get out.... I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years with somebody that I loved, very very much.....you can do all that you can..............but he wont change..... a short time after leaving him I met my husband...we have been together now for 16 years........ If the thought of being alone scares you.......try not to let it......you sound so wonderful I cant imagine that you dont have a hundred good friends that would support you through this? God Bless..........take care.........L.Butler
2006-08-14 08:15:21 · answer #2 · answered by Lynne B 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Can't be true to anyone unless you're true to yourself. I understand that you love your husband. However, now it's time to love yourself. If what he wants you to be something that you do not feel comfortable with, then you need to remove that presence from your life.
Granted it's easy to type "leave him", but I doubt that anything will change. If you try to change your husband, he will continue to manipulate you.
If you do choose to leave him (you do have a choice), then you need to get as far away from his grasp as possible. It's good to see that you recognize what's happening. However, if you leave and you get to talking on the phone, I can see you going right back to him. You need to find strength and be your own person.
You do have choices, threesome or not? leave him or not? Whatever choice you do make, make the choices for you.
2006-08-14 07:44:23 · answer #3 · answered by -J 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No one is responsible to make another person happy. Your husband is responsible for making himself happy and you are responsible to make yourself happy. This doesn't sound much like a marriage to me and since you are not happy with this relationship, GET OUT!! Your husband is no husband at all. His "threesome" idea is a dealbreaker. Why are you still there??? And for six years??? You've got a life to live but not till you get away from him!
2006-08-14 07:37:38 · answer #4 · answered by missingora 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Okay! Sounds like he needs help and you need help for staying with him. Everything that you have said is so messed up. My husband want even watch porn because he thinks it may mess up our relationship. If he loved you, he wouldn't make you do things that you don't want to do. If he said he loved the girl, then he does. I can't believe you went against something you didn't believe in. You need more self esteem and get rid of this loser.
2006-08-14 07:34:42 · answer #5 · answered by Xena 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think you already know the answer. Your question dances around the answer, it just doesn't say it. I find it hard to believe your hubby really loves you for who you are. I'm not telling you to leave him, that's your choice. If my wife didn't love me for who I was and acted like your hubby is acting, I would know that the "real" relationship was over except for the tears. I'm sorry.
2006-08-14 07:34:23 · answer #6 · answered by Thomas 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
he will never be happy. you need to get a DIVORCE and run as far away from him as possible. your self-esteem and confidence will come back up if you are not with someone making you feel like sh*t all the time. you don't deserve to be treated that way. leave him but don't find anyone else until you find your true self first. go and be the person you want to be, not who someone wants you to be. you will be so much happier. just don't give in to his crap anymore!!
2006-08-14 07:36:17 · answer #7 · answered by amandy245 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Girl, he is a selfish jerk! Stop living to please him. Stop allowing him to make you feel bad, and start living for God. Do what you KNOW is right, and don't allow someone else to control you and hurt you. Tell him to grow up and start thinking about the vows he gave you and your children! Marriage is between 1 man and 1 woman! Forgive yourself for you past sins and turn from them, and NEVER repeat them again! Do not give into his selfish desires of the flesh or it won't stop, it will only get worse!
2006-08-14 07:34:31 · answer #8 · answered by Matt B 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Never do something just because your hubby wants you to. MY hubby and I have 3-somes but that's because we both want too. He never forces me if I'm not feeling up to it or vice versa. You need someone who shares the same feelings as you do. He knows what he wants and doesn't care how you feel and that's not right..I've been with someone just like that and it doesnt work. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!
2006-08-14 08:04:42 · answer #9 · answered by adatude4u 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
a threesome is fine as long as all the people are conseting adults, but you aren't consenting here. What's happening is more like rape. Rape is sex without your explicit concent. It's like date rape here. Lady, you need help and you need to get out of this marriage.
2006-08-14 07:58:56 · answer #10 · answered by moviegirl 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow.... what a very sad situation you are in.... either you BOTH should seek counseling asap or better yet for you to escape that doom relationship before its too late for you. This definately isn't a healthy relationship at all. Hopefully your young enough to recover, there are tons of better human beings out there, don't feel like he is all you'll ever have.... have faith !!
2006-08-14 07:33:57 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋