He says he is sorry that he wants me to forgive him and let him make me fall in love with him again, all he asks is that I stop reminding him of his affair and stop asking questions about it. He says he wants to live the rest of his life with me and that he loves me and most of the time he shows it but how can I forget and stop nagging him about the affair. It all happened over a couple of months ago. How can I trust him again when I know he works with women all the time? The person he cheated with was a co-worker. Please tell me how can I let it go and stop thinking of this affair every hour of the day?
2006-08-14 06:50:17 · 26 answers · asked by veronica b 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Let it go, it's now behind you guys....The more you bring it up - you'll always argue and will never try to want to trust him again.....
Whats the point of bringing it up if it upsets you?
If you keep on, you won't want to trust him, you'll never want to fall back in love with him.....It's in the past so move on.
Last resort - see a marriage counselor. I wish u both the best of luck!
2006-08-14 06:56:16 · answer #1 · answered by Mary 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, I've been in your shoes honey, and I'm sorry to say that you will never forget. Nor should you. You can forgive, but you'd be foolish to forget it could happen again. Please don't take that the wrong way, I'm not saying it will, I'm just saying that anything is possible and you are now more aware of your situation and it'll be easier to spot any warning signs if it goes that way. The second thing you need to do is demand answers. Women are complex creatures who need to know the "who, what, when, where and why". We do this so that we are able to process it. If we don't, we often blame ourselves. And if we don't process it and accept it, we can't move forward. He's not going to want to give that information, but this isn't about him honey, it's about you and your ability to heal. He has to be an open book for you or there is no chance at rebuilding that trust.
There is something that really bothers me and that is the fact that you "caught" him cheating. You have to make sure that he's truly sorry for cheating and not sorry for getting caught, especially if he works with this woman. I'd have him switch jobs to be on the safe side, and if he complains, tell him he's lost his right to whine about it because there are consequences to every choice a person makes.
I know you are at your most vulnerable right now, but keep in mind, this is the time where the only way to gain your self esteem back, is to take a stand. If you roll over and just take him back without conditions, you've pretty much just rewarded him for cheating. Maybe not intentionally, but in his thought process, it's going to be okay to do it again because there are no real consequences.
And last but not least is the idea of you thinking about it every hour of everyday. Honey, it's like that because you have alot of unanswered questions. Once you get the answers you are searching for, those thoughts will come less and less often. You'll start to focus more on putting your life back together, but it does take time. This is a traumatic thing and the ultimate of betrayals, you should be allowed to mourn the loss of what you thought you had, learn from it, and if you choose to, start rebuilding. It took me a little over a year to get past it, but I finally did and you will too.
2006-08-14 07:17:40 · answer #2 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is wrong. If you have questions and want details of the affair, he needs to give you that info. He is in no position to ask anything of you. He wronged you and is asking you to trust him again. What makes him think he deserves to be with you? He needs to prove to you that he deserves your trust. If he resists or tells you to stop nagging him or that you're unwilling to put it behind you, then he doesn't deserve your trust. He needs to be upfront and honest with you.
You on the other hand, need to demand his honesty. He betrayed your trust and you have every right to know any and all details you feel are relevent. Remember, the affair happend a couple months ago. It's going to take you time to really forgive and move forward. If he doesn't see that, then he's a selfish pr*ck and you deserve better.
2006-08-14 07:10:27 · answer #3 · answered by married2004 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've forgiven him, but you just don't trust him! That's a very normal emotion, given what you've been thru. Regaining trust is one of the hardest things to do - only time will tell whether he will give in to temptation again, especially since he still works with her. I commend you for staying together! Take it one day at a time -- show him you trust him by not calling him at work all day long to see what he's doing! Show him you trust him by not mentioning it ever again! And the best thing you can do for your marriage is get involved in a Spirit-filled church!!!! Make a habit of hanging around morally sound people, make friends with couples your own age and built a firm foundation for your marriage to stand solidly on! You'll find that you WILL fall in love with him all over again!!! God Bless!
2006-08-14 06:59:30 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I think it's very important for you to be able to know what happened, how and why. Otherwise you will keep thinking about it. I would suggest that you tell your husband that you would like to set aside a time where you can sit down and ask him all the questions that you need to ask him about it. Let him know that you are doing this to help yourself find closure. Agree that after all the questions have been asked, and answered to the best of his ability, that you will not bring it up ever again. And stick to it. After that, I would start focusing on yourself. Start thinking of things that you can do for yourself or to yourself to improve. Like, get a new hair style or color, go to a tanning salon, start losing weight if needed, start thinking positive thoughts about yourself. Really stop and think of all the things you like about you and really tell yourself everyday how wonderful you are. You need to really focus on yourself in this way. The improvements you make will really help your self confidence after being cheated on and this can only be attractive to your husband. Remember, you want to be the fun-loving, self-confident girl that anyone would want to be with. You will be the girl that your husband can't resist, instead of it being some other girl. Give it a try. And good luck.
2006-08-14 08:15:46 · answer #5 · answered by zaytox0724 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Chances are you want forget it will always be in the back of your head, but if you decided to take him back than you need to stop nagging him because that was a decision you made. I'm not saying what he did was right but if you two are going to have a future together and you keep bringing it up it will not be good. You need to decide if you love this man enough to forgive not forget. If you cannot forgive than you need to divorce. Good luck!
2006-08-14 06:56:26 · answer #6 · answered by Kenya 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not easy to forget, but you must try hard not to nag him about it every day.. Yes no man wanted to be reminded of their sins everyday.. and much more asking about it. If you wanted the marriage to last since you have forgiven him, then stop nagging him.. You can do it. Pray if you must whenever you feel the urge to nag. You may not trust him anymore but keep it to yourself for the worst just in case.
2006-08-14 07:03:33 · answer #7 · answered by yulnores 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If its meant to be it will be, My ex-husband cheated on me before we got married and i thought i could deal with it and forgive him and i couldn't , then he started his affair back up with her after we got married (not sure if it ever ended actually) so one day i left and never looked back i am very happy now our divorce was final a week ago but we were only married 2 years and together less than a year out of it. But if you think your husband is sincere why don't the two of you try counseling it can't hurt right? My ex refused it of course but if your husband loves you I'm sure he'll be willing to do that for you and your relationship....
2006-08-14 11:49:46 · answer #8 · answered by cslynn1980 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not as easy as saying you forgive him. He will have to re-gain your trust, but something that has been broken will always bear a scar, no matter how carefully you mend it. He will have to accept his guilt and live with your distrust. As will you.
Important is to talk it through, again and again if necessary. Was it a weakness in him, was it something he was looking for he thought he didn't find in you, was it lack of communication? Before you can fix it, you have to know what went wrong.
It's not the place where he works nor the circumstances that surround him. A man can be surrounded by naked women and still stand his own if he is conscious of and permeated with his commitment. Men are often indulgent with themselves and will find endless reasons to be so.
2006-08-14 07:06:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok ifyou want it to work out with him u need to leave the past behind and focus in the present and future i know its hard but in time it will get easier trust me been there
you also need to focus on all the positve things in your relationship and stop nagging u need to learn to trust him again each day will get better
question i have is this his first time he cheated on u if it is mistakes happen and forgive him and focus on making your marriage work if its more than once you should leave him
another thing is you never forget the cheating it will always be in the back of your mind but to give your husband another chance you can't nag cause it wont work out it need to give it time and it and learn to trust him again focus on how good he treat u the positive things and present and future
2006-08-14 07:04:43 · answer #10 · answered by Cat 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋