Is inappropriate chat considered cheating?

Question

Since the beginning of our realtionship, my husband has been a chat-a-holic. He was alwasy online chatting with other women. I had confronted him numerous times for this behavior and he has always said he is going to stop, needless to say, it always happens again. He puts the blame on me, stating something like "I am not giving him enough attention, or he is a man that has needs." There have been time where he has had conversations on his cell phone with these women, talking sexually to them and telling them that he wants to meet them. He always tells me he doesnt mean what he says to them, its just talk. After six times of being caught and saying he wouldnt do it again, I have caught him a seventh time, this time he says its because our sex life is lacking. He has said, again, that it wont happen again, but how do I know that? What should I do?

Answer 1

I believe this is a two-way street.

His reasoning that you're not giving him what he needs sexually "could" be a legitimate issue with him, however, you're under no obligation morally to indulge him if it's not something you want to do. With that said, you need to understand that if he has needs that you can't, or are not willing to satisfy as his partner, then the relationship might be over. His needs are not invalid, just because you're not into them.

The satisfying of sexual needs, needs to be mutual (you both enjoy whatever it is) and consensual (non-pressure and both wanting to do it, or at least try). Sometimes we will try things for the sake of our partners even when we think it's not our thing, which is okay and healthy, but both partners should understand and respect that if the other says "no more" after trying, then that's it. And we shouldn't pressure our partners to continue if we know they're having issues with it. Many men do this to their wives and the wives continue to submit doing "whatever" out of fear of hurting the relationship if they don't indulge their husband's fantasy or needs. Then the opposite spectrum, some women won't try anything or even attempt to help their sexual relationship with their partner.

Your husband and you need some counseling. If you're not sexual enough, maybe you need to try and be. If he's not doing the things that make you feel good or sexy, then he needs to work on that! We men, have a tendency to forget what pushes our spouse's buttons. It takes some effort and romance. Men prefer the visual and hardcore sex, while women enjoy some romance, tenderness and lovemaking. It could be you two need different things, but can't go about giving it or even know how to.

As far as the chatting...I don't chat, nor do I find it a turn-on unless it's my wife (I'm lucky I'm so in love and find my wife so hot after all these years), but I wouldn't say it's as bad as actually sleeping with someone behind your back...BUT it's NOT, NOT cheating. Yes it's a form of cheating and REGARDLESS of what you're not giving him, HE SHOULD STOP. And until you get help or call it quits, he shouldn't do it again.

Have you sat down, non-defensively, and asked him what he would like from you or needs sexually. I know these conversations can be tough and embarrassing sometimes, but you need to have them. It took my wife years to admit she liked being spanked. She felt mortified about her feelings and embarrassed to tell me. Surprisingly, I found it fun and erotic and we incorporate it in our sex life when she's in the mood. You might be surprised and find some common ground. However, if you do the things he wants and he continues to chat and talk with other women, well you've got a serious fidelity problem.

Good luck and Peace

Answer 2

Ok how many times does it take for u to wake up and smell the coffee?????????????

Im not a newbie to the chat world ive chatted on and off for several years, ive been around long enough to know this is how it happens.. starts off with chatting on line, nothing serious, just joking around getting to know someone, then u start talking to the same people over and over, and then u end up sharing personal or intimate thoughts with that person, then one day u get sick of typing it all out and it lands u to phone conversations, depending on the type of person your talking to it lands u to phone sex, which by the sounds of it, ur husband is doing.. and im sure if he has a web cam, he's also masterbating online when ur not around to other girls watching him and perhaps certain girls are doing it to him as well.. .. Next action is, he'll meet someone that lives close that he's done all of this with, and it will move on to the next phase..actually meeting, and possibly having sex with someone.. chatting got boring, so he had to step it up, to possibly cam or phone, or both, then that gets boring, so whats next.. to actually cheat , he's getting away with it so far why not..

YOUR HUSBAND MAY NOT BE PHYSICALLY CHEATING ON U YET BUT HE"S EMOTIONALLY CHEATING ON YOU.. he is using other women to fufill his needs, whether its just ego gradification or sexual fantasies ect.. he is substituting u HIS WIFE, with other people.. personally and intimately and sexually..

IF U DONT MAKE HIM STOP NOW HE WILL CHEAT IF HE HASNT ALREADY.. so u have a decision, do u let this go on???? try to stop it????? do u leave now and not even try??? what do u do.. cause ur man is like a inch away of having sex with someone else, if he hasnt already he is close really close.. Time to throw away the cell phone and kill the pc..

Answer 3

Considering that you just posted the question about being a traditional wife for him, your husband is ... there are no respectful words that can be used to describe that. He should be the one giving you the extra attention if you are going the extra mile for him.

I know a guy who works all day while his wife is at home doing whatever. When he comes home, he cooks and does the laundry and still has the enegry to take her out dancing a few times a week. That's a little extreme, considering how little she does of anything, but your husband is treating you *really* unfairly.

I am really sorry but unless you get some couples couselling and things get worked out quickly your marriage is in real jeopardy.

Best of luck.

Answer 4

Whew!!!

Sweetheart, I'm sorry to put this in your mind (if it's not there already) but are you sure it has gone no further that calls?

He has taken the online chatting to a whole new level and has proven to you that he cannot be trusted becuse he lies.

Personally, I do not approve of my bf even being too friendly with the girls at my office, etc. because he has this natural way of talking that can be misunderstood (or probably deliberate).

Worse yet for online chatting. Men do make plans to meet these women and there is no prior knowledge of their partners, etc. This is even more dangerous that it being someone he actually knows.

DO not let him blame you for his inefficiencies. You need to understand that there are some men out here that can never be pleased by having only one woman and they need to know that they are still desirable by women out there.

What I do is admit to my bf that yes he is sexy, he can get any woman out there (stoke his ego, per say), but remind him that I love him, need him and will truely be hurt if he does anything like that.

Answer 5

You don't know if it will happen again, but you need to realize it has happened more than once. You two need to communicate more. Tell him if there is a problem within the relationship, he needs to first and foremost talk with you. Find out what each other wants and don't want. I had that problem and I gave him 2 chances after the 3rd time I let him go. He always said it was him not me.
That is considered cheating no matter how you look at it.

Answer 6

It's probably not what you want to hear, but counselling sounds in order.

He is cheating emotionally. And it's unlikely that you're going to feel more romantic when you know that he's giving that sort of attention to other women. Which will make him feel more validated in continuing the behavior. It's a vicious cycle.

You need someone to help you both get back to a place where your intimacy is alive and well, and strictly between the two of you.

Answer 7

It is absolutely inappropriate!!! It's so not ok. Girl if this is the 7th time. I think it is time to leave him. He will find that there is no one like you who would put up with that kind of BS. It is disrespectful of you!! Especially since you have asked him to stop and he says that he will and hasn't.

I think he needs counseling or both of you should go. Since it sounds like there are some issues. Girl, I know because I went thru a similar situation with my husband, but it only happened once!

Good Luck

Answer 8

Chatting one the pc is one thing but actually talking on the phone is pushing it. I don't like it when my husband chats but it would be ended real quick with the phone. That is just asking for trouble. If he hasn't made actual physical contact yet he will. By the way it is not your fault no matter what he says.

Answer 9

It doesn't matter if he's cheating or what it is technically.
IT'S NOT ON!!!!!!!

He is disrespecting you as a woman, wife and a freaking human being! Please have some self respect for yourself and know that you did not marry a man to be his mother! To cook and clean and let him have fun time with his playmates!!

Talking sexually to another woman who is NOT his wife?! He is taking you for granted and abusing you emotionally. This man did not take his vows on your wedding day properly. He is not fit as a husband.

You deserve better than this, please wake up. I know you may love him and you are married to him but you are not stupid and love is not stupid!

If he wants his playtime give it to him, I say permanently. You deserve a man who loves you through thick and thin and who can be man enough as well as a mature adult to work martial issues without resorting to such idiotic behaviour.

I hope you don't have children but if my dad did this to my mum, I would clearly turn my back on him. If my partner did that to me, he would see his face out the door.

Answer 10

First, it WILL happen again.
Second, do you trust him not to meet these women? If so, why not do it with him, I mean, you have phone sex with him. He obviously likes it. If he says there's a lacking, take a weekend and have a fantasy camp, fulfill all those fantasies you have. If not, it may be time to get counseling.