First of all: This is my fault. My wife and I have trust issues, I really want to undo the problem. No, I have never cheated, but I have had a lying problem for a long time...to the point that she cannot really tell when I'm lying, so she thinks I'm always lying. I, in my heart, know that I'm MUCH more truthful than I have ever been. Months have gone by with me not lying and she still has yet to soften her judgement. I know this is my fault, I just want the warm & fuzzy back. Please help.
2006-08-14 05:00:53 · 27 answers · asked by winton_holt 7 in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
IN ONE WORD.....EMPATHY.
Lying is narssistic and lacks empathy. Newsflash: The world does not cater to you....
YOU CAN FIX THIS. It's scary to be this honest, but you need to figure out these things.....
First of all, what things do you lie about?
Second, why do you think you lie about things?
Third, what would happen if you could never lie again?
Fourth, how do you justify it to yourself when you lie?
Fifth, how do you justify a lie to someone when you get caught?
Sixth, how do you feel about yourself when you lie to someone?
If you can figure out and admit to your wife why (the answers to all these questions) she might begin to understand you (and you might begin to understand yourself better).
You have taken the first steps....you have owned it and that is HUGE. next step is to understand why.....
Most people lie to cover up what they are ashamed of.
When you lie to your partner, you insult her intelligence, you disrespect her ability to handle the truth, and you betray her. You essentially slap her in the face. You tell her she is not worthy of the truth.
You seem to be afraid on true intimacy. No, not the sex kind, but the letting yourself be vulnerable to someone, trusting them to respect and accept you and your deep dark thoughts, feelings, your secret desires, wishes, and needs. You choose a partner for life, but you don't trust her.......
What could possibly happen if you were to open up to her? Would the world end? Maybe you have a self esteem problem? No, you definitely do.
Chances are, you want to be important, popular, respected, powerful, validated, manly, desirable, wanted, special, skilled, attractive, saught after, pursued......guess what. We all do.
Sometimes we forget to keep flirting, dating, and trying to win our long-term partners over. Guys especially (but not exclusively) turn away from their partner to fulfill these needs (porn, cheating, inappropriate relationships, video games, pathological lying, etc) to take care of themselves and leave their partner twisting in the wind. It is a sort of abandonment, otherwise known as "an emotional divorce". It also serves the passive-agressive feeling of wantint to "get back at them" for our own feelings of inadequacy.
We sometimes forget why we are together and what we did to get together in the first place. You have to gather your courage and discover what it would take for her to fulfill your needs, and ask for that. You also have to be willing to give her what you want her to give you. It takes effort from both of you to rediscover being in love.....
When we stay with someone a long time, we assume that our parrtner's needs are fulfilled by our mere presence. Guess again.....they're NOT. We have to actively fulfill them.....we need to think of at least TWO things every day that will enhance out partner's life.
For some reason, she has stuck around and put up with your lies. Maybe she truly loves you? Do yourself and her a favor......
Sit with her and answer the above questions, acknowledge what she must be feeling......women see EMPATHY as the truth and being genuine and sincere. When she sees your empathy, she will believe you.....
Give her time to begin to see consistent genuine sincerity......make it a habit and a pattern.
The partner you chose for life should be the one you can be truly intimate with. You know she will accept you unconditionally....she has so far. You can inspire her to fall in love with you all over again and be glad she picked you...and give her the satisfaction in your marriage that she so deserves. Think about it, how great would that make you feel?
2006-08-14 14:27:15 · answer #1 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Have you solved the lying problem? If you have not, then that's your first step ... find a way to stop lying. It's also important for you to understand what motivates you to lie so you can control this. Seek therapy.
Forgiveness.
First, you need to examine your conscience. Spend time thinking about how this lying hurt YOU and hurt her. You need to find true sorrow in your act.
Second, you need to talk with her and tell her about your discovery on how your lying hurt YOU and hurt HER. Finish by telling her that you are truly sorry, with her help you resolve not to lie anymore, and that you do not want to hurt anyone with your lies.
Third. Ask for a punishment, or a correctional way to prove you will not lie anymore. She knows you and since she sees your lying in a different view than you, she should ask you to do something difficult to show that you are pennant. Or, you could find a place where you could undergo a polygraph (lie detector) upon her request; there-by giving her the power you took away from your lying.
The warm fuzzy feeling will take time ... but if you continue being sorry for lying, tell her each time you lie, ask for forgivness, and repent by correcting your lying.
Best wishes
PS: Polygraph ... it would be more convincing should you research where you can do this for your wife. Schedual an appointment, and invite your wife. Otherwise, you may be coming off as a bully. Here, you're demonstrating accountablity.
2006-08-14 05:28:02 · answer #2 · answered by Giggly Giraffe 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The reason she's confronted you and has been upset with your lying about the missing pills is because she's concerned about you. You too need to be aware that this could turn into a full time addiction which will only backfire later. Reassure her that it's a mistake which you've realised and weren't doing the right thing. She cares for you enough to forgive you for lying to her. Take care.
2016-03-27 01:23:30 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband has had the same problem. He's lied about lots of things.
It's just part of the consequence to have to deal with her not trusting you. After all, how is she supposed to KNOW that you won't lie again? I'm sure you've repeated yourself after having "breaks" from lying before and she began to trust you until you broke the trust again with another lie.
Lying is selfish and just plain stupid. I'm sorry about that, but it just is. You know it's your fault, and I think it's so cool and so mature and responsible to admit to it and recognize that you have a problem with it.
As long as you keep that in mind all the time and be humble about it, then you won't need to worry if she trusts you or not. A problem with lying, after being corrected, will not bring instant results. It'll take a long time for you to earn her trust back. She'll just have to observe for some time.
I don't trust my husband. I just found out the other day that he got a ticket, went and paid it, all without telling me or anything until I found the receipt in the car. He was embarressed, and I was really upset. Petty thing, I know, but when you have a history of lying you just have to deal with the consequences.
I even have bad dreams about him lying to me over stupid things. The feeling associated with the lack of trust is horrible and nightmarish. Please give her as much time as she needs to learn to trust you again.
Meantime, just live with your consequences, and good luck!
2006-08-14 05:11:22 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
my husband did this s--- to me. he lied and cheated and lied some more. we were together 11 years, 3 kids and i just left him. i feel better now than ever, and i dont think i ever want to go back. i dont think you can get the trust back. you have to start over and hope and pray she is willing to try again with you. you have to get over whatever the issue is that makes you lie so much and you have to always be completely honest no matter how stupid it makes you look. its always better to tell the truth and say you made a mistake then to lie. lying is just childish and immature. good luck, you better hope she has patience and she really loves you.
2006-08-14 05:11:38 · answer #5 · answered by Lovely L 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. Make sure that your life is an open book. Talk to her. It won't happen overnight. You said that you'd been lying "for a long time", but had been truthful for "months". It may take a "long time" for her to forgive you enough to get the "warm & fuzzy" back.
2006-08-14 05:38:11 · answer #6 · answered by nimbleminx 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Remember the story of the boy who cried 'wolf'? That's you...when you've lied so much, people finally get to where they won't believe anything you say...
You may not be able to get her trust back...how many times do you expect someone to get burned and yet keep coming back for more? YOU may know you are now truthful, but she has no way of knowing that and it's likely in the past you tried equally as much to convince her of your sincerity, while you were lying your pants off...
If she hasn't left you, that's one positive sign (I would have)...give it Time (and I mean a LOT)...you made your bed, now you're going to have to lie (pun intended) in it for a while...
Remember the repercussions you are feeling now, when you get the urge to lie in the future...
Treat others as you'd like to be treated...if you don't like being lied to, don't lie to others...
2006-08-14 05:07:19 · answer #7 · answered by . 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be honest with her and explain why you have been lying, if you don't know do couple therapy and individual. That way you can find out why you have been doing this without the pressure of your wife there. Also you can rekindle the relationship without a screaming match about you lying or one of you shutting down.
2006-08-14 05:06:29 · answer #8 · answered by SarahBabe07 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
when you say that " this is not my fault" that may be a key reason why she doesn't trust you because you do not accept responsibility for your actions, First, you should apologize and tell her that you are working really hard to be more truthful and open with here. You should keep the lines of communication open, and know that time will only be able to heal this. Also, you should consider counseling to address trust issues.
2006-08-14 05:17:29 · answer #9 · answered by muslimah 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Trust once lost is difficult to restore. Yet you can try. For her next birthday get an expensive gift and take her out for dinner and create a pleasant and solemn environment and open your heart. swear that you will never ever lie to her. There is a chance she will accept and things will be OK and live happily ever after!
2006-08-14 05:09:07 · answer #10 · answered by openpsychy 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋