My wife has abandoned me for 2 years and now that I am taking action, she wants to come home. Do I let her?

Question

I am a former youth minister that lost my job defending allegations that my wife was cheating on me and using drugs. For the past two years she has never been home 7 nights in a row, and sometimes was gone 4 days a week, and when i begged her to come home, she wouldn't. She spent $200-$400 a week and her cell bills were outrageous. I went into massive debt trying to work things out and now im spent emotionally, financially, and mentally. Now that i finally put my foot down, and after being sepearated 4 weeks, she wants to come home and says she will change. I know what I think i have to do, but am concerned that maybe she really wants to change and be with me. She doesn't make much money, has nowhere to go, and clearly needs professional help. I want to help her, but she has to love herself. I basically know she cheated at least emotionally, and i think she was using drugs. My question is do i give it one more try on my terms? Should I just stick to my guns? Let me know what you think.

Answer 1

Hell no! Get as far away as you can, as fast as you can. And thank your lucky stars that you didn't have any kids.

Answer 2

More than once I've advised guys here to take a hard line about the wife cheating. Ironic that when you've finally reached the end of being an understanding person she wants to come back. Water under the bridge. If this has been going on for two years I think you need to let her go. If she's been playing you for two years, she probably thinks this begging will buy her another one. Don't buy it. You've been a doormat for two long already. Get the divorce let her live the life she asked for. If she wants to come back make sure it is much later after she's cleaned up. I think you'll find that once you give her the toss out she will go the other way.

Answer 3

Wow. First let me say how sorry I am that you have had to go through this. You have to do some serious soul searching for yourself to see if your ready to try again. She's been gone off and on for 2 years and has gone through a lot of money not to mention the cell phone bill. Were you footing the bill for her all this time? I think you're in a bit of denial about her cheating, trust me, if she's been gone off and on for two years, she's cheated. I think you've done everything you could possibly do to make this marriage work, and she seems like a really good taker...she's taken and taken from you until you put your foot down and said "ENOUGH!"...and THEN she decides she wants to straighten up her act???? Sounds like she's more scared of losing her "free ride" then losing a husband. I think it's time to wipe your hands clean. Yes, she clearly needs help, but you can't make someone get help who isn't ready for it. I think it's time for a new start. There are millions of women out there who would love and appreciate a man like you, you are worthy of good love, and what you have now is a very, very toxic relationship. It's time to start over.

Answer 4

Where is the devil in all this ? I say this upfront to set the tone. Before eeven talking about getting back together, several issues must be resolved before any meaningful relationship can be established from here on out. The fact that you are considering means your dor is not closed. But is it becasue you are just a nice guy ? or is it you still have some love left for her. There should be a transition depot before you guys reannounced yourselves as man and wife. For you will be remarrying so to speak. So all the crap have to be dealt with. All the roaches inside have to come out all the mistrust, all the grievances, the bitterness, the misunderstandings, the unforgivenes....cut the story short, marry as two individual cleased from all sins. And if you have left God, maybe it is your turning point to.

Answer 5

Only now when you choose to end the turmoil of your relationship does she decide to come back and promise change. She clearly has problems and needs to work them out. She needs a good dose of reality, not a crutch. Her problems will not easily go away, nor will your relationship ever be beautiful and spiritual again. I strongly suggest you move on with your life. You only get so many chances to start over in life because like they say, life is short.

If you want to help her, then point her in the right direction, like seeking professional help… but then cut the ties. It is hard, but a couple years from now you will find happiness and strength.

Answer 6

After everthing she has put you through no. Think about all the misery and pain that you have over this situation. Stand up and be strong for yourself because if you let her come back she will only do to you what she has done to you in the past.You will never be happy with her after everything that she has done to you. Unless she wants to help herself there is no way that you can help her except to follow through with your plans and divorce her. She will continously use your money for drugs and and cause you nothing but stress and misery. Be strong find a woman that deserves your love and devotion. Someone that will appriciate a man like yourself.

Answer 7

Hmmm tough question. And I think some important factors were left out. Like how long were you married are there any children involved..Is this the first time you have been seperated? blah blah blah. I feel the most important thing to do is to follow your heart. Maybe she does really want to change and you should allow her at least the one opportunity to try to do so. How do you feel about her? Do you love her? Does she love you? Sometimes you have to give in order to recieve. Maybe a nice compromise is in order? Love and relationships are not black and white. They have many shades of gray. Good luck.

Answer 8

Hi. I have a friend that went through that so i have dealed with this before. See He said with her and she acually got alot worse into the problem. So i would say for you to try to get her on the track a little but dont take her back, unless you want her to be that way her whole life. And if she really wants you and to spend the rest of her life with you she will clean up and come back loving as ever.

Answer 9

Are you out of your mind? Dump this loser, and do it quick. The allegations were obviously true, and you have already suffered greatly. There is no end to this unless you sever the relationship now. She will continue to use you and abuse you until you have nothing left. Keep what you have for the future and get a new partner that is more closely aligned with your religious beliefs.

Answer 10

Tell her that she can come bak on your terms and only your terms.......remember that when you were married it said that you would be together in good times and bad....i am a firm believer of that because no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.......however you can't allow her to drag you down with her....if she can't get help and agree to your terms........I think that you tried all you could to save this marriage and it is time that you start living your life and let her continue her.......she will change when she wants too....and you should not wait after that.

Answer 11

I know it is difficult decision. How you ever got involved with this person, I do not know. Is she worth it? I think not. Selfish is selfish, she either has a heart or she doesn't. I do not think she has a heart. She is only hurting because she has run out of other options. She is only crying as a means to be manipulative. Do you see this person standing by your side to help you rebuild your life and reputation? You sound like an upstanding person with alot of heart and character. Do not let her bring you down, life is TOO short.