Inspiration needed!?

Question

Im so bored, tell me a funny story, make a joke, tell me to do something for you, what ever just give me ideas on what to do! Entertain me plz!

Answer 1

1)I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?
2)When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3)My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4)I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
5)I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
6)I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7)Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8)My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9)Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
10)I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11)If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12)I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13)You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions...
1.Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3.Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4.Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your *rse?
5.Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6.Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7.Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
9.Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11.What do people in China call their good plates?
12.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
13.What do you call male ballerinas?
14.Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
15.If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17.Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
18.Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
19.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1)Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2)At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3)One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4)You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5)Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6)Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7)Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8)You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9)Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
10)You never know where to look when eating a banana.
11)Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
12)Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
13)Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
14)You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
15)Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
16)The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
17)The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
18)Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
19)Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
20)Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
21)Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
22)Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
23)You never ever run out of salt.
24)Old ladies can eat more than you think.
25)You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
26)There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
27)No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
28)Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
29)the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
30)People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
31)You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
32)Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
33)Bricks are horrible to carry.
34)In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
35)Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!

Answer 2

The best thing to do, I find, is to write your rough draft in your diary or an agenda or something, where hardly anyone will ever see it. You could try writing about the feelings that you felt when you read something or did something. I don't know if you want a rhyming poem, but I strongly advise against it unless it is absoloutely necessary. You could also try writing about inanimate objects or something in nature; I find those things usually work well. Take a walk in the park or go for a bike ride or admire the tree in your front yard. Also, I don`t know if this works for everyone, but whenever I write the first draft of any poetry, I scribble. My writing is usually so messy that I can barely read it, and this lets me edit it a lot. Good luck!

Answer 3

1. Climb up a lampost and pretend to get stuck
2. Lock yourself in the cupboard and convince yourself you've been kidnapped by terrorists
3. Count the average number of smarties per tube
4. Have a dirty conversaition with a box of washing powder
5. blue tak your neihbours door bell
get someones number from the phonebook who lives local. tell them they have won the church raffle and to collect their hamper. wait and watch as they walk aroud the churchyard looking confused...
6. Call the police and tell them there is a strange man walking around the church yard
7. Consider whether a jaffa cake is a cake or a buscuit
8. See how many different varieties of beans you can hold on your head at once
9. Get p*ssed
10. Work out how much you are worth by valuing up all the items in your world, including any partners or kids.

Answer 4

Hi there !

First a small story that really happened last week, one of my friends told me she saw this in the bus. It was pretty busy and some people had to stand in the bus. There was a lady standing there and the zipper of her blouse was not well closed (on the back side). A man saw this and trying to be helpful he closed that zipper. The lady didn't know that he was helping her and thought he was trying to do something bad. She became furious and shouted at the man. The man had not expected this reaction and he seemed pretty shocked. So he tries to undo what he did and opens that zipper again. This was also not appreciated and he got slapped in the face. Really happened here in Singapore !!

Then what can you do for me...can you recommend a nice song or a nice movie that I don't know yet ?

Answer 5

Dam women drivers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped
My electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel,

it knocked My cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, which splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers


**** Not mine - someone posted it a few minutes ago in jokes and riddles ****** just want him to have credit for it but it is funny!!

Answer 6

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"

Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Answer 7

OK you wanna hear a good joke.

Why are Jews circumcised?







Because jewish women dont touch anything unless it has at least 10% off!


This deserves a best answer and you know it!

Answer 8

There are two eggs boiling in a pot, the first egg says to the other one if you think this is bad , wait till you get out they are gonna smash your head in!

I know its not really that funny, but hey i tried. And its the only joke i can seem to remember!

Answer 9

hello
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJnVQ-uBxIM
funny Wierd Al Interviews Eminem

or
Dennis Leary - I'm an Assshole
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY67cYJDc9s

Answer 10

There was a young guy called Sam
Who was sick to death of spam
That when he got it
He just shot it
Now his 'puta's blam.

There was a young bloke called Sam
That got his head stuck in a clam
It caused him some cancers
So he jumped onto Answers
And asked to be cured with jam.

???!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!