Why Can't I Accept Past Lovers? Why can't I banish my retrograde attitude?

Question

My gf's past lovers stop me from sleeping. I hate to be tied to such a traditional attitude, but I can't to abandon it. Now, it is hard to find women that are not experienced. I don’t hate them; I understand their reasons. I even seem to like experienced women. I have loved all three women I’ve been with, but their number of past men (5-12) hurt me. They’ve all been with more men than I have been with women (3). I hate to seem like a religious fundamentalist, but the mere existence of these men wracks my brain. The longer I love, the more assurances of their love I have, the more this problem vexs me. With each girl, my reason for ending it was tied to the pain caused the previous men.
I hate myself for being intolerant. I know their experiences shaped them into the caring, sophisticated women I love. I don’t care about my relative sexual prowess.
I am a Neanderthal needing to be the most special, the most loved, the only one. It stops blossoming of my love.

It seems wrong that due to changes wrought by the last three to four decades in medical technology and mores, we must expect and accept that so many men have been in our place before. So many men have held, caressed, and whispered adoration in the ears of the women we love.
I am an asshole - maybe I should join some sect. These girls love me, I believe in their love, but the past men – that the women have loved them too – prevents me from truly loving. Numerous times when I could have been with a woman, and gave up the opportunity because of my chauvinistic attitude. I didn’t want to be the “previous male” for another mentally-wracked guy like myself. I want to be with my current girlfriend, but the more I care for her - the more I lose sleep over her multitude of past men. I don’t want to give her up, far from it, I want to spend every moment with her and find everything she does to be wonderful and affectionate. Why can’t I be more free-and-easy?

Answer 1

Its normal to be bothered by the number of sexual partners and if its such an issue with you.. dont ask them... restrain yourself from prying into their past sexual experience. I personally dont go into details of my past nor do I disclose the number of sex partners I've had in the past.. the ONLY thing my boyfriend needs to know is that I have NO std's and I'm HIV NEGATIVE... other than that.. I dont feel that my past sex life is any of his business...

Answer 2

I don't think it's that out of line to have those thoughts but if they are a contributing major factor to not having a relationship work out, you'll soon have your own number of women from broken relationships and the day might arrive where you outnumber a new person in your life.

So you need to find a way to handle this - I think the best advice is simply to not pry. Don't ask these type of things and if your date starts to talk about anything related to it, ask her to please stop. You can tell her straight up that you have problems with it and just don't discuss these type of issues.

Partners really don't need to be sharing that type of information anyway. Just make sure you safe, clean, and this is something both of you want to do at this point in your relationship.

Remember - she's not with these losers anymore. She's with YOU. Don't let the chains of the past hold you back from having a wonderful experience with a loving woman.

As for the past memories from these other experiences, I would seek out some professional counseling. It's not a weakness but I would try to deal with it now (while your single again) before it has the chance to mess things up, especially if you find a great girl, and you don't want that to stand between you and her.

Answer 3

You are insecure about yourself and view those past lovers as a thread. Admit it. There is nothing to be ashamed about as most guys have some degree of this problem.

If your self-esteem were where it should be then you wouldn't have this problem. Also if you respected yourself then you would also respect your partner as a person and would be happy that they had done whatever made them happy in the past.

Your only way to fix this is to raise your self-esteem. You should also take note that girls can sense jealousy and insecurity incredibly fast. Don't think that your attitude is going undetected.

BTW what was your childhood like? Especially your parents, were they abusive?

I used to have slight problems with the past lovers of my significant others but raised my self-esteem and to be honest one day when I get married I'll be open to the idea of swinging...

Answer 4

I feel ya bro. ONe day you will just realized that she's there wiht you, not those other guys, and at the end of the ngiht she is in your bed, cuddling next to you. Remember that. It is a hard thing to think about, so i say dont think about it, i mean come on now, you dont exactly have the cleanest past either. so just chill and know that your girl loves you and is with you. Your the one she wants, and has.

Answer 5

I think everyone goes through this at some point (the jealousy over past loves) But, I think it's important to remember that you are there now, and they aren't. That past person has no power over you, unless you let them. I think those of us who deal with these issues have to accept that our feelings are born out of insecurity and we have to make it a priority not to torture our partner with this ridiculousness. As time goes on, your feelings will cool, if you let them. Don't feed the fire, once you know what you need to know about her past, don't continue to question her, let it go. Forget about it, it really is pointless to get yourself worked up about people that are no longer in the picture.

Answer 6

Every time you have intercourse, you co-mingle your spirit with the spirit of the person you are sleeping with.
In other words, a unity happens on a level you cannot see.
So if you do it outside of a wholesome marital relationship, usually all other encounters will disappoint because you are perverting the gift of your sexuality which was meant for a wife, not a fling.