My bf is an addict currently in treatment. What is the likeliness of our relationship suceeding?

Question

i am 21, I met my BF bout a year and a half ago while attending bartending school. He worked there as one of the recriuters/representatives. from the day i first saw him it was like love at first sight. i almost felt like a little girl with a crush. i started school there and didnt get to finish the first time around so i recently went back this past january to finish. this time around our encounter led to an invite from him to go on a date to the movies. i was so happy i got that butterfly feeling in my stomach. so a few days later we went on a double movie date and everything went great. Although at this time i wasnt really interested in a serious relationship and we both agreed to keep it casual.


As time went on, i noticed many changes in his behavior and started to see he was different than i initially thought but i figured thats what happens when you "Get to know" somebody. But sooner or later i started to fall for him and all the while pretending to myself that i could be rid of him at any time without it bothering me. Soon enough he expressed to me that he too was falling for me and he wanted to make it official so after a short resistance...i agreed. Boy if i only knew....


And so now we were an "item" and i still kept feelings held back to a certian drgree and at the same time started to notice those "differences" in his behavior were happening more often and worsened. He would have emotional outburts, lose his temper and always seemed up tono good...hiding things...lying etc. And so money started to go missing from my purse and he always owed other people money. DING DING DING i knew then exactly what was going on but still denied it in my head because now i relaized i really did care for himm and started to love him.


He was on drugs. One of my best friends is now a recovered addict who is the kindest and most special person to me who i helped get over her addiction. SO this is why i wasnt so quit to judge. it was almost like i knew all along but didnt want it to be true because i knew what a terible problem was set before me and i didnt want it to ruin the feelings i had towards him.

So bascially we have since disscussed this issue and i understand why and what his addiction is. He has since lost his job, car, and certain relationships in his life. He is such a smart, caring and loving person... like my friend but the drug has taken over his life. Saturday night i drove him to the airport where he left for treatment in Florida. He seems determined and motivated to get clean for i have been trying to give him tough love and basically told him i will not stand for the lying and decieving and if he doeesnt want to get help then we will not be together.


He has promised and seems sincere that we will soon have a normal life together. i beleive that is what he wants but i dont know if it is truly possible. the most painful thing is now i have to lie. my family who adores him, has been asking questions about his car and job and why he left so quickly to florida since i told them he was going to visit family. he will be gone for 30 days and says he wants to go to a halfway house when he gets back. i am so proud of him for making the choice to get help but at the same time i'm sad that this has to be an issue at all.


I personally feel like God sent him to be since it is in my nature to help people...especially good people. i know i could find someone who doesnt have these problems and it would be so easy for me to just dessert him but he needs me. So for that i feel guilty for wanting to get out. At the same time i want to help him and be supportive since i know he is all the things i want depite this serious and unfortunate problemso we can have that life we both want so bad. i am afraid that with all my best efforts the realtionship will fail and i will feel empty and exhausted after loving him unconditionally and without judgement.


Thanks for listening and any feedback will be great

Answer 1

True addiction is a disease no different than if he were to be struck down by cancer or something else like that. Would you leave him if he got in a car accident and was suddenly paralyzed?

That said you need to sift through how much was addiction and how much was just him. Many people use drugs as an excuse for behavior. The drugs are just what they bought. If not drugs, booze, if not booze, gambling if not gambling maybe donuts. Addiction can be beaten if he is dedicated to do so. Much of it is just changing your crowd and beating the habit, the physical addiction of most drugs is mild. The lifestyle and habit are the hard part to beat. If he hangs out with folks that use drugs it will be far more difficult for him to stay clean. Partying will make him especially vulnerable. He gets a few drinks and decides to do his drug of choice thinking it'll be just then. But once he does he wants it again and again. So it is not just quiting that drug, it's getting out of partying alltogether for a time. It's changing friends and dropping activities that are going to bring him in contact with drugs. If he plays in a band he migh need to change to a band where they don't use for a time.

Each drug is different. Coke has a mild physical addiction. For some people the mental addiction can be quite strong. Herion has an intense physical and lifelong addiction. It is much harder to beat, though also much harder to become addicted too. Krank has a mild physical addiction, medium psychological addiciton but the lifestyle aspect is very strong. It might mean he needs to to park his Harley for a time, drop out of his club, change friends or whatever else puts him in contact with Krankers.

Weed, mushrooms, acid, etc are not addictive at all. Anybody adicted to them it is a purely psychological aspect and they have an addictive personality. Which means they'll be prone to becoming addicted to gambling, skydiving, and a host of other addictions. In this case you need to replace the addiction with one that is not damaging to the relationship. Counseling might help though I have little faith in counceling. Much of it is regurgitation of baseless facts that have no contextual awareness or even consideration for individual circumstances. Occasionally you get a good one. They are rare.

Addictions are also often a warning of a more serious mental disease. Bipolar for example often manifests itself in excessive drug use which disguises the actually problem. Your bf has exibited enough possible symtoms that I would read up on bipolar if I were you and screen for that.

When it comes down to it you have to consider how much do you love him? How well do you know him?

If he's ever hit you leave. That is not an aspect of drug addiction. That is a personality defect period. If he's cheated on you. Again that's not addiction that's a personality defect. In both cases it will have occured drugs or no drugs and will continue drugs or no drugs. Addiction can cause a person to lie and steal. It'll cause instability temper wise. Maybe even some judgement flaws. What it won't do is change a person's basic personality.

Most of all. Will the worst case scenario haunt you more than giving up before you tried your hardest?

Good luck. Hope it works out for the best for you.

Answer 2

First, despite the emotions you feel toward this person, you knew almost from the start that it(the relationship) and/or he wasn't right. But, rather than do the difficult thing, and go with those instincts, you went for immediate gratification, ultimately choosing someone that was(is) not appropriate for you.
Second, as part of HIS recovery, he has no business being in a relationship during the first year of recovery.
Third. you are too young to confine yourself to a committed relationship of ANY kind. You don't realize it now, but you have A LOT of getting to know yourself time to experience BEFORE you can fairly entertain the proposition of committed involvement with someone else.
Relax, slow down, and enjoy getting to know the full range of people and circumstances around you in life. If you feel your calling in life is to be a helper, then you need to realize that that is a gift. With any gift comes responsibility. With this particular gift, you have a responsibility to not squander your gift on people and situations that are above your level of experience or those which are ultimately unresponsive to your interventions. Ultimately though, you have a responsibility to take care of yourself FIRST, and that means choosing what and who you will help CAREFULLY.
Your responsibility ultimately is for yourself, not others.

Answer 3

You shouldn't feel guilt for not wanting to be with him. You have to watch out for #1. The effect on you so far has been minimal, but should the relationship grow and he slips again, it could be much worse. If you're married, you could be ruined financially. Or, there could be a car accident or something like that where someone is injured or killed.

Those might be extreme examples, but they happen all the time. YOUR life could be ruined.

My position on this is perhaps harsh, but there are a lot of good people out there - one should never settle. He stole from you. How can you gamble your own happiness on him?

You say that its your nature to help people...you'll do enough of that even in a relationship with someone who is healthy and not an addict. Life always throws up challenges.

Think about your potential with him.

Now think about your potential with someone else. (someone who respects you as much as you do him, someone who likes to help others as much as you do. Someone who you'll NEVER DOUBT.)

Answer 4

Nobody can judge if a person will stay sober, especially the one with an addiction. You may want to find a Alanon group close by. They are confidential, you may get some tools to help you..if he slips or falls off the wagon. I was married to a 'practicing alcohlic" for over 20 years, till I finally had enough. I guess some do go "straight/stay sober" but I havent met any.

Answer 5

OK. If you're in, you're in. What I mean is that you can either stick this out with him and see him through (because he's going to need a lot of support- emotionally, mentally, physically, and psychologically), or you can make up your mind and just leave him; there's no in and out about this, if you're in, you're in. I know you're not his mother, but it's you who can turn his life around, if you want. He needs someone who he can trust during his treatments because it's going to be a long tough road. He needs someone who will not let him get away with bullsh.t, meaning he needs to be responsible for his own actions. This is not all about him, it's about you too. You're coming out of this addiction, just like him. You're holding back your feelings to not tick him off, and this kind of relationship is not healthy. You both have get back to a normal state, pre-dating. This is going to be a tough road, but you have to make up your mind. Don't feel guilty because this was his choice, not yours. So you have a tough decision to make; either leave your man to face his own addiction and recovery, or stick with him through the end. If you truly love this guy unconditionally like you say, you'll know the answer in your heart. Good luck!

Answer 6

Love Me, by Collin Raye I love these words he sing Chorus: If you get there before I do don't give up on me I'll meet you when my chores are through I don't know how long I'll be But I'm not gonna let you down Darlin' wait and see And between now and then till I see you again I'll be loving you Love, Me this song touch my heard and then i am addicted to the song , and burn one cd with only this song.

Answer 7

Well you sound like a wonderful person and he is so lucky to have you.I am a recovering addict,and after I went to treatment I am still going to NA meetings,12years after I went to treatment.You may IM me,I will be here a while longer.I Hope he sticks to his program.He cannot be around anyone who even looks like they are in active addiction.While he is away you need to be in Naranon,working your program so you will know what to expect.The question is will you be willing to live the rest of your life with someone with this disease?We never fully recover,just one day at the time.PEACE and GOD BLESS YOU!!!

Answer 8

if he is serous about staying sober or drug free then i say go for it ...if not it is in your best intress to walk away and not look back ...i know its cruel but it will be better for you that way