what should I do about sex? (serious answers PLEASE!)?

Question

I am in the process of an Jewish Orthodox conversion. I made a vow last year that I would not touch a guy before marriage, besides maybe hand holding. Sex really confuses me. I have had sex before, and I was sexually abused as a child. I figured the best way to have a healthy sex life is to not have sex again until I am married.

I went to a YJAM shabbat get together yesterday. I found out that my vows are eaisier said than done. I noticed a pattern in myself that may have something to do with being sexually abused. When a cute guy talks to me, I notice myself throwing myself at him, figuratively speaking. Yesterday I didn't realize I was flirting until after the fact. This guy was talking to me, and he was soooo attractive.... I started to have naughty thoughts. I am glad I didn't touch him, and I'm glad I decided to go home after I realized I had been flirting. But the way I acted really scared me. It seems that the only way I can relate to guys is by sex.

I am afraid I will seem boring when I talk to a guy, so to me, sex is a way to keep from talking. If the cute guy I talked to yesterday would have walked me home, I'm sure I would have done something I would have regretted. I crave afection so badly, because my parents were abusive and I didn't get hugs growing up. What should I do? How do I get the affection I need without breaking the promises I made to myself and G-d? Will I ever get enough affection and attention to satisfy me? How do I control my urges better, so that I am not five seconds away from sleeping with any guy who is nice to me?

P.S. I would especially appreciate answers from a Jewish perspective.

Answer 1

Well, first of all it is a great sign that you are aware of this in yourself. If you weren't, it would be easy to repeat this cycle. So, when you notice this happening, just try to be aware and do what you think is best.
I was sexually abused as a child also. It is difficult for so many reasons. I admire you for being wise and trying to be chaste until marriage. Sex can be confused for love and especially for survivors. Be strong! Ask G-d for strength in this. And ask Him for the right man to be sent into your life.

Answer 2

God created sex to be between a married man and his wife. That is sex in its purest form. When temptation strikes take your thoughts captive and give them to God. Immediately realize where your mind has traveled and put a stop to it. Pray to the Father for strength and switch the path of thought. The mind is the most dangerous sexual organ in the body. That is where it starts. The thoughts kick in and it takes you where you do not want to go. I was sexually abused as a child so I have an idea of what you are going through. At the time, I had no idea of why this happened and it confused me and made me so angry at God, but I can testify to the fact that it has helped me relate to so many people and I know that God is good. If you would like to talk more, feel free to e-mail me. God bless.

Answer 3

I am not Jewish and consider myself agnostic. With that said:
YOU NEED TO GET THERAPY TO DEAL WITH THE CHILD ABUSE ISSUES! If you do not get therapy then I very highly doubt you will ever "get over it". Do you want to still have those horrible feelings about your childhood, abuse, and sex when you are a grandma? They are not about to just go away. Please people, if you've been abused then get help so you can deal with the issue.
God I hate child abuse.

Anyway I don't get why people need to look at sex as a bad thing or "sin". IMO God would want us humans to get together and share feelings of intimacy with each other. The ability of two strangers to meet and eventually appreciate each other so much that they can share a moment of intimacy together is an absolutely beautiful thing.
Whatever, what you decide to believe is up to you. Just go do us a favor and get some counseling.

Answer 4

I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you said it is the way you relate to men that is the problem. Have confidence in yourself and your worth as a person. There is more to you than your body, and you have to learn to trust that we men CAN actually see that. It sounds like you were around a number of men with "one thing on their mind", but remind yourself that they were the exception to the rule.

If all else fails, (and I realize that this is going to sound a little weird) try talking to the guy as if he were a girl. I don't mean "talk about girl stuff"; instead, speak to him as if his sex were not even an issue. You hopefully won't have to use this tactic very long, but it could be a useful tool to use as you strengthen your own sexual self-discipline.

Finally, realize that sexual urges and thoughts in and of themselves are NOT evil. This is a lesson I struggled with a long time before I finally came to a proper understanding. God made the human body with certain desires pre-hardwired in to help ensure the survival of the human race. Having those desires is normal; it is only acting on them (with disregard to God's word) or constantly dwelling on them that is a sin. Don't sweat it if your heart skips a few beats around someone who you think is cute... or even if you can't help but think how good he'd look without a shirt, LOL.

Anyway, keep a tight rein on yourself as you get this all figured out, and trust in the Lord to see you through. Good luck!

P.S. While Judaism is fine and all, please convert to Christianity instead! Faith in Christ can deliver you from all kinds of problems. Just a little extra (unsolicited) advice from yours truly...

Answer 5

I am glad to hear that you have made this commitment and are trying your best to keep it. That is very admirable. Have you considered getting counselling for the abuse you have had to endure? It sounds like to me that counselling might help you. No child is given the tools necessary to deal with abuse, and you should not therefore feel bad for needing counselling. I know if I were in your shoes, I sure would need it. (Heck I'm in my own shoes, and I need it!).

Dr. Abraham J. Twerski is an Orthodox Jewish rabbi and a psychiatrist. He has some good books on self-esteem that might help you. I really wish I could remember the names of them! I know one very good one is called Dearer Than Life.
I did find this list of his books:
http://www.artscroll.com/Authors/Rabbi_Abraham_J._Twerski.html
But the one in particular I am thinking about is not on that list.

Anyway, you may talk to your rabbi for a suggestion on some Jewish resources for dealing with past abuse, and the current problems you are sustaining as a result of that.

All the best to you.

EDIT:
I also thought I might suggest a book by Gila Manolsen called "The Magic Touch." I loved that book. I read it in one sitting (it's very small). It is about the power of touch in relationships, and how waiting is so valuable for that relationship. Perhaps it will motivate you. ;-)

Answer 6

All I say to you is good job to choose to be absente till marriage

for your problem is to find a nice guy that is a virgin that is all about no sex till being married and do not go astray or get your friends to come with you on dates and no time alone with any guys that think it is ok or don’t respect your decision

But try to find a guy so you at least think of him when the hot ones are around or all ways just have a gay dude friend that always helps to keep the bar jerks away

But I am sorry on your childhood it sound as if it was pretty rough try to live though to the present I had a pretty rough one to it is a time that changes things for your entire life but you chose how

ps I am a guy I have only dated once and had my heart ripped out and beaten swore but I am now finding a nice girl that is a virgin just like me we have both chosen to not have sex till we are married but maybe not to each other but I found comfort in finding her it was a tough part I was pressured into having sex cuz my entire school but of 4 including me have all had sex the presser was great but we found strength in each other I know of this thing about guys because I have 5 girl cousins that all have had sex and one that got pregnant but cuz of are views she gave birth and put it up for adoption to a couple that could not conceive

So live strong and follow true "only on the path to virtue is the path hard but on that path you can build true faith in your god"

Sorry I am catholic but I know it to is a hard path but follow it with pride and you will complete this path with out fault

Answer 7

Listen the same thing happened to me when I was young and I reacted the same way...I changed my pain into my pleasure! I see that you are a very smart person,and if you are asking what to do,then deep down inside you already know your answer...Besides NO one can tell you when to have sex...That is your right...It was taking from you before and it is time that you take that right back...Take you time because it's not like sex is leaving anytime soon....And just remember YOU are the one that will wake up the next day feeling proud of your choice or feeling depressed.So be smart don't do something that you will regret down the road like I did.....I am now a 29 yr old mother of 3 (14,12,&11) with a dead end job, nohome of my own,and single....So just take your time it will be worth the wait............Good Luck with your choice!!!!

Answer 8

You really need to put the religious feelings a side so you can deal with your sexual feelings. I'm an old grandma and I'm trying to get you to see whats best for you. It all obviously has you stressed. Start off by arousing yourself masturbation is a very normal very natural thing. Then just let yourself enjoy your life. But the masturbation will help you relieve the sexual tension. Don't let the religious garble control your life.

Answer 9

So far, it sounds like you're doing about as well as you could expect. All you can do is try to put such thoughts out of your head. I know. That doesn't really help. Sexuality is powerful for all of us. You are not alone, and I suspect the abuse doesn't have as much to do with your problem as you believe. Generally, that will only affect the expression of your sexuality. It can cause problems in later relationships if you don't deal with it eventually.

Answer 10

Sorry, not Jewish but getting some type of therapy would help in dealing with the abuse. With that said, one practical thing that helps me talk to members of the opposite sex is to pretend they're the same sex as you. Of course subject matter can be difficult but it does help but it'll help a guy to get to know you better before jumping into the sack.