How does / can a wife (and I'm a new wife, 24) deal with a husband who does not love her?

Question

Every sermon I hear on wedding days at our church, makes me wish I didn't hear it because it makes me feel bad. Everything they say how a husband should be, my husband is not. To love his wife as Christ loves the church is far from my husband. In fact he reproaches anything I do does not care about my feelings he just gets angry at me all the time and treats me like a worthless person. and he acts like i'm against him and gosh i'm not sure how to describe this but i feel so alone so sad and cry so much i don' thave money for counseling and i do not know how to deal with this. The Bible says to turn the other cheek and yes I do but he's my husband! :( He doen'st think he needs to work on anything in our relationship and blames everything that has gone wrong with our not even 2 yr long marriage is my fault. :( please I need Christian insight please. I feel like I just can't take anymore..i've had more emotional pain in this so far marriage than i've ever had in my life.

I do all I can to show that I still love him...he married me thinking that i married him so i can use his money to help my family which breaks my heart because when i married him i didn't even know how much money he makes. I didn't even care. I just knew that I loved him and couldn't live w/o him but I find that that was and is not true for him. I'm so confused so many times and go to sleep with a million questions in my mind and bitter heart. this is just not right and i pray to God to change things but things are not changing. i do my best i read articles i do my best i listen to God sword but nothing helps me. :( I've come to feel farther away from God since I got married too. ITs just so much pain sometimes to see how selfish and how heartless my husband can be the one i thought was so kind and patient is not so.

But I don't want to leave him :( I feel like it was Gods will for me to marry him. I just can't leave him it would break my life and heart and everything...this is so hard.:(

i married him because at that time i though the loved me he said so and i was in love with him too.

we went to our pastor for some counseling regarding how my husband was treating my family and at the time i was so emotional and i cou'tnt think straignt i ddin't tell the pastor everything and i was nervous too...but i wish i told him everything that bothered me...anyways the pastor said he will call us and follow up and see how things are going he said the problem we have is not a big deal we're gonna be ok but he said he will call us to see how we are doing...its been months and months and i have not received any call from our ever so busy pastor...maybe he forgot. but i wish he would have called. now i don't even want to ask for his help anymore. and my husband didn't want to go but went out of so pastor won't look down on him but he said i made a big mistake to ask for pastor's counseling and he said i will regret it. that is not how a loving husband respons to his wifes emotional pains. and his dad too, yeled at me for going to pastor. they do not treat me with love. :(

and no i don't have a mother in law...she divorced long time ago

Answer 1

Whew, that sounds rough. I know, I've been there.

But Luke 1:37 says "For nothing is impossible with God." Receive encouragement that the word nothing means exactly that...nothing.

I know that's short and maybe sounds a bit trite where you're sitting right now, but I've seen it first hand in my own marriage of 13 years. But God has turned mine around 180 degrees.

Don't get caught up in the mentality of "one foot out the door" because once you get the divorce mentality, it's inevitable that it will come.

Here's what really helped our marriage. I quit worrying about what my wife was doing or not doing. The Bible told me to love my wife as Christ loved the church; but it did NOT tell me to make sure she was doing what she's supposed to. Prior to that, I loved her based on what she did or how she acted. When I really realized what love was, that it was a choice, no matter what my feelings/emotions were, I was able to focus on only what I could do to love my wife. I started to change, instead of worrying about her changing; handing her over to God daily for Him to work on.

Secondly, change how you react to your husband's criticism and anger. In a loving way, stand up and say that you don't have take what he's dishing out to you, because you are a child of God and are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and God loves you. If you have to, go to another room when he starts in on you. Don't be mean, rude, or angry, just stand up to him in Jesus name and don't participate in the argument, disagreement, etc. Once your reactions change, his responses eventually have to change also, because you're not participating in it the way you used to.

Now I'm not saying any of this is easy, but please realize...God wants you to have a great marriage. But it's work and you can ONLY work on yourself. Don't listen to people that only sympathize with you and tell you to get out. Find some Godly, encouraging Christians that can encourage you with the Word and help you get through it...not out of it.

Answer 2

First of all, being religious is OK but being overly religious and fanatic is not. The church can only teach you so much, but when it comes to your own life, you have to use your own HEAD rather than continue on being a martyr and listen to the influences around you.

The first lesson in life most people need to know is that you cannot force someone to love you. NO amount of prayers, NO endless amount of time spent at church will ever change that. Secondly, you cannot continue to blame yourself. Exercise common sense. The church and the bible can teach you to endure all pain but remember that we have freedom of choice in everything we do. We were given a heart to feel and a mind to THINK. You cannot be brainwashed about everything that other people tell you.

I think you should go into counselling and accept that you are not in a real marriage. Everyone deserves to be happy, you should be, and your husband should also be--if he is not happy with you, WAKE UP. It's not the end of the world. You're better off with him, and he's better off with you.

Answer 3

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Let him know you love him no matter what - money or no money. The best thing you can do is treat him the way the Bible says a wife should treat her husband - with love, respect, honor, etc. Show him you love him through your actions and continue to pray and get your strength from the Lord.
You might also want to ask your pastor if he does counseling and if he does you should consider going - either alone or with your husband.

Answer 4

I just read this to my husband.We talked about it.This is our advice...If your husband is not willing to get counseling(most churches offer free counseling)..You need to go ahead and get out of this marriage NOW.I also understand your christian views of marriage..Once you are in..you believe it is FOREVER.And getting out is hard on you.The reason I know is because my current hubby is hubby#2.....the first one treated me horribly.I struggled for a LONG time about divorcing him.After 10yrs and 2kids.....My own father came to me and said,"Okay,baby,you have done ALL you can...its time to get that divorce." It still took me 2 more years to get it because he would not leave me alone.so..you need to get out NOW....Dont stay if he is not willing to work on the marriage.You do not deserve this,Sweetie.You seem like a fantastic young lady with values and morals.He doesnt appreciate what he has.Also,talk to your family.I am sure you can go home for awhile if you need to.You Take Care..and God Bless!! :)

Answer 5

what you need to do is give him an ultimatum: go to counselling or I'm leaving. either way, you win. if he really cares about you then he will want to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. if he doesn't care, then you are better off just leaving and finding someone else who will love and appreciate you the way you you should be.

Answer 6

You are WAY! too young to contemplate life in a loveless, emotionally abusive marriage. God did not intend for marriage to be like this. If he refuses to go to marriage counselling, and if things don't improve, please leave. I promise that you will find someone who adores you and you will be happy.

Answer 7

If the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Answer 8

so why did you ever marry him?