Need help identifyig my problem?

Question

I don't know why I do this or how to stop. For a few years I have had a very bad habit of writing stinging e-mails & letters to people. They can be friends, family, or just strangers I feel have wronged me somehow. At the time I write these things, they seem to me perfectly appropriate and warranted. Usually, I spend hours composing & editing, almost compulsively, and they are long. I outline in great detail my analysis of what their problems are, as if I have some great insight into human behavior or super intuitiveness.

Once the person gets my correspondence, they usually react with shock & anger. Typically, they will either write back something equally venomous, or they will break ties with me, even if just temporarily. After the fact, I look at what I wrote, think about it, & am horrified by what I've done. Often, I realize as soon as I send that I have done something horrible, then am scared to death to read their response. Sometimes, I never do, and just avoid them. Help!!!

I should add that this is NOT something I have always done. I'm 45, and this only started a few years ago.

I avoid people because I just don't know what to say. I can't explain myself. People usually have seen me as very kind, normal, reasonable. Then this other person appears. Sometimes, I can just look at the person and see that they wonder what happened to me and who they just heard from. It is soooo humiliating. Trust me, if I could stop, I would, but I don't even know when I'm doing it.

Answer 1

Do not do anything while you're feeling angry or hurt. Wait until you've calmed down. And when you do, trust me, you would no longer want to do what you set out to do in the first place. Sometimes when we're so mad, retaliation seems the best thing. But after we've thought things over, we are more unlikely to do something we'd regret afterwards.

Answer 2

What you are doing is really not all that uncommon. You are venting !
I do the same thing myself. It's a way of saying exactly what you are feeling, without being interrupted, as you KNOW you would be if you were to actually confront that person with whatever the problem is. It's a way of digging deep inside and digging up up everything, and getting it ALL said !
There are times though when I have to throw it away, because I know what the outcome will be, which is exactly what you described ( in breaking all ties, which I'm sure is not your intention ).
As far as writing to strangers, I believe that it's simply something that is deeply bothering you, with no specific " target ". You just feel the need to get something off your chest. I do that in the form of poetry. Sounds strange huh? I know! But, those I keep for whatever reasons. I guess just because it's something that comes from my heart, yet, something that I am very upset about, but with no one in particular.
Try this. Continue to write your " stinging letters ". It really IS a type of therapy, and it really does help. But, keep away from sending them via email, especially to those that you really don't WANT to distance yourself from. You've already seen what that can do.
Instead, use your word processor, and keep them in a file. Name the folder " ANGER MANAGEMENT ", or something else that will suit you.
EDIT
After reading your own" edit", it sounds like you may be suffering from depression. I know I am. But there are many medications that can help you.
Maybe it's time you thought about seeing a doctor . Tell him/her about what you just wrote, what you say, how often you do it.
Please leave this kind of problem to a professional, and not some of the whack jobs on Yahoo! Answers.
Good luck, and keep writing!!!!!!

Answer 3

hi there. I understand exactly what you´re experiencing. I´ve been teaching a meditation practice called the Ishaya´s Ascension for many years now, And I have seen this in myself and in others.

It all boils down to listening to the false conclusions that the mind comes to about someone or something. More accurately put, it´s your identification with the mind that causes suffering.

When you see something in someone that needs to be addressed, the less invested you are in making them change or making them hear you the way you want to be heard, the less suffering has a chance to ensue. People respond to giving not critisizing. that includes you. you may respond to this yahoo answer because it was offered, not shoved down your throat.

The coolest thing to do when you realize that you are feeling ¨right¨ about something that you´re saying or writing to someone is to simply notice that. Notice how your initial impulse is to ¨put someone in thier place¨ rather than to give them an opportunity to grow a little. If you can be conscious of your need to be right, it dissolves quite effortlessly. That´s so because Consciousness becomes what it identifies with. If you identify with the thoughts in your head about how right you are that so and so is really messed up, then you become that energy and you write callous and sngry e-mails. however if you choose not to identify with your thoughts (which are almost always self-absorbed thoughts) then you become the peaceful observer inside rather than the chaotic surface chatter of right and wrong. from there, there can be only giving and being real.

I´ts only the identification with mental conclusions that can horribly alter your true desire to connect with these people. Give to them as you would desire to be given to.

Hope this helps you. :)

endless peace,
Baladeva Ishaya

Answer 4

First of all if you have sent a hurtful e-mail you should not avoid the person. Anytime you do something and realize that you are wrong you should apologize and try to make amends. I would suggest that you that you seek counseling. It seems that you have a small problem with anger and need help learning to handle the anger. Good luck.

Answer 5

I guess try to understand that others are usually doing the best they can. They are usually aware of their issues etc. Just try to remember to give people the credit of being equally as intelligent as you and try to enjoy them more as people even though they are flawed.

P.s. Personally I don't think you have any obsessive compulsive disorder... but like Lex said there seems to be an impulse control issue. I personaly think you just haven't noticed the underlying cause driving you??? Just "growing pains" in other words.

Answer 6

It's called lack of impulse control combined with a healthy dose of regret. If you feel that this impedes your social relationships, talk to a counselor who can help with these sorts of problems.

Answer 7

you are wrong first of all never fester anger not allow any thing linger if something bothers you confront it right away!

Answer 8

you do need help darling,sounds like you are a bit schizophrenic. god help you.