It's so hard because people say don't be a "yes" person in my relationship but they also say to pick my fights

Question

...wisely. How do I do both? I feel like if i pick my fights wisely, im being a "yes" person, and if I'm not a yes person then i am not picking my fights wisely and getting mad at my bf about every little thing. HELP!! And please dont just say I need a balance between the two..please explain how??? thanks so much!!

I don't want to be dominant or be dominated!! help please!!

uuugghh!!! I am NOT looking for people to tell me to break up with my bf!!!!!!!!!! thats not in the question at ALLL! ur not helping me at all!

Answer 1

What your friends are trying to tell you is that there's a middle ground between bickering over EVERYTHING and never standing up for yourself. They're just not being very clear about how to find this middle ground -- probably because they may not have figured it out for themselves yet. So first let's look at the two extremes, then at how to find the right balance for YOU.

"Pick your fights" actually means something very much like "don't sweat the small stuff." It means that it isn't worth fighting over every little disagreement that comes up, because if you are willing to break up over (for example) whether the toilet paper should go over the top or the bottom of the roll, then you have nowhere to go if he wants to have a threesome with this hot chick he met at a biker bar. So you don't fight about everything -- you pick the things it's worth fighting about and let the other things go if they don't matter to you.

Get the point? It really means to pick which things are worth fighting about. (As a note: if you fight about EVERYTHING with this boyfriend, you have to ask yourself why you're in the relationship.)

Being a "yes" person means going along with everything even when you don't want to. It's not being a "yes" person if he suggests something you actually like. So if he suggests five things in a row and they're all your favorite things, it's okay to say yes to all of them. It isn't that you're a "yes person," it might be that he's being considerate and picking things you like. You don't have to refuse to go out for ice cream on a hot day just because you've already agreed with the last three things he suggested. Sometimes people suggest things to do together because they are nice to each other. :-)

So, how do you find this middle ground? It's actually simple -- concentrate on the RESULT of the choice, not on whether you think you should pick your fights or not be a yes-person. If your boyfriend suggests something you don't want to do, have or be, ask yourself how important it is to you -- NOT whether you'll be a "yes person" if you agree.

Sometimes it's worth saying "Okay, let's go out for barbecue" when you've been craving Chinese food all day -- but it's good to mention that you've been craving Chinese food all day. (At times like this, I like to make it clear to my wife that I should get Bonus Husband Points for going along with her wishes.) And sometimes it's worth saying no, I will NOT get a pug dog. (Or whatever. Only you can know.)

If you think about yourself, your values, what you want out of life and where this boyfriend fits into that, you'll be a lot better off than if you try to count the number of times you agree and disagree. If you keep your own goals and values in your heart, they'll help you decide when to stand up for what you really value, and when you can let your boyfriend have his way.

As an exercise, go back over the last five disagreements you and your boyfriend have had, and ask which of them was worth fighting about -- not because of some story you have about being a "yes person" or because you felt you had to "pick your fights" to stand up for yourself, but because the result was (or wasn't) something you wanted. Compare the result of the disagreement with your goals and values. Was it worth fighting for? If not, what else could you have done? If so, could you have done it another way? If he suggests this again, what else can you do?

As one final observation -- people often view their relationships not in terms of what THEY want out of life, but in terms of what they think the popular culture EXPECTS them to want out of life. If you find yourself wondering what your goals and values are, that might be an important conversation to have next.

Answer 2

This is a major power struggle between you two. That's why you are mad about every little thing he does. This is not about picking your battles, it's about getting out of it and finding someone you can fight fairly with. He sounds like a major manipulator, you can do better than him.

Answer 3

I really don't understand what's wrong with being a yes person
so long as the yes is not hurting you. And how do one really pick thier fight.......Word! just a lot of talk ...no substance.
just be the best you u can be.if it not a real concern...step back, if it affects the heart then deal with it.....

Answer 4

I think you need to pick better friends,,and maybe a new bf,,, That really cares about you!!!!