got any good marriage jokes?

Question

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 yrs.

Answer 1

* They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense

*It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

* It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers to protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ...... the KAAMWALI

*A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

*What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

* Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

* Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

* Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

* If your wife wants to learn to drive,
don't stand in her way.

Answer 2

Black and White




Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Wedding Rehearsal




During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Answer 3

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Answer 4

All right. This is a versatile joke. It can be a redneck joke or a dirty joke, depending on how you tell it. I'm telling it as a marriage joke.

Pappy Yokum was looking for his son. Li'l Abner (all of nineteen years old). He wasn't in the attic and he wasn't in the outhouse,. Finally, the old man found him-- out behind the woodshed stroking off.

"Dagnabbit, boy!" Pappy said, fetching Li'l Abner a lick across the chops with a convenient pick handle. "You're gettin' too old for that! It's high time you and Dasie May got married up!"

So the wedding day was set and Marryin' Sam showed up, and the bride was wearin' a veil she made herself from an old potato sack. And Dasie May and Li'l Abner got hitched good and proper.

A few weeks later, Pappy Yokum wondered how his son was and decided to go for a visit. But when he went to Li'l Abner's house, he couldn't find the boy anywhere. Pappy looked in the barn and he looked in the henhouse, but there was no sign of Li'l Abner. Finally, hearing some suspicious sounds from the pig sty, Pappy found his son-- choking the chicken.

Consarn it, ya blamed idjit!" he greeted his boy, combing the handsome lad's hair with a convenient two-by-four. "What're you still doin' this for? Why the Sam Hill did you get hitched up to Dasie May...?"

Li'l Abner said, "But Paw! Her poor li'l ol' arm gits SO TIRED...!

Answer 5

i got some quotes:
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America...The rest cheat in Europe."
"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."

funny but true!!!

Answer 6

A new couple are on their Honeymoon with two other couples and they are eating breakfast

and the first husband says past the honey honey

then second husband says past the sugar sugar

then the new husband says past the bacon PIG

Answer 7

The Farmer's Dayvorce



The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, "I want one of them there dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I have 140 acres."

The lawyer said, "No you don't understand. Do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I have a John Deere."

The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yes, that's what I park my John Deere under every night."

The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday."

The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?"

The farmer said, "No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning."

The lawyer said, "Is she a ******?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a ******. That's why I want a dayvorce."

Answer 8

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 9

Good Marriage Jokes

Answer 10

y do married woman marry
2 get divorced