What's the best joke of all time that you've ever heard?

Question

any kind of joke as long as it's funny

jvsconsulting please tell me! i wanna hear somethin funny

Answer 1

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 2

This is the killing joke.

Once, there were two guys who lived in an insane asylum. And they decided they didn't like living in an insane asylum any more, so they wanted to break out.

So that night, they hid in their ward until after 'lights out', and then they sneaked all the way up the stairs to the roof. There, below them, they could see the lights of the city. If only there was some way they could get across the alley, over to the roof of the adjoining building, they could go down the stairs to the street and get out, and they would be free!

So, one of them took a tremendous running jump, and landed on the roof of the adjoining building.

"Come on!" he told his friend "You can do it! It's easy."

But the other guy couldn't jump. He didn't have the nerve.

Then the first guy had an idea. "Wait," he said. "I've got my flashlight in my pocket. I'll turn it on, lay it down on the edge of the roof here, the beam will reach across to the roof you're on, and you can WALK across on the beam!"

And the second guy said, "Do you think I'm CRAZY or something? YOU'D turn it OFF when I was halfway across!"

Answer 3

An officer is looking around a military base in the desert he just took command of. He enters a tent and sees a camel. He asks the private escorting him why would they need a camel with all the military vehicles around. The private turns red and mutters, "Well Sir, some times us men have certain needs...." The officer cuts him off and says, "I do not approve but I will let you keep the camel." One night the officer is feeling a little restless and lonely. He goes in the tent and sees the same private. He drops his pants and goes at the camel hard. When he is done he says to the private with a smug look on his face, "I bet none of you boys ever did her like that." With a look of shock on his face the private says, "No sir. We usually ride her into town and get some hookers."

Answer 4

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."



♥

Answer 5

This is not a joke but will make you laugh as much as a joke. It's really fun! Turn your speakers up!

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1152360540/Dog_Wins_A_Game_Of_Simon_Says

Answer 6

how many letters are in the alphabet?

21
because ET took the UFO and left the earth

Answer 7

How do you know what time is bedtime at Never Land?




When the big hand is on top of the little hand.

Answer 8

The best, funniest joke I ever heard...and I've heard lots of them...is, unfortunately, one I can't tell on here, for fear of offending someone.

But let me tell you, it's hilarious. You'd laugh so hard, you'd wet yourself. I wish I could tell it.

Answer 9

a man walked into a bar



ouch

Answer 10

A black man and a mexican are in a car who is driving?




















The policeman