Is this the right thing to do? paying for my sister in law's kid's daycare ?

Question

We're struggling that's why i cant be a stay at home mom anymore so im going 2 get a job. Problem is that his sis is a free loader.I told my hubby that we're gonna end up paying for her sister's responsibility to pay a babysitter, he said he's willing to do anything he can for his niece if his sister is struggling. He's right partially but she's out of the house living w/bf both work and she goes 2 school. I dont see why we should pay for our niece when she has working parents. My sis in law always claims she's broke thats why she cant pay cellphone,school, babysitter, pampers.baby needs etc. I say her bf needs2 grow sum balls and work harder. my husband says i cant judge them about their money i say they can judge us and pin on us to pay their babysitter. I know this will happen cus she cant even pay me when i watch her kid, much less the new babysitter. and since the kids are goin 2b together w/babysitter i know this will happen he says he is willing 2 pay so they can grow up 2gether

I dont have a problem w/them being 2gether @ the day care. I do have a problem w/irresponsibility and free loading. And I dont want 2b a part of it but my husband doesnt see it, he really thinks that she is broke. I told him they need to set their priorities in their budget. But how do i make him understand?? she's gone too far, doesnt buy pampers, mom pays for cell phone and school, and mom takes care of her kid the whole week night and day , am i the only one who sees she and her bf are not being responsible with her kid at all?I know she's in school and working but thats the price one pays when they have kids at 17. a struggle is what is paid. Am i wrong ?? or stingy? i feel im right.

lol at houstonmom77064 u sound reasonable but not on my story. She doesnt even wash her clothes, her mom does, she wears the same thing everyday too, i mean come on if she doesnt even take her daughter a bath much less will she clean something of mine. I dont need that.. she probably wont do it right anyway. she probably wont do it period.

Answer 1

I honestly don't think you and your husband should be responsible for paying for your SIL and her BF's child's daycare. If you have to go back to work b/c you can't afford to be a SAHM Mom anymore, why should your husband even think you guys can afford to do that? That would be the day that I go to work, leaving my child in someone else's care, to help pay for SOMEONE ELSE'S child to have a babysitter too!!!!! You should figure it out on paper how much it will cost you and your husband to have your child and your niece at the babysitters. Add that up and subtract it from what you'll be bringing home. If you don't have at least a mortgage or rent payment left, you shouldn't even go back to work! It's not worth a couple of hundred dollars to not raise your child. But add your niece's expenses up too, and I'm sure that will put you over the top, as you'll practically be working for nothing.

I'd explain that to your husband, along with the fact that his niece isn't his responsibility. That child's parents need to grow up and take care of their daughter. And while I do think it's very touching that your husband wants your child and his niece to "grow up together", they can do that just fine without going to the same babysitter, especially if you guys are footing the bill.

You didn't say how old your SIL was, but I'm going to assume she's in college, not high school. If she's not paying for her schooling, her daughter's diapers, or her cell phones, just what DOES she spend her money on? Does she work full time? If not, sounds like she'll have to quit school and work full time until her money situation improves. I do think it's great that she wants to "better herself" by going to school, but she has a daughter to think about now. No point in going to get all educated if her daughter pays the price for it now. To not buy your child diapers but have a cell phone is unimaginable to me! It's a total display of selfishness and immaturity. And if you and your husband pay for her child to get a babysitter, you're only teaching her that she can get whatever she wants, whenever she wants it.

Bottom line, you are your husband's WIFE, and your husband should not support his sister to this degree without your consent. Again, if you have to return to work to pay our own bills, you are in no position financially to support ANYONE else. Seems to be like SIL's boyfriend needs a second job. It won't kill him. He needs to provide for his child. I don't understand why your husband says you can't "judge" them about their money situation. Sure, if their home burned down and they just lost everything they owned in that fire or some other natural disaster, that would be one thing. But since that's NOT the case, and they are CREATING their own money problems and being irresponsible and "counting" on you and your husband to save the day; you DO have the right to judge them all you want. It's not fair for you and your husband to be in this position, and whether it's intentional or not, that is where SIL is putting the two of you.

GOOD LUCK! I hope that you and your husband can work this out.

Answer 2

I am sure she is extremely grateful for your help and probably already feels guilty about the fact that she doesn't pay you. The best thing would be to sit down with her and tell her how much you love her and her kids. Tell her that you are happy to help out and you want to make sure that child care isn't a burden for her but you are beginning to feel a financial strain. Talk about what she would be paying if the kids were in daycare and make sure she knows you aren't asking for anything like that, just a small amount to help pay for the food and activities her children are involved in during the week. For 2 days a week I would say that 50-75 a week is reasonable, that is up to you taking into consideration the other bills she has to take care of. Make sure that this is done in a relaxed environment and that she doesn't feel like she is under attack. It is completely fair and you shouldn't feel bad talking to her about it, in this situation you are not the aunt watching the kids for fun you are their childcare provider and that needs to be clear to everyone involved. I hope it works out for you.

Answer 3

how old is she?? she sounds like she's a teenager with mom and bro paying everything for her. You should sit down with her and tell her that you are willing to help her out, but she needs to pay the bulk of the bill. It's not fair that you have to go back to work to support her. She had the baby, she should support it. If not, she should have given it up for adoption. Sit down with her and make a budget with her. Tell her that your husband will give the babysitter a certain amount of money every week, and that she is repsonsible for the rest.

I'd tell her pampers are more important than a cell phone, so she needs to shut it off. You also need to talk to your husband one on one and tell him how you feel about her. If he continues to side with his sister, you will only feel resentment towards her and that will not help anybody.

She needs to grow up. My sister in law has a lot more money that my husband and I do, but I would NEVER ask or think that they should pay for anything to help provide for my kids. Good luck, it sounds like you're going to need it.

Answer 4

That is a very rediculous situation. If you don't have the money to stay home with your kids or pay for somone to watch them, you shouldn't be having kids! It is in no way your responsibility and you should have no part in it. They can go together to the babysitter but explain to the babysitter that she needs to discuss with her what money she expects and if she doesn't pay then she can't watch her kid. They need to figure out their problems and stop taking handouts. I knew a couple that made it last year on 12,000. That's with two adults and a kid. They had no handouts. It's called budgeting your money, and only spending it on needs, no wants. Maybe you and your husband need to sit down with her and have this discussion. Or let them just flail around while the little one suffers.

Answer 5

If everyone keeps enabling her, she will keep taking. There is one thing if you are helping out a family member in a time of need (my brother is just getting divorced and has had his checks garnished for spousal support, so we helped him out by making sure he and his kids had a place to go for dinners) and quite another if the person is a habitual user of people. You should NOT pay for her childcare. You are right... if she is allowed to continue to do this, that is all she will do. You and your husband would be just as guilty of enabling as she would of using. It may be tough (especially since your hubby sounds as if he really cares about his family) but it is to everyone's advantage to help his sister get on her feet and take care of her own business. Perhaps offer to sit down and help her work out a budget for necessities for a month period. Show her where she can cut costs and throw out useless/frivilous items on her list. If she can't afford basic necessities for her child (diapers) then she sure doesn't need a cell phone or cable TV. It is nice that your hubby wants the kids to grow up together, but at the cost of your relationship with his sister (you'll get more resentful of her freeloading- I guarantee it!) You have to stand up and say no to her freeloading. Tell her, I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now, but we dont' have the money to help you out anymore. You can do things that won't cost a lot to help out, like offer dinner once or twice a week, but don't allow her to get away with not paying you for babysitting and such. You only hurt your relationship with her, and fuel feelings of resentment. You can't teach someone to be responsible without giving them responsibility for themselves.

Answer 6

Honestly, it is not your responsibiltiy. However, you husband loves his sister and wants to make it your responsibility. Are you having to work now only because of your sister in laws daycare bill. If that's the case, you could just be her daycare provider. It sounds like it could be more than that.
I believe in helping people learn to fish instead of giving them fish. Some people are too busy saying just give it to me. I don't wanna learn and some people actually think they are learning. Maybe if you try to help them budget. Maybe offer to pay for some financial counceling. Or buy her some cloth diapers. They really are more like disposables now only you wash them yourself. Find out how much they spend on frivolous items. A cell phone is not as important as other things. But it may be a priority in her family. Does she smoke, drink, go out on dates with her boyfriend? Buy fast food for lunch often? All of these things can really add up. Maybe she doesn't see that. Maybe she does and is trying to get what she can. Either way, offer nicely to help her with budgeting and see how willing she is to let you see it. Don't be rude about it, if she actually lets you help.
My sister had this problem only it was a lot worse. She was actually living with my parents. My dad got them a used car and they never paid the payments and got it repo'd which went against my dad's credit. Her husband would actually sit on my parents couch and drink all day. Watch tv or play video games. To this day, whether he has a job or not, he still refuses to watch his kids. My parents finally had to tell them there will be no help what so ever. No babysitting, not living in my house. No monetary support. Nothing. Unless she divorces him even proves it. Because she tried using the i'm leaving him card. But just wanted to get what she could out of my parents. I even loaned them a bunch of money. She kepts saying, I will get it back to you. But never did. It's been many years now. I knew I would never see it when I gave it to her. Some times it takes actually hitting rock bottom to see your problems. It's the digging your way out that makes you learn.

Answer 7

As long as you sister in law is going to school and really trying, don't give her such a hard time about not being able to afford things. Raising children is hard and paying for them is even harder. Sit down personally and have a talk with her. I think she would appreciate that any problems you have with her are handled in a responsible manner. Maybe you guys could work something out for the meantime. Such as if you help her out financially she can maybe clean your house for you guys or some other chore. As for her parents. They don't don't need to be paying for her cellphone, that is a "want" item not a "need".

Answer 8

I'm with you. Your husband should worry about his family (you and his children), not his sister and her child. Struggling in life is what people do...it makes for a stronger more reliable person. Everyone helping her isn't doing a thing to help her...they are enabling her to continue to use everyone. Stand your ground.

For those of you who have your parents taking care of you and your children..grow up. I had a baby at 17, moved out, and raised my kids on my own.

Answer 9

I think you're right to refuse. If your sister in law is really that bad off, perhaps she should seek public assistance. The US Government, for those that are truly impoverished, will provide food for kids, day care expenses, etc. You and your husband should not have to take on that burden.

It sounds to me like your sister in law has it made. Everyone else in her family has to work for what they have and then contribute a portion of it to the sister. As long as everyone is enabling her to sit on her *** (pardon my French), there's no reason why she'd change.

Oh...and a cell phone is a luxury- not a necessity. If she can't afford it, she shouldn't have one.

Answer 10

tell her she needs to go to the county and find out how to get on assisted day care aid. She will most likely end up having a 25-50 dollar co-pay a week versus the full amount a day care would charge. Good luck