Why do parents try to make us do the things they didnt?

Question

My father is on my back all the time about only dating Jewish girls,but he never did my mother is a non-practising Catholic.Im grateful for everything my parents have done for me,but at 24 and working and living on my own when do I stop feeling like I owe them.When can my fathers lectures on everything he has done for me,sttop making me feel guilty?

Answer 1

I'm 34,If you find a way to make it stop....lol...let me know...lol...Seriously I guess we fell like we have to at least listen to them because they really have done so much for us.Even as an adult I want to please my parents.That being said we are adults the choices we make(good or bad) are just that OUR choices.Wow I think I probably helped myself answering this question...hehe..Anyway good luck and stay true to yourself!!!♥

Answer 2

He is after you because his parents were probably at him about the same thing. He didn't honor his parents wishes and probably feels guilty about that and thinks maybe by getting after you that you'll fulfill the wishes of the grandparents that he didn't do and this will make everything alright again and assuage the guilt that he is probably still dealing with this very day although he won't tell you so!
Since you are grown and on your own and living your own life then you and only you have to make a stand and decide that from this point on, no one, absolutely no one is going to make you guilty about all that they have done for you. No one needs to keep on laying a guilt trip on you like you owe them something. You live your own life, make your own decisions and owe your parents nothing but love, honor, and respect. (When I say "honor" here I mean the kind that honors them as parents not the kind where you do their bidding against your will). Once you make that stand and stick by it then in time, you'll stop feeling guilty and be able to be your own man.(They may even respect you for that) Who knows?

Answer 3

My father was the same way, I'm sure mine was even worse. They just care too much. Parents like your father and mine, love us so much, they want everything to be the best for us. They don't really realize how controlling they're being, How much of a negative influence they're having on our lives by trying to make sure we have the best life. I don't know how much influence your mother has over your father. Mine had next to none but my advice is, talk to you mother in private about this. Do it lovingly but honestly. Tell her your true feelings that you have expressed here. Ask her if she might be able to have some influence over your father in understanding you are an adult now, not a child, and that he must understand, your free agency is one of God's highest priorities. That you must be allowed to make your own choices freely without the feelings of guilt your father is placing on you. If your father is at all like mine was, there is no talking to him yourself because it turns into an argument. If it ends up that your mother can not influence him, Just listen kindly and don't let it bother you. just understand why he's doing it and love him for it.

Answer 4

Your dad is only projecting on you what he wished he had done. That is the honest truth. He uses your guilty feelings in an attempt to force you not to make the mistakes he made. It's a harsh reality but true non-the-less.

As an independent adult you must make a conscious effort to withstand the influence of your father as he continues to treat you like a seven year old.

I ran across similar situations with my dad and today at 53 I am still discovering his influences when I come across shortcomings in my own life. Once discovered I can at least confront them on my own terms and execute a change.

Answer 5

You will never stop feeling guilty. Your parents will most likely always have that kind of effect on you because you want to make them happy, make them proud of you.
The only thing I can suggest is that you have a sit down talk with your father and ask him to please stop badgering you about relationships.
That you are a grown man and would like to be able to make your own mistakes and learn from them.

At 45 I still love it when I have my parents approval, that I have made them proud of me.
It is just something that you learn to live with and deal with.
And you learn to let alot of things go in one ear and out the other. Take it all with a grain of salt.

After all how would you feel if they weren't in your life at all? If they didn't care about you? If they could care less what you did or how you lived your life?
There are alot of parents like that.

Just learn to chose your battles with your parents wisely.

Answer 6

You are grown man and you shouldn't let your dad make you feel guilty for wanting to live your life your way. Talk to him, tell him you appreciate everything he's has done for you, but that you need to start making your own decisions when it comes to your life. I would never make my kids feel like they owed me anything, I chose to bring them into this world. Yes I would like to know that they appreciate what I've done for them, but it doesn't mean that they owe me. Your dad will always be there giving you advice, but it's time to step up to the plate and show him you can handle things on your own. Good luck.

Answer 7

First of all. DON'T let your father make you feel guilty. YOU have control over your emotions. You are an adult, make your own choices. You might say to your father "I appreciate your input on this, but it is a decision I have to MAKE ON MY OWN" He might not like it, but he HAS a choice to either accept your decisions or not. He does not have to live with your decisions. It is YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHOICE.
Parents do things for their children, but that does not mean that the "child" had to pay for it the rest of their lives. And they shouldn't be expect to do things to please their parents.
Being a mother, there has been things that mine have done that I didn't like. But the choice was not mine. It was theirs. You can't choose who your adult child dates, or chooses to marry. You show respect for your child, wish him happiness and give him all the love you have.

Answer 8

Part of growing up to be a man is getting to the point when you can respectfully disagree with your parents. Sounds like you aren't quite there. Try telling them that you appreciate their advice and that all the lessons you learned from them growing up will help you to make the right decisions in life BUT that you need to chance to make those decisions on your own.

Answer 9

Have you sat down with your dad and explained to him that you are an adult living on your own? If not, do that. If so, just let it roll off your chest. I know that's hard, but your dad may feel he has your best interests in mind. One thing that us parents forget is that our kids can only learn from their own experiences, not saying that marring of another faith is bad (doesn't really matter to me).

You are a grown man who has the right to be happy on your own terms, even if that means dating, loving, marrying and having children with a (God forbid [pun totally intended]) a Catholic.

Answer 10

I agree with you. Parents really have to work at NOT trying to live their lives through their kids, or to try to make them do the things you wish you would have done differently.

If he wont accept the fact that you are a man and make your own choices, then you have to live with it, or limit your time with him if it is a real issue

Answer 11

Parents always want the best for their children. If you feel like you have no say in your life, then tell him how you feel. You have to understand that he only wants you to have what he didn't and learn from his mistakes. He is just trying to make you a better person.