My sister is in her late thirties with two divorces and several unsuccessful relationships. A few years back she got pregnant in a relationship but the guy left her. She called me and asked me to support her in being a single mom but I refused. I told her that a baby out of wedlock was unacceptable and than she broke up with me for four years. Afetr that she went for some counselling, rehab for alcoholism and i slowly resumed an erelationship with her. I decided to pay her a visit and was very excited about meeting her after such a long time. My parents also has d planned to be there and make it a family reunion but suddenly out of the blue she called it off and told me not to come. Everyone is disappointed. She has lots of grudges against me and still holds them within her. She told me that I am a nasty person and unsupportive and said Goodbye. I am very disheartened. What went wrong is what is bothering me. Is is my fault or is she mentally unstable?
2006-08-13 04:21:25 · 31 answers · asked by woman28 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You sound very nasty. You should have supported her when she needed your help. But instead you chose to flaunt your high-and-mighty morals and make her feel like an outcast. Shame on you.
2006-08-13 04:24:29 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 9⤊ 1⤋
Well, first of all it's your fault. Like everyone else has said, you should have supported her. She's your sister for gods sake. Besides, it looks like you turned your back on her at the very time she needed you. If she is a recovering alcoholic, then she is working on getting a bunch of her personal crap together. She is probably doing 12 step, which is the best program out there. In this program, she has to repair all the relationships she's damaged. That is a huge undertaking, and something she might not have even come to yet. To add the burden of repairing relationships that she didn't damage is probably too much to ask, and may send her back to drinking. Don't mess her life up more and pressure her into forgiving you if she's not ready. This will only satisfy your needs, while causing added emotional damage to your sister. Let her be. You had your chance and you blew it.
2006-08-13 04:53:21 · answer #2 · answered by bigchin 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry, but it is unacceptable that you not help your family when she needed you most. You may have disagreed with her on principles, however that is what family is for: to be the safety net when things go wrong.
We all make mistakes, and we all need someplace where we can go to and recuperate and get back on the horse. In this case you refused to be the safe place for your sister despite the fact that she was your family.
It seems to me that you are a very domineering person with the my way or the highway attitude. And god forbid if someone takes the highway, you start bad-mouthing that person and calling them names such as "mentally unstable" -- that is definately not good for your sisters self esteem. So why should it surprise you that you dont have the greatest of relationships with her.
There are other ways to let the other person know that you disapprove than to not help someone when they need you the most. You are in the wrong. I think it is a huge step for your sister to even think of forgiving you, so please don't call her mentally unstable to disrespect her more than you already have.
2006-08-13 04:39:53 · answer #3 · answered by kp 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My theory is if you don't have family who do you have? Every family has it's own problems alcohol, drugs, or other things. Family should be there no matter what. Are you without sin? I don't think anyone is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. I think she had or has a right to be upset. Love should be unconditional. Just think of the years you'll never get to see your niece or nephew because you thought it was unacceptable. A life is precious it shouldn't be judged on if you think it's right or wrong. Think if the situation was reversed how you would feel being abandoned by your own flesh and blood. I don't agree with you decision but you can't change it now. All you can try to do now is make a wrong right. And try to make up.
2006-08-13 05:06:23 · answer #4 · answered by Sadie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
she probly feels that when she needed you the most you wasnt there to support her,familys should stick together whatever your beliefs.it wasnt her fault she became a single mum and had no were else to turn but to you,you pushed her away and she had all reason from then on to act how she has.things happen in life that can be out of peoples control but the family should be ther when needen.if you really want to make up with your sister first you need to realise were you went wrong,exept the fact you should of helped when she was at her lowest,then if you can do that,try making it up to your sister.explain your reasons were wrong and you ask for forgivness.thats the only thing you can do to get your sister back.anything else will always fail and the subject will never be at rest.she is your family.well done for her to be getting well and maybe she has realised that meeting with the person that once let her down would be too hard.you should be proud of what she has done to help herself and be there for her and show her that you care.all the best
2006-08-13 04:38:40 · answer #5 · answered by sammydeea 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
We do not turn our backs on people we love. All of us are human and make mistakes. I hope you can realize your mistake and apologize to her. And to God. After being disappointed so many times with your sister, I can understand your hesitance in believing that she screwed up. But, you are both adults. I am proud she has changed her life around. She turned so many negatives into positives. You do sound selffish. You only mentioned that you were happy that you would be reunited. Have you not even wondered about your neice/nephew? Wake up and realize it isn't all about you. Eventually she will forgive you, because she can't go on forever with the hate in her heart. It will benefit her to forgive you. But you have to realize how bad you hurt her. You know the hormones that go through your body when you are pregnant. SHE NEEDED YOU!!! This isn't over. You two will always be sisters. Probably never close, but anything is possible. Once you truely feel sorry for the things you said and did, then sit down and write her a letter. You will both be in my prayers.
2006-08-13 04:36:35 · answer #6 · answered by jennifer c 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The bottom line in this is that you were NOT there for her when she needed you the most. When she came to you and asked for your support and help, what did you do?? You criticized her and told her that she was "unacceptable". And you definitely WERE unsupportive. You said so yourself! Why do you seem to feel that she OWES you something after you treated her the way that you did? I mean...THIS WAS YOUR SISTER that came to you for help and support, and that was more than you could do for her.
Now she has sobered up and her life is getting straightened out, and it may well be that her family had alot to do with why she drank in the first place. You (and your family) might be a danger to her sobriety, with your judgmental attitudes. Are you perfect? Have you ever made mistakes? Some peolpe's mistakes are bigger than others...but we all make them. Judging others is one of them!
As for her grudges...she will have to deal with these on her own, because that could endanger her sobriety, as well. Perhaps she has already done this, and that is why she called to meet up with you in the first place. However, getting rid of these does not, necessarily, mean that she will ever want to have anything to do with the "family" that turned their backs on her when she needed help. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Also she may have great concerns about they way that her "family" may treat her child.
And, as for her mental "stability", I think it sounds like she may have a better grasp of that than you do! Alot of women have childern out of wedlock...and I'm not saying that is is the best thing to do...but you are the one who pushed her out of your life with your response to her. You made the bed in which you now lay. This was YOUR choice.
In my opinion, with a family like that...she is probably better off staying away! The "family" unit is probably alot sicker than she is.
2006-08-13 04:42:05 · answer #7 · answered by Oblivia 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You never should of told her you didn't support her in having a child out of wedlock. You should of stood by her and gave her the support she needed. would you of rather her married the babies dad and then divorced? It seems like she has been through alot in her life, could some of it be since you were supportive of her decisions in life? Maybe you should write her and let her know you were wrong and when she is able and ready you will be there to talk and listen. good luck.
2006-08-13 04:46:11 · answer #8 · answered by Anna Z 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What went wrong is she is your sister and you should have supported her from the beginning. If she was going to be a single mom it might not be the right thing but some people make bad choices in life. Family is suppose to stand behind you 100%.
So if you couldnt support your sister and her decisions I see why she had grudges. If you were my sister I would have a grudge to. All she asked is for you to support her and that is what family is about is to be there for family..
2006-08-13 04:31:04 · answer #9 · answered by catherine b 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
I think it is a little of both. Your sister has gone through a lot and is probably hurt of seeing people treating her like she does not matter. But seeing as how you were the one who did not help her when she needs you the most is probably the reason she does not want to see you anymore. This is going to sound harsh but you were in fact 'nasty' and 'unsupportive'. You should never have stuck your morals in her face when she knows what happened was wrong. Would you have wanted your sister to have an abortion instead? I think your sister has every right to cut off your relationship.
If you want to try to continue a relationship with her you have to show her you are willing to help her out through her situations. Trying talk to your parents and see what they can say to her and give you a chance.
2006-08-13 04:30:03 · answer #10 · answered by alienhumanhybrid 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Write you sister a letter. (Snail mail---not email)
In it, let her know how you truely feel. Write about the past and what you'd like to see for the future.
Be honest. If a relationship between the two of you will work, you both have to embrace it. Rather than telling her what you think she wants to hear, tell her how you really feel. She's your sister. Sisters should be able to say it like it is.
Others here have condemed you for your unacceptance of your sister's behavior. How WE feel doesn't matter. You are you and your sister is who she is.
I know you think your sister has made mistakes. Do you feel YOU have made mistakes (in your relationship with your sister) too? If so tell her. If not tell her WHY you think this way. Are you simply opposed to pregnancies out of wedlock? Is that why you weren't there for her? Or, if your sister's life was otherwise stable, would you have accepted the situation? Are you frustrated at your sisters life decisions? Did you want better for her. Is your frustration with her choices the reason you have turned from her?
You need to be honest with yourself, as well. If you really feel you cannot accept your sister "as-is, warts and all", she may be better off without you in her day-to-day life. Your description of her makes her sound to me like she needs to develope her self confidence and someone judging and condemming her will probably only make her feel worse.
Likewise, if your own values in life have no room for someone with her lifestyle, you may be better off without her.
Either way, it would be nice if the two of you could at least remain cordial and keep in touch on occasion.
Maybe your sister and you need to define the relationship TOGETHER. Perhaps the two of you could get professional counceling, as well.
Good luck. I wish I had a sister.
I've listed a Google.com search for "adult sibling rivalry"
2006-08-13 04:58:23 · answer #11 · answered by Yinzer from Sixburgh 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋