Needing help with my 12 yr old son..?

Question

* first off serious replies only!! dont reply with hatful or rude comments if you do i will report you. Like i said serious replies only*

My son is 12...he has an email account. (this is to keep in contact with him friends that moved out of state--cheaper than a phone call) But i found some emails from differ girls. Ok everyone is telling me hes 12 fixen to be 13 next year..and sex is coming into play now. My problem is...i still see him as my little boy...not a son who is taller than me...growing a mustache. These emails are him asking them to be his girfriend...and they are saying "i love you"..and one comment he made was "i hope this is a banana in my pants since i love you so much"..ok now im panicking LoL.
My family, my friends keeps telling me that..this is normal..hes going thru puberty entering the 7th grade.
I just dont want to let go of my little son..and realize hes a grown boy
please help on some advice...i feel like a crappy parent due to im on here asking for help

Ok...its in the deal of me setting up his email...that i can have use of it as well.
So he knows i am reading them.
So trust me i am big on privacy issue....

Answer 1

you're not a crappy parent, you're a concerned one.
boy is it ever hard to let your babies grow up and they seem to grow up far too soon.

this is pretty normal as is looking at porn on the sly.
most times these letters don't really mean what they say in a litteral sense. they are all experimenting with the physical feelings they have at this age and would love to make all the other kids believe they know everything about sex and dating. (so as not to appear silly or stupid)

as a mother you need to make sure he knows how serious sex and it's ramifications are. he needs to be ready to handle it when it comes and know that you will be there to answer any question he may have without judgement.

good luck hon.

by the way, i disagree with giving children full and total privacy. though i agree that they should be able to maintain thier own space and not have it invaded - as a parent you understand when something is not right with your child and as long as the child is in your care, you have the right to search for answers whereever you think you may find them. this isn't considered an invasion of privacy, it's considered a saving of a life.

Answer 2

Ok, I'll wade in to venture some manly advice.

Would you like to raise a child or an adult?

There is a time for everything, and talking of such things is age appropriate. The banana comment is not an unusual test or tease.

You cannot control his every thought, word and deed until he is safely ensconced in his career. It is normal to flirt with young women at that age; it is how young people develop their personalities.

He does need more room. I am unsure you should be reading his emails, unless that was part of the original deal. If you try to control him, his communication techniques, or his friends, he WILL game you. Young people game one another all the time for dominance in the school pecking order. Young people practice it every day, and are far better prepared to engage you in this challenge. They will almost assuredly win, because they are in practice, and it is their battleground, and they are very motivated.

Following through, at that age, is a legitimate matter of concern, but you didn't need to watch him so closely to know that he is interested in sex at age 13. Children are far less sexually active today than thirty or forty years ago(It peaked in 1972), although they are far more comfortable talking and joking about sex. Especially if they think it will freak the parents. I can almost guarantee you that the banana comment was directed to cause you to retreat.

Even though he has a moustache, or the startings thereof, does not make him a grown boy; it makes him a growing young man, or an adolescent.

It is time to have the talk. Bring in elements of responsibility.

Birth control is fairly effective both as birth control and as disease prevention, but the B/C effectiveness is less than 95 percent, which places the failure rate at 5 percent when condoms and pills are combined.

Are you ready to be a grandmother? Is he, or any of these young girls ready to be parents? Probably not. Which is why it is so important to have the talk, and even work in an opening for planning for his future. Eventually, he may have a family, and it would be nice if he could provide a very nice income to provide a nice, safe, secure and comfortable life. Don't expect a 13 year old to readily accept the responsibility of choosing a career, but at least plant the seed of adult responsibilities and opportunities in his brain.

Try to raise a man.

Good luck to you


Addendum: OK, I read your response and am good with the email being part of the original deal. Unfortunately I am being called away right now. I will check back later tonight.

Addendum 2: I have just awoken from the results of my debilitating medical treatment, and will further address this after the coffee fully kicks in. After midnight cst.

Qualifications: I have worked with youth groups(volunteer) since 1970. Got lots of plaques and honors and awards and proclamations and stuff; supposedly even nominated for a MacArthur, but that was for administrative and organizational development work. I have directly influenced hundreds of young people from ages 12-21.

Answer 3

Welcome to the world of young men. Yes, your son is growing up fast. So far, everything you wrote sounds normal. However, two possibilities can occur....and which way it goes is up to you. First, you can be a supportive, open mother that can steer him into the right direction, even while he is maturing. This will require you to make sure you give him privacy, talk to him ALL THE TIME about sex and feelings and girls and whatever morals you want to instill in him. It requires you to be open and honest and not to freak out everytime you learn something new from him. You have to talk to him about the birds and the bees. You have to talk about masturbation. You have to tell him that those things are ok but they have their time and place to occur. If you constantly talk to him about it, he will eventually realize that you are cool and he will open up to you and confide in you about everything. However, the other option, if you chose to go this way, is different. If you get upset and take away the email accounts and snoop without giving him some trust; if you don't constantly talk to him about the above mentioned things, he will learn them from someone else. Right now he does his email romances from home. If you take it away he will find somewhere else to meet the girls in person, and get in too far too quick. If you scare him away and he feels like you don't trust him or that you snoop or that you think he's a little boy, you will lose him for years. The ball is in your court. If you want to know more, contact me. Most of all, love him and be polite. Good Luck

Answer 4

Don't feel bad about asking. My parents recently went through this with their son, and it just takes an open relationship between you and your son to make it through this time. When the both of you are in a relaxed setting, talk to him about your concerns with the girls emailing him. You might find out that he doesn't like it either and is embarrassed by it. Just be open and don't jump all over him, regardless of what he says. That will close up the communication for sure. Because my parents handled their situation in this way they have a great, open relationship with my brother. He's 16 now and doing great and goes to them whenever he has a problem.

Answer 5

First of all children seldom ask there parents this kind of stuff.. See becaused there canfused too.. It is a natural thing though.. They just feel more confofbable asking people in there on age group.. Which could turn out bad.. With wrong answers but seldom does.. the best thing you can do is kinda hint about these things.. Keep an open mind ( things have changed since you were his age) and just let him know that your there for him. Let him know that there is no stupid questions and you want be judgemental. Remind him you to were young once.. Also alot of these online chats are just role playing with no real out come.. I hope this helps..

Dave :)

Answer 6

I think maybe that you should speak to him , about the fact , that he is getting emails from a number of girls , and that the content could be a little bit on the sexual side.

However I also believe that you have to give him respect, that yes he is only 12 , but he is going to be going through puberty very soon .
Just so long as he doenst go and start staying over night at girls places, whats wrong with just typing to them on the internet.

He has to grow up sooner or later, and at least he is at home , and not gone off .

Answer 7

I'm a mother myself with a 10 yrs old son and a 5 yrs old daughter.

Sometimes I treat my son as if he's only 5 and treat my daughter as if she's older than my son. I love my son very much. Like your son, he has an e-mail of his own so he can e-mail his aunts who lives overseas. I set up his e-mail and I do read his mails. Luckily for me, no e-mails from girls yet.
What I'm scared about actually are the people who preys on youngsters like our children. So, the privacy issue here is on the balance. I just check his mail, see who it came from, if there is a strange e-mail address in the in-box, i open the mail. If it's from his aunt, dad or from some of his club, i leave him to open it.
You are right to panic when an e-mail such as a "banana in my pants" thing. Is it really from girls or from people who preys on kids?
Yes, sometimes it's hard to let go. Even my son said he's old enough, why don't I treat him as one. I told him to show me that he's mature enough and I'll treat him as a mature individual. Be childish, and he'll be treated as a child.
Give your son a chance to show he's a matured individual, but always be there for him when he needs you. Open the communication channel.

Answer 8

I hope your son does not have a computer in his bedroom, because that is playing with fire. Make sure your son is involved in lots of other activities to limit the time he spends online. At his age, he is experimenting with talking to girls, but I know from experience that teenage girls today are VERY VERY aggressive. He may get in over his head & not realize it. Let him know that if he ever gets into a situation where someone (anyone) is pressuring him to do something he's not ready for, that he can make you the "bad guy," as in "My mom won't let me."

Don't worry, you may "lose" your son for a little while as he starts dating, but he will never forget that you're his mom & he loves you. He just may have funny ways of showing it.

Answer 9

Please let him grow up. If not he will depend on you for the rest of his life. He is going through a normal stage in his life right know. I know cause I have a 12 yr old cousin(female) and she is going through the same thing. Just talk with him about g/f and sex. Also give him a little privacy, if not he will not have trust in you.

Answer 10

No, you are not a crappy parent. Like me with my 15 year old, you're still trying to figure out where your baby went, and how come they're getting older but we're not! I wouldn't worry too much about this, but I would take opportunities to comment about how men/boys should treat women/girls. Don't overdo it, but if you're watching tv and some man does something rude or crude, casually say, I don't think that's the way he should treat or talk to someone he cares about. Be cool and casual about it. Reinforce the positive as well. And it's not too early to have the condom talk. We don't want them to have sex, but if they're going to, they're going to, and I'd much rather mine know about protection since there's not much I can do to prevent it. It may be early, but if you start talking about it now, and take opportunities to reinforce it, he'll be comfortable talking to you about it. Be cool, be casual, try not to appear uncomfortable, and be open. Our boys are growing up.