A man lost his eye in the war, and, this being the good ole' days, recieved a fake eye made out of wood. His wooden eye weighed deeply on his self-esteem, and it had been a long time since he had a date. He went to the bar every night, though most nights he ended up hiding away in the corner, drinking away his misery. His wooden eye was indeed a curse!
Then one night, he noticed a beautiful girl who was also lurking behind the scenes. And then he realized why. The girl had lost her leg and now had a wooden leg, which too, was affecting her self-esteem. His face lit up. Finally, someone like him! He approached the girl, who had been waiting for this moment for years, and said:
"Would you like to dance?"
"WOULD I?" she exclaimed happily. "WOULD I?!?"
Astonished and hurt, he shot back,
"PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"
Haha. sorry bout that. That's probably the best and worst joke I've heard. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm out!
But if you have any lame jokes, lay 'em on me!"
2006-08-12 23:30:21 · 16 answers · asked by ear help! 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
2006-08-13 21:02:51 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A guy invites his buddy over so that he can see his new car (we'll just say it's a BMW M3 because I want one of those). When his friend arrives (in a Ford Escort), he appears unimpressed with his friend's new vehicle. "What's up? You don't like the color, the rims, what?" M3 owner asks.
"Oh no, it's cool," Escort owner says. "But man, I don't just have this piece of crap, I have 3 other cars at my disposal. With drivers!"
"What are they?"
"Well, when I've been partying all night, I usually leave the party in a black and white car. But sometimes, if the party's really wild, I'll do the red and white car. I reserve the yellow car for traveling."
2006-08-13 01:24:01 · answer #2 · answered by kittykorruption 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
2006-08-13 05:27:31 · answer #3 · answered by lovers fool 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hears a lame joke what happened to the pee when it fell in the red sea ?
scroll down
a little more
almost there
it got wet is that lame or is that lame I know ! it's lame
2006-08-13 08:54:28 · answer #4 · answered by Anime_Chickadee ^.^ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you want a lame joke look in the mirror
2006-08-12 23:35:22 · answer #5 · answered by mr. Bob 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Old joke..
My dad told that to me YEARS ago..
We call that joke a 'Mailman' joke, since he worked at the Post Office...
2006-08-12 23:33:53 · answer #6 · answered by pitbullcopper2004 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Took me a while to get it, duh!
How about: Man walks into a bar, says "Ow!" *giggle*
2006-08-13 09:16:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's what you call a joke?!?!?!
Well it's not a joke, it's an insult to all the other jokes out there!
2006-08-13 01:19:58 · answer #8 · answered by happy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
LOL. Sad, and funny. LOL.
Have a good Sunday.
2006-08-13 02:10:31 · answer #9 · answered by jfmm 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Turn your speakers up and get ready to laugh!!
http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1152360540/Dog_Wins_A_Game_Of_Simon_Says
2006-08-13 10:58:52 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋