what should I do about sex?

Question

I am in the process of an Orthodox conversion. I made a vow last year that I would not touch a guy before marriage, besides maybe hand holding. Sex really confuses me. I have had sex before, and I was sexually abused as a child. I figured the best way to have a healthy sex life is to not have sex again until I am married.

I went to a YJAM shabbat get together yesterday. I found out that my vows are eaisier said than done. I noticed a pattern in myself that may have something to do with being sexually abused. When a cute guy talks to me, I notice myself throwing myself at him, figuratively speaking. Yesterday I didn't realize I was flirting until after the fact. This guy was talking to me, and he was soooo attractive.... I started to have naughty thoughts. I am glad I didn't touch him, and I'm glad I decided to go home after I realized I had been flirting. But the way I acted really scared me. It seems that the only way I can relate to guys is by sex.

I am afraid I will seem boring when I talk to a guy, so to me, sex is a way to keep from talking. If the cute guy I talked to yesterday would have walked me home, I'm sure I would have done something I would have regretted. I crave afection so badly, because my parents were abusive and I didn't get hugs growing up. What should I do? How do I get the affection I need without breaking the promises I made to myself and G-d? Will I ever get enough affection and attention to satisfy me? How do I control my urges better, so that I am not five seconds away from sleeping with any guy who is nice to me?

Answer 1

Have you gone through counseling b/c of your past abuse? That's the first thing I'd recommend, if you haven't. You have feelings you're not able to deal with.

What you are doing is "natural", considering your past.

You've made a vow with good intentions, which tells me you do want to stay focused on the right thing to do.

To keep the vow and stay true to yourself, will require much self-control, pertistence, dedication and hard work.

I commend you on your goal and morals.

Relationships are based on so much more than sex. You WILL find a good guy who is patient and kind and is willing to stand by your beliefs. You just have to stand your ground and be brave and realize that if he's not willing to wait, he's not the guy for you!

If you have had counseling, you'll need to consider more b/c you are recognizing the signs that you need help with your situation.

GOOD LUCK and I hope I've helped you!

Answer 2

When I was young I thought sex was how to show your love. As a child I too was sexually abused several times. My dad never really showed us kids love. So I guess i was more or less looking for a father figure. As far as saving yourself for marriage I think that is wonderful. It is also the right thing to do. God said it is wrong to have sex out side of marriage. So be strong. There is nothing wrong with looking guys. Even flirting if you don't take it too far. Unless you have a boy friend of course. Then you must be faithful at all times.

Answer 3

Dont worry about those feelings, they are normal. But yes dont have any sex before marriage, you will only reap the whirlwind! I led a sexually promiscuous life and in the end it is empty and a lie from the devil, to pervert what God meant for blessing under wed lock! Don't let the devil rob you of this!

Answer 4

this is a very sensetive question i would wait till marriage suz of the STDs but i guess u can do what ever u want do it when u want how u want why u want i think u get the drift so u can fill in any thing that i have left out and i am very sorry that u were sexually abused as a child

Answer 5

sometimes sexually abused females do in fact " throw" themselves at guys...because sex is the only way they have related to men..there are also some self esteem issues that get thrown into play.. you should really seek counseling from a professional ..i commend you on your choice to steer toward a healthy sex life by practicing abstinence.... but honestly i think you may have problems doing that until you get some real help

Answer 6

do it. sorry about ur bad experience being abused an all but that shouldn't shy u away from a healthy thing called sex. if u are attracted to the guy then touch w/e and if the only way u relate to guys and u like it like that then do them.

Answer 7

You basically answered your own question. You know where the feelings are coming from- whether it's from a good experience or not, you body is going to respond. Talk to a therapist - who you are comfortable with- who will help you acknowledge the feelings and work your way through them. Good luck. Once you've experienced sex, it's hard to say no.

Answer 8

Realization of how you do what you do is the start to helping yourself transcend your dilemma. Open yourself up to guys just experiencing them like it was your first time. Your past experiences of guys come up when you come into contact with them and that gets in the way of you experiencing what is truly taking place here and now. Allow your experiences to be there but just remain open and allow what comes to come, this way you're not consumed by your past experiences and you're able to finally see just what guys are: just people.

Answer 9

Step 1 dont flirt
step 2 just follow your heart
Step 3 do it safe if you are
Step 4 hope you are over 18

Answer 10

while i sympathize with your wanting to abstain from sex until marriage, you need to talk to a therapist about the abuse. such a thing can and will prevent any kind of relationship from being what you should have. the trauma of the abuse, and your inability to deal with it then, as now, must be addressed. a therapist will help you deal with it and make it possible to for you to have a fulfilling relationship.