What do you do when a child picks the other parent to live with?

Question

I divorced 6 years ago and have an unusual custody arrangement. We split them. I have them one week, he has them the next. They have 2 homes in the same city. The children are 16 yr old Girl, 13 yr old Girl , & 9 yr old Boy. The 16 year old decided 2 years ago to live exclusively with me because of a bad fight with her Dad, but just recently my youngest daughter the13 yr old just ups and decides to live with her Dad. With no explanation, nothing happened, she just said..."I want to live with Dad." I was very very upset and hurt, but we haven't really "TALKED" about this. We are pretty close. I just don't know what to do, or how to react, or talk about it. HELP!

I want to let everyone know that my X and I are very good friends and I like and respect him a lot. This is not about me not wanting my kids to see him, I do and always will want them to have a relationship with him.
Secondly, when she told me, This was my comment "If you truly want to live with Just your Dad and not travel between us, then that's exactly what I want you to do. I will miss you a lot and expect to see you often, but all I want is for you to be happy." Now, I was absolutely just dying inside, but I still want what's best for my kids!

Answer 1

Children grow up and become adults like all of us. They want to make decisions, like we do. When the 16 years old decided to live exclusively with you, you must have rejoiced inwardly and it is human nature to do it. Since you haven't talked about the future, either of you should ideally accept the things as they come. Wasn't that the original thought when you decided to let things go without putting any barricades and limits? And believe me you guys did the right thing for the kid. Except that it is normal nature that instead of 'two homes' a growing child most of the times wants and yearns for one home. Oneness is so natural to all of us. You have all the reasons in the world to get upset about the latest decision made by the 13 years old but please remember that there is nothing in this world which can unmake the relationship, you will stay her parent. Let go and you will see how quickly the child will resort back to find the maternal love. I am a dad myself and no matter what a dad does, he can never become a mom. Please be patient and don't let your anger (justified) and resentment show. It will create a gulf between you guys which is usually dilated with the passage of time. And please remember this is no war. Kids are to be loved by both parents and no matter who keeps them we as parents must find solace in their happiness. Isn't that what the parenthood is all about after all.

Answer 2

First take a deep breath and calm down. Then talk to your daughter and tell her if this is what she truely wants you won't stand in her way but you would like to know what made her come to that conclusion and if you have done something like a chance to fix it. Chances are it is nothing you did she is just a hormonal teenage girl and right now this is what she thinks she wants. Also remember that she is in the middle which is not always a good thing. She sees her older sister doing things she wants to and isn't old enough for in your eyes and then she sees her little brother who is the baby geting by with something. She might just feel that she would get more attention or freedom at dad's. After you calm down and can talk without getting as upset go to her and talk and also talk to your ex and see if she has said anything to him then the three of you sit down together and figure it out and if she really wants to go then let her and make arrangements to spend as much time with her as you can.

Answer 3

first don't take it personally if there is absoultly nothing that has went on between you two. second maybe it an't you maybe her sister? third don't worry to much about it. yea you gave birth to her and all but teens sometime don't look at it that way. i'm sure your daughter has a good reason for what she did. and just let her be and let her come to you when she wants and let her stay as long. don't put limits or times. i went thou a thing kind of like yours but i was 15 yr old teen last yr. but mine had to deal with the past and there was some seriours stuff going on but i promise girl it'll all work out she will one day may be not now or even this yr but sometime in her life that she needs her mommy and will come back some how

Answer 4

You said the right thing to your daughter. It is hard to say why she wanted to live with her dad, but it probably doesn't have anything to do with how she feels about you. I think at certain ages the kids get tired of going back and forth.

You and your ex are doing the best for your kids. Try not worry about it. Divorce is hard and it seems as if you and your ex are doing a great job.

Good luck.

Answer 5

He is their father as much as you are their mother. They have a birth given right to be with what ever parent they chose. Why are your feelings hurt. The child loves her father and that is ok. After she tries it out for a while she will probably return unless, you are a hard person to live with. As long as she still visits with you everything is ok just don't pressure her either way. She is probably upset with you about something and it doesn't sound like you are pretty close... but then their comes a time in their teen years when they want to be independent of you... take that into considerarion also...

Answer 6

If you want time with your younger girl, make sure your ex gets some time with his older daughter, too. One chose you, the other chose him. If you want to play "fair" then he needs to have time with all his kids, too.

There might be things you don't know about contributing to the situation. Maybe for some reason she doesn't feel safe at your house? Maybe the dad gives her special priveleges? I know that as the daughter of two divorced parents, my dad was always trying to win me over. Special gifts, fun outings, stuff like that, all the time.

If that's the case, let her. Let her go live with her dad all the time, and soon she'll see it's not so easy.

Answer 7

Id tell her to go ahead, and hope for the best. Assure her that if she changes her mind, she and ALL of them are ALWAYS welcome back to live with you. It's ok to tell them that you do not like that idea but your going to go ahead and let them try it and see if it's what they really want! That way, they will know you are trusting and respecting their desires and feelings and know you will always be there for them. For your sake, I hope they come back if and after they move with their dad cause there is NOT A person in this world that is better then a "mommy".

I have an 8 yr old daughter living with her dad since 10 months old but now she wants to live with me but she just still not old enough to have the privilege to make those types of decisions....she cannot wait until she turns of age (about 12) so she can have her say where she wants to live. I have assured her that if (and when...hehe..I hope, i hope) she lives with me then she will still be able to see her dad. Don't know where she got the idea that she would never see him again...I smiled at her and said. "of course you can still go see your dad". (*GRINDS TEETH) and that made her feel better.
I hope this helped. Best wishes and prayer go out to you and your family! ~ Carla

Answer 8

She is a teenager now. She may want to sow her wild oats. You probably have ground rules and dad may not be that strict. Stick to your rules. If she gets upset, so what. You can save her from a lot of heartache in a long run. Neither can see it now. Reflect on how your 16 year old responded to Dad and remember what happened then to resolve that anger. Well be tough and hold out. It will not be long they will be adults.

Answer 9

DO NOT take it personally first off. And talk with you're children, it might be they just have friends over there, they feel sorry for him because you re other daughter left and he is alone, it might be that they have more freedom, it might be something so simple you wouldn't even guess. My parents were divorced and custody went back and forth, and the reasons that my brother picked my dad were so frivolous so you never know, ask, and don't take it personally.

Answer 10

Let her! It will give some time out from you and allow to see who she truly rather live with. Don't take it personally. Ask her why if you can and if you do let her go make sure you tell her that its her decision and you are letting her make it ( that way she wont feel like you are getting rid of her). Also let her know she can come back with you when ever she wants.