Help me please! Serious help needed!?

Question

My ex husband shows up in my city today (he lives over 1,000 miles away) and announces that he wants to get custody of my daughter. She is 6.5 years old, and always lived with me. My husband adopted her when she was 2.5 years old as her real father never paid support, visitations, and no contact. The real father has seen her maybe 30 times since she was born. The longest time he ever spent with her was maybe 10 hours. He is on his second marriage since we divorced almost 7 years ago. He also moves around quite a bit. He is telling me that his lawyer found a loop hole in the adoption and that he can fight to get her back. What will a judge look at when deciding custody between us? What things are positive/negative marks on either side for custody? My ex just fought for custody of his older son (from another woman) and won back in May of this year. I am so worried and want to make sure that she stays with me because of the type of person he is, (and he hasn't changed at all).

Since my daughter has been born we have only lived in two places, one was my mother's and the other one is the place we live now. Just my husband, our daughter, our dog, our goldfish, and myself live there. I have been working since before my daughter is born, except when I was injured from a car accident and in a wheel chair. My husband was a stay at home dad until she finished kindergarten, and now works 3/4 time. My daughter wears nice clothes, into many activites, and has been going to the same doctors, dentist, and church from the time she was born. Should I also get character witnesses ready for this mud slinging contest? He has a really good lawyer who is known for not losing.

He is behind on the support he owed from the time that she did belong to him. He does not have a job, and recieves SSI. He said that he is going to use that against me because I work leaving my daughter with my mother because my husband and I both work midnights.

Answer 1

Well she is not his daughter for one.....two, what does she say when you ask her if she'd like to live with him..without you? She isnt that old but judges do listen to the child too, they may not make it a big part of his/her decision process though. You're daughter will probably end up having a guardian at litem, a lawyer for the child who views every aspect of her life,school,friends,close family,daycare/babysitters and of course what she wants, they may also observe her and you in a room to see how close the child is to you (emotionally,mentally) and how she reacts with you, they'll also do the same with her and him. Then ask your daughter questions about you,what she likes about you and what she dislikes about you, and do the same with you're ex. You need to find a lawyer ASAP who deals with family law, you also need to find out about the family laws in your state.
The fact that he doesnt keep a "stable" life will not look good for him...of course he's going to be told by a lawyer that he has a chance...he's going to get paid no matter what happens.He has also been married before. No judge will take a child out of his/her natural surroundings and definately not take her from the parent she's always been with, it is very hard for a child to deal with change..and this would be a major change in her life, possibly cause problems mentally, a judge will not take her from the life she's used to,especially if it's a good life. You've done everything for her in life, I don't personally think that you're ex wont get her...she's not even his daughter.
I'm having a hard time with my ex right now...I went on Amazon.com and bought a book called The Child Custody Book (how to protect your children and win your case) By Judge James W. Stewart, it was only $7 used and it has a ton of information in it, about what really happens in child custody litigation, what to expect at each stage, how courts make custody decisions, how to make your strongest case,how to protect your child. It also tells you how to present yourself to the court and in front of the guardian at litem, your body language is watched and read by them, crying makes you look too needy,like you need your child more than she needs you.There was a lot that I didnt know in there....you need to seek out whatever information you can, but also get a lawyer now.

Answer 2

The judge is going to look at what is best for the child. I wouldn't stress over it unless you have done something that could put your daughter in danger. There are many things that could go on in a case. I would keep a journal of everything. As long as you are taking care of her, you will be fine. If he continues to harass you, I would get a retraining order. He lost or gave up his parental rights, and so he has no rights and until he serves you with papers saying he is going to court, they are only threats. I would HIGHLY suggest that you have no contact with him except through his attorney contacting your attorney or a third party not involved.

Ok, it does not matter if you work and he doesn't. That will not matter to the Judge IF it goes to court. As long as she is being taken care of while you are at work (like, you aren't leaving her home alone, for example) a judge doesn't care about that. Being disabled has it's disadvantages too, for instance, Can HE take care of the child with a disability?? SO don't let him throw that in your face.
FIRST of all, he has to get a judge to rule that something wasn't done right or improperly on the parental rights termination. Usually this is rare and doesn't happen although it is possible. THEN, would come the child custody part. Mostly, I just think he is trying to give you a hard time and get you upset. Just be careful, stay away from him, and enjoy your family. If you get served, then have your attorney contact his or vice versa, but don't try to handle it yourself. Although I am not an attorney, I have experience in family law and custody. (been there, done that) I will keep you in my prayers, and I know you will be ok.

Answer 3

Custody and Adoption are totally different with a whole set of different rules. This isn't a custody battle, this is/was an adoption. There is absolutely NO WAY an adoption can be "undone" (unless in situations where a father did not know the child was born and the mother let another adopt him/her)
In this case he either signed his rights away and/or a Judge ordered his rights to be terminated due to not being active in your daughters life. This means legally he is no longer her father so he has absolutely NO rights to her thereforth he can not fight for custody, in the eyes of the law, he is a stranger to your daughter.

He's bluffing so please don't worry about it.

Answer 4

first of all the court will look at the fact he has basically abandoned his daughter, the second thing is does he have a steady job and is he stable? And the last thing Im not sure of this but I think they also look at if he pays his child support when he is supposed to or is he like way behind all of these things are factors. He may also just be trying to mess with your head by saying there is some imaginary loop hole. Get a good lawyer and you will be okay.

Answer 5

First of all, don't worry too much. If she's lived with you the whole time and he hasn't attempted really to see her, they will look at that. You are her primary caregiver. Things they look at in custody cases are if you can support her properly, if she's been abused, STABLE HOME..meaning she won't be moving around all the time, if he or anyone in his home has a criminal background they will consider that, her health...like she's being taken care of properly..eating right, clothed, school, etc. If he hasn't been in her life a whole lot, you really don't have much to worry about. He didn't pay child support which is a huge part too...usually if they fail to pay then they can lose custody anyway. Just keep your chin up and stay strong...the person in the right will win and i'm sure it will probably be you...Good luck!

Answer 6

Well I know me and my husband were looking into getting custody of his daughter and they will look at what is the best environment for the child it helps that you have a spouse it shows you have a loving family to give her. They will look at basically what is a better living situation and seeing how she is not a baby they might also ask her how she feels and where she wants to live. I am not sure how old it is when they start asking the child. But I think that you have a good chance.

Answer 7

relax and think rationally. I know that is easy for me to say when I am sitting here and you are ... well wherever you are but it may be comforting to know I have walked a mile or many in shoes quite similar to yours. Here is what I learned... Family Law is based on common sense. No one would take a child from a good family where she is loved and wanted and has been thriving to put her in another family of any kind - good, bad or otherwise. Judges see no need to fix what isn't broke so providing your daughter is in a good stable home and doing well, she will stay there.
Your ex may have a case for visitation but again no Judge will randomly award copius amounts of visitation unless they are warranted. In cases of long distances between parents standard often looks like half of major holidays and one or two weeks during summer.
Rather than worrying about losing custody, take time to rwead family law cases online - choose those from the same state/province/counrty as yours for most relevance. I did this and it greatly releived all my fears and armed with with the knowledge i needed when my ex started making threats.

I learned after a long slow fight, which i won hands down, that my ex was not as interested in the kids as he was in making lik\fe difficult and punishing me for the happiness I had that eluded him. Now that I know this i just don;t play his games anymore and he has virtually ceased to exist again.

Answer 8

You sound like you're doing a great job w/ your daughter, if there's justice in this world your daughter will stay put. You should get letters of references (about your character and daughter) from school, coaches and anyone else you think would be of help, if all else fails have your daughter write a letter to the judge. By the way, keep up the good work there should be more mothers out there like you.

Answer 9

I have personal experience here. My biological father abandoned me before birth, and my dad adopted me when I was in 3rd grade. In order for your husband to adopt the girl, your ex had to sign over his parental rights. In doing so, he waived ANY and ALL rights to that child forever. So he is bluffing. Unless he tries to say someone forged his signature or he was on drugs at the time, the judge will uphold the waiver of parental rights. You have NOTHING to worry about. Also, all of the things you've said here about how little time he has spent with her, and how behind he is on child support will only further cement his lack of rights to your daughter. Hope this helps, and good luck!!!


P.S. Tell your husband that it is men like him that give daddies a good name. He took in a child that was not his and gave her his name. That is a real dad.

Answer 10

I feel for you. I'll pray for you and your daughter. I think first he'll have to prove that you are an unfit mother. I don't think he has a chance to get her back. Has he paid the child support or anything like that? Still I know it's gotta be scary for you. Hang in there. Just prove your case to the Judge. Good Luck!!