How to handle future in-laws when it comes to wedding planning?

Question

Bride speaking: Neither of us are religious & don't want a big production of a wedding. We had decided on getting married, alone, on the Virgin Islands. We were happily researching & planning when husband-to-be's, 2 sisters starting laying on the guilt about not being able to attend and they want us to change plans & get married here instead. Husband-to-be is extremely torn, wants to make family happy, has an extremely hard time telling anyone "no". I don't want to change plans & think his sisters are being selfish & rude, and should be happy for him. They know there would also be a reception planned in his hometown, yet insist they must be at the ceremony, even though they know we want to have it private and uncomplicated. Also, both sisters have unruly children that no one can control. The kids will be fighting for attention the entire time if they are present. How does the bride-to-be handle this? Serious and well thought-out answers only please. Thanks.

Answer 1

Honest answer. Do as you initially planned or you will regret it in the long run. My wedding day was what the in-laws wanted....nothing of what we wanted so now it was just a big pain to get the legal part done--even though we are religious. They will eventually get over it. If you give up what you want here you will end up doing it for everything else or when you finally make a stand, there will be a huge fight. We are now in the middle of dealing with the non-acceptance of the in-laws realizing that they aren't the ones having our first child or running our marriage. ---Tell them you appreciate their suggestions but this is what you want. Remind them how they had what they wanted on their wedding days and how special it was to them because of that. You may end up hurting a few feelings but we aren't perfect and we certainly can't make everyone happy all the time.

Answer 2

While I want to tell you that it's your wedding, and you should be able to do whatever the heck you want to, the point is, a wedding is about the merging of 2 families. Your relationship with your future in laws sounds like it may be off to a rocky start, banning them (as well as your own family) from the wedding is not going to help matters much, and may actually worsen them. You're going to become a member of your husband's family, while he will become a member of yours. His sisters will be your children's aunts, his parents their grandparents. While I firmly agree that if you want a beach wedding in the Virgin Islands, you absolutely have the right to do that, maybe there's a compromise here. After all, marriage is FULL of compromise, so here's a good way to learn. Invite immediate family only, that would mean parents, siblings and spouces of you and the groom. You and your husband will need witnesses anyway, so why not choose members of your family to share this day with you, rather than some complete strangers. As to the unruly children, have your fiancee tell his sisters (he needs to do the telling) that while the children are welcome to join them in the Virgin Islands, they will not be welcome at the wedding ceremony, and whatever you wind up doing for a reception. Most decent hotels will have babysitting services that his sisters can hire for their children, they can probably even bundle them up into 1 room and let the cousins play together and split the cost of the sitter between the 2 of them. That way, it's a win win situation. Hopefully you'll think about this solution, or something along these lines, as a way for you to get what you're wanting, which is a very small, private, non-religious ceremony on the beach, and his family getting what they want, which is to share the day with the 2 of you. Best of luck to you and your fiancee, I hope you can find a solution that you can live with.

Answer 3

And the fun begins! Stay with your plans, if this is something you two really want to do. Your wedding day is your special day, when you are queen and king of all decisions! So, if you want to get married naked on the snow covered mountains, people should plan on frost bite. I am serious! My daughter just got married in May, and it was their day. The word of the day was always "NO". If they didn't want something, then it wasn't done. If they did want something, we did it. She had our 9 year old as her ringbearer, I carried her new puppy that we got her as a wedding present down the aisle. We drank ice tea and rootbeer at the reception. And they marched down the aisle together as man and wife to Sweet Home AL. and no, we aren't completly crazy, it's what the kids wanted, and we did it, and had a blast!
So, go get married in the Virgin Islands, and come and have a nice big reception, if the sisters come, they come if they don't! Oh, well....Tape your wedding cermoney, and have it playing at the reception, as well as lots of pictures scattered around. I think it would be lovely. Make the reception, a tropical theme, and have a ball. I tried to pay my daughter to run off, and come home and we do the reception, but she and her now husband wanted all their friends and families there. So, please be aware you are going to hurt some feelings, but it's ultimately you and your fiance's only wedding day, so make it your dream come true!
Best wishes.....God bless us all............

Answer 4

Well tell them that this has always been your dream to get married on the beach and jokingly say they are welcome to attend if they want to book a trip to the Virgin Islands. Just play up the fact that you are excited about coming home to the reception and how nice it will be. My dh did the traditional wedding and got to go on a small honeymoon but if I had to do it all over again I think I would just elope and go on a terrific honeymoon!! You could also mention the cost of a big wedding and say that you would rather just elope. Offer to have the ceremony taped and then it could be played at the reception. Just some ideas - I hope that it all works out for you - Good Luck!

Answer 5

Really, there are a couple things for the second couple to consider here: 1. Are they really going to be able to get all the vendors/venues that they want within a six month period? 2. Financially how will this affect what your FH's family will be able to contribute? Logic would tell me that they're not going to be able to give as much as they could if the 2nd wedding was later. They're already committed to the costs of your wedding so your funds really shouldn't be affected. So from my POV it's actually more of a hindrance for them, not you. Which makes me ask, why do they want to get married at that time? It obviously must mean something to them or there is another reason behind it. The guests won't choose, they'll happily attend both (unless it's a long distance, then they might choose not to go to either to prevent hurt feelings). I'm not saying your concerns aren't warranted, I'm just saying it might not be that big of a deal. I think having a mature, well thought out conversation as a family might be the way to go. It could point out possible issues to the other couple and ease your fears. :)

Answer 6

Being a newlywed myself, I know a thing or too about difficult in-laws during that time! What it boils down to is the two of you. Remember, no matter what happens, the important thing is for you to get married! Your soon-to-be husband will have to buckle down and simply, tell them ya'll have decided on a private ceremony. It may hurt some feelings, but they'll get over it. Take lots of pictures to show them and make sure they are invited to the reception later on. If they stay mad at you, they need to grow up and move on with their lives... (a few less people YOU have to deal with, haha!) And about the kids, if they are that bad... then technically, if you were having a huge wedding, you could put "no children please" on the invite... I don't blame you at all... just talk rationally with your fiance and his family and lay it out for them!

Answer 7

Wow, do I know you? This happened to two friends of mine. Here's what they did. They did the destination wedding. Hey, it's your wedding after all, not theirs. But when they came back, their inlaws threw an informal reception for them and were able to have as many people as they wanted.

Tell your hubby to be that he's got to start getting used to telling his family no. Once you are married, your marriage must be the most important familial relationship he has. His sisters better get used to taking a back seat.

Answer 8

I think your fiance should let his sisters know that you have decided what you want for a wedding. There is really no reason for them to be at the ceremony itself. That's the boring part. Sounds like they want to go an a vacation to me. Tell them no that you are going to do what you want for your wedding, they can do what they want for theirs.

If they still give you a hard time, tell them you would be willing to do a renewing of the vows at the celebration just for them. Some places will even do live web cams for you. Good luck, and stick to your plan. If you let them change your plans now, be prepared to change your plans your entire marriage.

Answer 9

Personally, I would not have had a wedding if I didn't think it was important to have everyone that know and loves me there to share our happy day.

However, in planning my own wedding I got a lot of unsolicited advice from everyone that you have to take with a grain of salt.

Go with your instinct, but be careful. This will definitely set the tone of how your relationship will be from now on with your in laws.
They can always join you for your adult destination wedding if you like.

Answer 10

All final decisions should be by the Bride and Groom!
Don't listen to anyone else, Do it your way and have it Video taped and play it at the reception. Don't worry about his sisters, its not there wedding!