my mom doesn't accept my appearance.?

Question

i love my mom and i know she loves me but.. it seems like she can't accept me for who i am. she's always saying that i'll look prettier if i was skinny like everyone else. during meal times at home, it's rare that she invites me to eat with the rest of the family. also, in public places [once even with my friends] she told me to put the food down or don't eat too much [even if i took a small portion]. usually, when her co-workers meet me they say that i'm pretty and blah blah blah and then my mom goes 'yeah. she's not concious yet'. which means, i'm not considerate about my weight and stuff. it's not true. i'm already trying to lose weight and it's working. it's like she wants me to lose weight in a matter of hours. i've had this burden with me for a long time.. and i don't want to confront her saying that it hurts me.. because she's going to take it the wrong way. please, someone give me some advice. =(.

Answer 1

your mom it's human and of course she wants you to be healthy and to look good according to what she believes ,i do recommend you to talk to her and stop the abuse there's no perfection first of all criticising people does not help [ a la contraire] it will make you eat more , she has the right intention , but the wrong approach do talk to her and tell her that it hurts there's nothing wrong with you wanting respect and she should know that there are millions of people with the same problem ,look at rosie o'donnel ,oprah,they are successful women and weight wasn't an impediment for their success

Answer 2

ur mom is mean. i'm sorry 2 say that but that's very cruel of her 2 do that 2 u. that's embarassing 2 put u down in front of ur friends or her co-workers about how much u eat or should eat. be free 2 eat whatever u want. i know she's ur mom but u need 2 tell her 2 stop picking on ur weight and move on 2 something else. ur weight is ur problem, not hers. even though i don't know u, i think ur a beautiful girl who has a nice body and wonderful appearance. never let anybody tell u what u should eat or how u should look. tell her how u feel and work things out with her or maybe go 2 a family counselor 2 talk about this situation. i hope everything works out well between the 2 of u. Good Luck!! ^_^

Answer 3

Actually I totally relate. My mother is a thin woman and never has had a weight issue. My mother has berated each of her 3 daughters about weight. I was bulemic from age 19 to age 45. I used vomiting to control my weight. I didn't benge as many describe bulemia, I just puked every meal so I didn't gain. When I didn't puke I gained big time. I now do low carb and lost 50 pounds and wear a size 6. I always associated worth with my size. Now she critisizes how I eat and how I am really missing out on the "good stuff" at different restaurants or if she cooks.

My two sister's are quite over weight and at Christmas she always seems to buy them clothing that is too small. I don't know if it is so they will want to lose weight to fit in that outfit or what?

Once on a vacation the whole family went together too, I was cooking pancakes and putting the finished ones in the oven on a plate so we could eat all at the same time. My mother said to my sister and I who was frying eggs and bacon,

NO wonder you two are so fat you don't care about anyone but yourself and do not feed your children first. Those kinds of statements never leave you.

Answer 4

She may be hurt and even take it the wrong way, but she needs to know she is hurting you. Moms don't always realize they are doing this, especially if she had the same problem when younger. She is trying to help, but be honest she is making it worse, isn't she. My mom did the same thing when I was younger. Instead of helping me It caused me to give up and just eat more to "get back at her". Of course it didn't work, but it was a subconscious thing not something I thought through before it happened.
What it boils down to is sitting down with just Mom and saying something like..." Mom, I know you want the best for me. I know you are trying to help me when you do -(insert her behavior here)- But instead it is making me feel -(tell her just what you feel in each instance)-. I am working on losing weight because want to be healthier and be able to do things. I would like your help. can you help me in a way that will make me feel you are behind me instead of hurting me?"
This gives her an opening to help but precludes negative reinforcement(which doesn't work on this type of situation anyway). She loves you and wants to help, and this lets her know where she has been heading, so hopefully she will be a help, not a hindrance. Good luck on the weight loss, take it slow and don't go for the fads, okay. It stays off better that way.

Answer 5

If you were to make rude comments about her in front of her friends and co-workers she would smack you silly. Not that I think you should smack your Mom but you should talk to her. She wouldn't sticking a needle into you but her words are every time she says something. Go for counseling and suggest that your mother go too. Perhaps you could approach her about family counseling as a way for you to loose weight so she'll be more willing to go. My mother did the same thing to me and we have no relationship at all. We haven't spoken in over 12 years. So this is really serious stuff and you need to let her know how you feel.

Answer 6

I don't know enough of the specifics, like how old you are(pre-teen, teen,twenties), are you religious? (10 commandments, "Honor your Father and your Mother", ETC.

What is clear is that you are upset over the way your mother is treating you because of your level of fitness.

What I want you to see is that whatever it is that is upsetting you in this situation, your response to it is under your control.

Don't get me wrong. You can't control what your mother does. But YOU CAN CONTROL HOW YOU RESPOND TO IT.

First, YOU MUST KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Do you know and accept who you are? Because if you don't, how can you expect your mother to accept you for who you are?

And if you did know and accept who you are, then you would not
be so easily disturbed by someone who does not accept everything about you, even if it is your Mother...unless you also do not accept that part of you that is being criticized.

Which, of course, you don't, because you said you are already trying to change, so you must be in agreement with your mother about your appearance, or you wouldn't be trying to change it.

So, Second, YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN APPEARANCE.

If you need help, so many effective programs from diet to exercise are available, that it's just a matter of finding one that works best for you, and sticking to it.

DON'T go it alone. If it hasn't worked so far, it's not likely to work now...use a support system. Friendships formed through common interests last a lifetime, so the support you give and receive become part of a lifestyle of success in that area.

Third, ACCEPT YOUR MOTHER FOR WHO SHE IS. That is what you are wishing she will do for you. Are you accepting your mother for who she is? Because this will determine how you respond to her.

What does she NEED from you? What does she WANT from you?

Are her desires for you UNREASONABLE hopes, dreams, or expectations?

If so, can you accept her as having a weakness in this area, and accept and understand it, and love her for caring, or are you so weak in yourself that you have to take it so personally?

Yes it may SEEM that you are putting up with it for such a long time. But once you have your physical condition to where YOU are satisfied with it, you will look back on this time as the motivational period you needed to become what you've always wanted to be.

If you have a mother who cares for you at all, you are blessed. So many others don't.

And IF this is the only problem you are having with your mother, Fourthly, BE PATIENT AND FORGIVING, because this problem will soon pass (since you say you are already making progress), and the time you will have with her in the future can still be pleasant.

Answer 7

You didn't say your age and weight so I can only make guesses.

Could it be you haven't lost your baby fat yet?

You could always check online and see what your weight should be for your height.

Maybe she's saying you don't exercise enough so therefore you should eat less because it's starting to show.

Maybe your mom is in shape and is overconscious about weight in general.

If you want to get her off your back then exercise and eat less and get down to the weight and looks she wants you to have. Sounds to me she wants you to get the best out of life and has your best interests at heart.

Answer 8

Let me just start off by saying this is a very REAL problem that you have going on. It's also a very common one and unfortunately the most common cause of eating disorders. Parents (especially mothers) can be incredibly critical of their kids' weight and it is something that can take an incredible toll on their child's emotions.

First off you DO need to confront your mother. Let her know that it hurts you when she says that sort of stuff and that you ARE conscious of your weight. If it makes you question her love for you then let her know that. If she shrugs off your plea then I'd hate to say it but your mother isn't a very good mother and probably has emotional problems of her own. Mind me asking how healthy her eating habits are? Would you say she's close to having eating disorders?

As a dedicated weightlifter I can honestly say that most people come into the gym to look better for OTHER PEOPLE. These people usually do not last long in the gym as they don't usually have the dedication that is necessary to see good results. I started off this way but eventually started getting in shape for MYSELF, so that I could smile when I saw myself in the mirror. At this point I'm more than satisfied with my physique and just keep working out because it won't do me any harm and I like experimenting with my looks.

The only thing that should be taken into account regarding your physique is YOUR happiness, not that of others. If you are happy with your physique then keep doing what you're doing. If YOU are not happy with your physique then there are resources on the internet that can facilitate improvement. I can understand women getting in shape so that they are sexually desirable but there's nothing sound about someone changing their physique to satisfy their parents. Heck I'll get comments every-so-often from my parents or friends saying that I'm getting a little bit of a belly during my bulks but that's the point of a bulk... to gain a lot of muscle and necessarily add on a little bit of fat. I also understand that this criticism comes out of their own insecurities and I forgive them for it.

I don't know how old you are or what your stats are but what your mother is doing to you is, in all honesty, a bit of a dangerous thing. Her constant criticism can cause emotional problems for you, insecurities, and as I said before can cause eating disorders. It can also cause a skewed view of yourself. You need to confront her if you value your health and your mother-daughter relationship. Just also realize that your mother is probably very self-conscious about her physique and that's one reason why she turns to being critical towards you.

BTW where is your father in all of this? And do us all a favor and don't keep this chain of being critical towards one's children going... if you have children be loving and accepting as parents are SUPPOSED to be.

Answer 9

Its actually your mom who has low self esteem. She does not like things about herself and she wants you to be "perfect" to reflect her. Nobody can ever be perfect so she will always 'pick' on you. Maybe you can help control it by talking to her. Explain that you would like to loose weight but when she puts you down it upsets you and actually is doing the opposite. Tell her you would like her on your side offering encouragement not insults. Explain that you love her but if it continues you are afraid that when you reach legal age you may up and leave because her behavior is NOT the behavior of someone who loves someone.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

Oh my God, that's terrible! Does she want you to become anorexic or something? No mother should ever say those kinds of things because so many girls will take that as a reason to develop an eating disorder. Please don't ever succumb to that. Keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you're working on it. Don't let her get you down. Someday you will be at your ideal weight and she won't bother you about it anymore.