At what age would you tell your child they were adopted?

Answer 1

As soon as they're old enough to start reading to them (as in, newborn). Read them books about adoption, or better yet, read them a book you put together about THEIR adoption.

They don't understand it until they're about 4 or 5, but if you introduce the idea throughout their life, it isn't this huge "shock" when you do tell them. And I totally disagree with the folks out there who think you should "never" tell. Someone is bound to know and tell your child "the secret," and that would be devastating to your family and your relationship with your child.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

My son was - maybe - four, almost five. I had said nothing, but around that age he asked about where babies come from (and all that). I told him that babies grow inside a woman's tummy in a "special pouch" , and that when the baby is born if the mother is able to take care of it really well she brings it home. I told him that usually mothers can take good care of their babies, but sometimes they're just not able to. When that happens they ask another mother to take of their baby, love it and be its mother because they want what is the best thing for the baby. I then told him it just so happened that's what happened with him. He accepted that.

Later on he would ask the occasional question about "the other lady" (I was careful not to call her a "mother" because I think children need to think they have one mother and one father if they are to feel "regular"), and I'd say I didn't know a whole lot about her - only that she must have had some real difficulties if she couldn't take care of the baby she had.

As you got to be around 11 I let a few more details out, but not the gory details (he had been a battered infant from a "real prize" of a background).

When he was 21 and contacted by an adoption group who follows up on inquiries from birth families he was reluctant to return the call. I asked him if he'd just call to let the go-between know he is fine. When he called they convinced him to meet the biologicals, which he did. He then learned the gory details, saw how they are questionable people, went through a whole big adjustment process, got thrown off as far as his own sense of stability went, and eventually decided not to see any of those people and instead "came back" to us a little wiser.

If I could have it to do over again the one thing I would not have done was to tell him he was contacted. These go-betweens didn't identify themselves, so I passed the message on. Since he then told me who they were and that he had no interest in responding I then knew who they were. I believed the moral thing was to ask him to let the biological woman know he's ok. Now I see I was naive. I think any of these groups that reunite people should 1) identify themselves and 2) factor in the possibility that 21 may still be a little too young to deal with the mess.

I think the initiation of any searching should be only on the part of the adopted person, and I think people should be aware that maybe some situations are better left unexposed until a person is closer to, maybe, 30.

Anyway, all went well with him up until that particular mistake. I think he could have handled "the gory details" if he hadn't been able to also put a name and face on the people involved, see that they're real, and see that these people expected this "lost son" to return and pick up where things were left off when he was four months old.

I'm convinced my approach was a good one when it came to telling him the simple fact that he was adopted. I have, however, learned from experience that encouraging him to contact that go-between was a giant mistake. I'm sharing that with you because I wish someone had shared it with me. These days there are a lot misguided ideas and bits of advice about adoption.
Be careful.

Answer 4

I was an adopted child and my parents started telling me that I was adopted when I was about 7 or 8 years old because they didn't want some kid at school to tell me.

People who don't tell their adopted children the truth are setting both the child and theirselves up for some serious social problems when the child finds out... AND THEY WILL FIND OUT.!

Answer 5

I'd probably start telling them around the age of 4, so they could get used to the concept before waiting until they are older where it will be a bomb-shell and rock their world. I know that at 4 they won't understand, but it would be talked about regularly, then eventually the child will grow up with the notion and not find it so distressing.

Answer 6

It's hard to say. I am adopted along with my bioligical sister. We were adopted at 1 and 2 years old. When I was maybe 8 I really don't rember my parents told us we were adopted and we had half siblings out their somewhere. When I turned 18 my adopted mother aka my mother no matter what. Gave me a copy of the birth cirtificate with the birth parents names. And we wrote a letter to the state of ....... to get the adoption records. I tracked down one half sister and . I am very hapy to atleast know that i was adopted and that i was very lucky to have a wonderful loving family.

Answer 7

I hope thatthis serious answer helps you. I was told as early an age that I could understand the meaning of the word. Also I was always told how special I was in that my parents were able to choose me from many babies and they choose me vs the rest of us taking what God gave us. I never was put down by my parents because I was adopted, but always felt much closer to my dad than mom. I am in my 50's and about 20-22 years ago set out to find my birth mother. Being the genius that I am it took all of 3 weeks. I now have 7 bros/sis that we know about and one missing sibling. questions; [e-mail]

Answer 8

Totally depends on the child. Every child is able to comprehend information at a different age. So you would have to judge the maturity of the kid and then make the determination of telling them.

Answer 9

I would let them know when they are old enough to understand what you are talking about in the first place, usually around 10 to 12. Or start around 6, and just give them a reminder once a year, they will start asking questions at that time, you'll know they are ready to know. If you hide it from them, and they find out later from someone else, they will really be pissed at you, and the bio parents. Just start working your way up the age line.

Answer 10

The younger the better. From a young age two or three, you can say you choose to be the child's Mom. As he gets older keep it short and sweet, but answer questions honestly. You can say the child did not grow inside your tummy (or womb), but grew in your heart.