Lighten up my day with a good joke?

Question

I need to laugh!

Answer 1

This is the fairy tale we should have been reading as little girls!





>>>>> Once upon a time,

>>>>>

>>>>> In a land far away,

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> A beautiful, independent,

>>>>>

>>>>> Self-assured princess

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Happened upon a frog as she sat,



>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Contemplating ecological issues



>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> On the shores of an unpolluted pond



>>>>>

>>>>> In a verdant meadow near her castle.

>>>>>





>>>>> The frog hopped into the princess' lap

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And said: Elegant Lady,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> I was once a handsome prince,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> One kiss from you, however,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And I will turn back

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Into the dapper, young prince that I am

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And then, my sweet, we can marry

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And set up housekeeping in your castle

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> With my mother,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Where you can prepare my meals,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Clean my clothes bear my children,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And forever

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Feel grateful and happy doing so.







>>>>> That night,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> As the princess dined sumptuously

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> On lightly sautéed frog legs

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Seasoned in a white wine

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And onion cream sauce,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> She chuckled and thought to herself:



>>>>>

>>>>>

>>>>> I don't f.........ing think so.

Answer 2

This is entertainment that's better than a joke! A link is after this explanation; just click on it and enjoy! It takes a while to watch the whole movie. Enjoy!

Read first, this is pretty amazing.

And you thought those people that set up roomfuls of dominos to knock over were amazing...

There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film.

Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it.

The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work.

They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions. The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete including full engineering of the sequence.

In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime.

However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history.

Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free viewings" (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation - including the costs.

There are six and only six hand-made Honda Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film.

Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is parts from those two cars. The voiceover is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten.

They fell off their chairs when they found out it was for real.

Oh. and about those funky windshield wipers. On the new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet. It looks a bit weird in the commercial.

click here

Answer 3

A man and a woman had a dog. There dog slept with them, but the dog had the problem of snoring extremely loud. The woman finally got fed up and went to the vet to see if he could help.

The vet replied, "Tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles. It will stop his snoring.

To that the woman replied, "Ha! Yeah right!

That night while the woman was trying to sleep, the dog's snoring became so nerve racking, that she rummaged through her closet and finally found a red ribbon. She carefully tied it around the dog's testicles and almost immediatley, his snoring stopped.

Satisfied, the woman went to bed. As she began to dose off she heard her husband enter the bedroom from a night of drinking with his friends.

The man climbed into bed and began to snore louder than the dog had done. The, woman was thinking that maybe tying a ribbon around the man's testicles would fix his problem to.

Again, she rummaged through the closet until she came across a blue ribbon. She tied it around the man's testicles, and, like the dog, he stopped snoring almost immediatley.

Now the woman went to bed happy.

The next morning the man woke up before the woman. He went to the bathroom to take an early morning wizz. When the man dropped his pants, he was shocked to see he had a blue ribbon around his testicles! Then the dog walked in and the man noticed the red ribbon around the dog's testicles.

To this the man said, "I don't know where we were or what we did last night, but it looks like we got first and second place."

Answer 4

Celebrity survey


My recipe for success is :

Bruce Springsteen wrote... 10% perspiration, 90% inspiration
Tiger Woods wrote... 60% hard work, 40% talent
George W. Bush wrote... 20% talent, 30% luck


When I want to be alone I:

Kelsey Grammer wrote... go for a long drive
Lorraine Bracco wrote.. shut my phone off and take a long bath
Terrell Owens wrote... step into a crowded room and say "Hey Guys, I'm your new teammate."

I Knew for sure my baby was mine when:

Chris Martin of Coldplay wrote... she hummed a simple tune
Chris Rock wrote... she laughed at one of my jokes
Ben Affleck wrote... she pooped in a diaper and charged me $9.50 to see it

During the holidays I always tip:

Jay Z wrote... my driver
Brian Williams wrote... my doorman
Kirstie Alley wrote... an above ground pool of eggnog into my mouth.

When people first meet me they often yell out:

Robin Williams wrote... "Hey Mork!''
Chuck Norris wrote... ''Hey Walker!''
George W. Bush wrote... ''Hey Jackass!"

I Believe that personal Integrity is:

Pierce Brosnan ( James Bond ) wrote... something to strive for
Benjamin Bratt wrote... essential in todays world
William Shatner wrote... now available at priceline.com

If I could wear anything I'd wear:

Jamie Foxx wrote... an Armani suit.
Heath Ledger wrote... jeans and a t-shirt
Clay Aiken wrote.. Heath Ledger

If I could be a superhero I would be:

Quentin Tarantino wrote... Batman
Kevin Pollack wrote... Superman
Dick Cheney wrote... Josef Stalin

One city that's not as much fun as it sounds is:

Penn Gillette wrote... Las Vegas
Natailie Portman wrote... Hollywood
Michael Jackson wrote... Boise


In The Next couple Of Years I Hope To:

Julia Roberts wrote... win another oscar
Rene Zellweger wrote... find the love of my life
Kevin Federline wrote... appear on "COPS"

If People are crying at the end of Opera, it means:

Placido Domingo wrote... I'v given a great performance.
Andrea Bocelli wrote... they have been moved by the story
Luciano Pavarotti wrote... once again, I'v fallen into the audience

To surprise my wife I like To:

Ben Stiller wrote... buy her flowers
Will Smith wrote... plan a last minute plane trip
Robert Blake wrote... murder her

The nomination of Judge Alito will be...

Senator Joe Biden wrote... a more difficult proccess than that of John Roberts
Tom Brrokaw wrote... a heated display of partisan politics
George W. Bush wrote... the best Harry Potter movie yet!


I'll never love anyone the same way I love:

Gwyneth Paltrow wrote... my daughter
Kate Hudson wrote... my son
Star Jones wrote... food

When I saw ''Brokeback Mountain'', I:

Katie Couric wrote... cried
Tom Hanks wrote... felt there was a new oscar favorite
Clay Aiken wrote... wondered who read my diary

My first crush was:

Mandy Moore wrote... Mattew Finer, the boy next door.
Brian Williams wrote... Mrs. Fittzgerald, my third grade teacher
Larry King wrote... Anat, the pharaohs daughter

Answer 5

A priest and rabbi are sitting on a bench. Suddenly the rabbi takes out an apple from his bag, eats it and when he's done he eats the core. The priest is amazed by this. He says to the rabbi why do you eat the core of the apple? The rabbi says my people believe it makes you smarter. In fact says the rabbi, I happen to have another apple here that you can by for $10 so you can try it yourself. So the priest gives the rabbi the $10 and starts to eat the apple. Then he says to the rabbi, hey rabbi I just realized for $10 I could have bought a whole case of apples. You see, said the rabbi, you're getting smarter already.

:)

Answer 6

A man travelling on a crowded bus accidentally dropped a photo from his pocket...it was a picture of his wife and children. The picture landed at the feet of a fellow female passenger, who was wearing a long floral skirt. The man was anxious that he might lose his picture so without hesitation, he bent down and said to the female passenger, 'Could you lift up your skirt a little, I want to take a picture.'

Answer 7

The phone rings.
The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimers disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Answer 8

Walking through the desert one day. There was a English man, a German man and a Chinese man. On the first day the English man died of dehydration. On the second day the German man died of dehydration. And on the third day the Chinese man reached the end of the desert. At the end of the desert a man asked the Chinese man "How did u survive 3 days in the desert?" The Chinese man said " me no soft, me no silly, me drink water from my willy!"

Answer 9

A bloke goes to the doctors and says i feel like a pair of curtains ans the doctor says come on man pull yourself together.

A bloke goes to the doctors and says doctor i fell like a cricket ball and thedoctor says hows that and he says dont you start(thats what they say when they catch the ball in cricket)

Answer 10

Tony Blair!