does anybody kno any long jokes, i dont really like da yo momma, or knock knock wateva jokes, whoeva has the best joke gets da best answer
2006-08-12 06:20:35 · 8 answers · asked by lora l 1 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”
The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
2006-08-12 06:42:53 · answer #1 · answered by Bubbles 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Painful Restroom
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
2006-08-12 14:42:07 · answer #2 · answered by Tammy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Sex
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
1. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. Good beer costs less than good women.
27. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
28. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.
29. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
30. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at halftime.
31. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother, your ex-wife or her therapist.
32. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.
33. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get involved with lawyers.
34. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.
35. A beer doesn't make you sleep on the couch after you've taken six other beers on a picnic.
36. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you doing?"
37. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.
38. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.
39. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.
40. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a drive-in movie.
2006-08-12 22:12:12 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of
the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she
came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old
lady replied, "I make bets."The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old
woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls
are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You
can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would
you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet
$25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then
said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring
my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!"
replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning
from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were
square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at
his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said
the president,"$ 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the
hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I
bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the
Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
2006-08-12 13:30:41 · answer #4 · answered by Honey Bizzle 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth & noticed that she was little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No."
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up With a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to Hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right Onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the Big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her Teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and Exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
2006-08-12 13:23:24 · answer #5 · answered by Pd 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"
2006-08-12 13:31:43 · answer #6 · answered by ♥-=-TLCNJ19-=-♥ 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Turn up your speakers and enjoy!
Vacation Blonde and the Alligator Boots
http://home.att.net/~soloshideaway/658/vacation.htm
2006-08-13 03:22:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go here>> http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=864255271&n=2
It sooooooooo funny!! (^_^)
2006-08-12 13:41:11 · answer #8 · answered by JennyfferBCN 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋