My dad and I?

Question

My father and I have had a very rocky relationship throughout my life. He was emotionally absent when I was growing up and even more so now. He wants to pretend there are no problems in our family. He doesn't want to bother with anything when he comes home, he just wants a beer, dinner, and to go to bed. That's his perfect life. I revealed to him that I was raped, hoping to have him try to help me and make me feel that he still loved me, but he blew it off. It was never mentioned again. He doesn't want to bother with it. I am now angrier at him for ignoring it than I am at the rapist. I now fight with my father constently, but that's not I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to pretend that everything is perfect in my life so everything will be perfect in his. I try to move on from this, but everything he does or says just ignites that anger again and I act ugly towards him. I'm not allowed to bring up my rape again (said to me by my mother) or to upset him.

Am I wrong for being angry with him? How can I just move on with this and try to have a good relationship with him? (I'm even crying as I type this)

I was suicidal for a long time after the rape and when I revealed this to him, by saying, "I've spent all this time wanting to ****** ram my car into a wall or oncoming traffic." He ignored my outburst, except for the f word. This was weeks ago. Just last week he said, "Remember when you cussed at me that one time, that really hurt my feelings..."

Unfortunately, the rape happened more than a year ago and I kept it a secret until a few months ago. I don't even know where to find him, it was some random guy at a theater I went to by myself.

Answer 1

I'm tempted to say you can't. But, it IS possible that he has the idea that a man must never show that ANYTHING bothers him. It might be that he has no idea how to handle your rape, so he's pretending it was never mentioned. That being said, he has failed you. That means that he's not perfect, not that he's necessarily a lousy, uncaring bastard. I advise you you try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but that may not be possible, only you can decide. As for the rapist, has this been reported to the police? Unless proof is impossible, he should be prosecuted.

Answer 2

U have the right to be upset!
your dad heart is proly in reality torn apart of what happend to you and he isnt sure of how to deal with it!
next time he's feeling like that or he when he comes home from work, try giving him a hug and say that you love him, and just hold him for a minute! It may open the door you have been lookin for! If that doesnt work at least get some help like counseling or something, hope u filed a police report!
I hope things start to get better for ya!
dont give up!

Answer 3

You need a friend, someone older to talk too and share your feelings and your fears. If you have a counselor or someone, or just a friends Mother. Someone you can trust and let your feelings out to. Do you have a pastor or priest? You really need someone to believe you and help you and you cannot change your Dad or your Mom. Some people never develop emotionally enough to help their children. Go to a clinic and talk to someone. Depending on where you live look up a rape center, I am sure you can find free help to guide you through this terrible time. Blessings.

Answer 4

assuming your legally an adult, cuz if ur not ur dad should be arrested 4 not reporting a child molestation.

1. dont focus on ur father, he has issues that ur not gonna fix.
2. ur HEALING is the MOST IMPORTANT thing right now. things are not going to get "better" without u honestly addressing the horror that was inflicted upon u.
3. ur mom is an emotionally abused woman. i pity her, dont be angry at her.
4. u arent alone, find a woman's support group NOW.
5. ur gonna need therapy. dont be afraid to talk.

there's hope and healing out there. go for it girl. being a victim is one thing, being hopeless is a choice. u can do it!

al

Answer 5

You have all the right to be angry, and you'll probably have to deal with this through you whole life. Our relationship with our parents are never easy, and they mark you forever.

I'm truly sorry to hear this.

Have you tried counseling? I think you need it and it would really help you be able to grow as a person and learn to be on your own without depending on your father's support.

Oh boy. I agree with you that support from our parents is one of the most important things we need in life. But sometimes we just have to go for the next best thing (friends, boyfriend, therapy), and learn to be on our own in this life.

I feel for you. Be well.

Answer 6

It seems that you are not the only person in your family with problems, it seems your dad has some also. A lot of time me especially dad's who think they have to be strong and manly in front of their children don't know how to handle their feelings. You're not wrong to be bad, but you will be wrong if you stop trying to get a better relationship with your dad. Try sitting down with him and having a normal conversation with out bringing anything negative up, maybe he'll open up sooner or later. If things can't resolve maybe a family consuler would be good.

Answer 7

see relax dont cry forget what happened to u it was not ur fault.
u should tell ur dad what u r thinking and forget about ur past ,live in present and make a good aim for ur future like about studies that u will achieve something .this will distract u from ur family problems.and enjoy ur life.the time u are spending wont come again so live happy and enjoy.you can aslo punsih that guy who raped you but for that u have to be very bold by complaining to police

Answer 8

oh honey. Its not wrong that u are upset with him. I would be to, but if you can try to move away from the anger. Start all over with your father. Its going to be hard, and you will always have that anger, but you can still laugh with him from time to time. And as for that rape, he may just be uncomfertable with it.

I know how u r feeling. I went threw that with my dad also. Maybe not the same things, but he was just never around.
Things will get better for you one day. You just have to deside to let go of the anger that is keeping you from getting close. You dont have to be bestfriends either. Just be nice.
Good luck honey.

Answer 9

I feel for you, because i grew up with a father who was pretty much like yours A total waste of human flesh. He obviously never cared about his kids, or you anyway. I would tell him exactly how you feel, and then move on with you're life. Don't wait until he's dead and then find yourself wishing you had given him a piece of you're mind. Have you gotten any counseling for what happened to you?

Answer 10

i say give up and quit wasting ur tears over that stupid sh**. find someone who truly supports u and loves u. at least urs ignores u, i wish mine would. he's emotionally abusive and i hate him so much i wish he'd freakin' die. and she's the same way so she can go rot as far as i'm concerned. whoever says words don't hurt as much as physical abuse have never experienced neither one. i remember the words more than anything else. he doesn't deserve u to worry about him and u're mother ain't no prize either.