Gradually, my parents are turning more and more selfish..?

Question

You would think that they would be happy in their early 60's...but they divorced and have become very selfish. Neither want to spend time with their kids or grandkids anymore unless we go to their house and do exactly what they like. Whatever happened to having great parents...? What are yours like?

I didn't mention this before...but I had the kind of parents that were never there for me. I grew up without a kiss from my mom since I was 10 or something. I just thought that they might want to see me as they got older.

There is nothing better than to be told I am selfish when I feel like I never got love at all.

Answer 1

You said they divorced and have become selfish. I do not believe that anyone becomes selfish. It was there from the beginning. There is not enough information here to really give an in depth answer, but it appears that your parents were never really in love. It is difficult to say, in your case, but loving parents are usually happy with their marriage. It is not a definite requirement of course, but it really helps. If two people do not have a loving marriage, the children are the first to suffer.
My advice to you is to use their lack of love as a hideous example of how not to be a parent.

The love that you have to give, may be beneficial if you have a loving pet. They are always there for you and when you get older and have more understanding of the frail side of human nature, you will have a good and giving life.

Best of thoughts to you. Jaread

Answer 2

Well, I read the answers you have already received to get a better understanding of what people had to say. And I am a young grandmother myself, with 3 young adult children. So my point of view is from the parents. I have a couple of questions. How was your relationship with your parents when you were young? If it was good, it can be good again, if you both work hard at it. If it wasn't so good, it will be more difficult, but give it a try. But talk about selfish! That is the definition of a child. They are all about "me, me, me"! When you came to them you were helpless, completely dependent upon them. They fed you, clothed you, cleaned you, took you places, bought you things. For 18 (or more) YEARS! they took care of you! They probably even considered your needs above their own. And what have you given them in return? Your gratitude? Your love? Have you ever told them thank you for all they did for you? I think if you make sure you have an attitude of gratefulness and you approach your parents to talk about this, you will be surprised how much better it will go. Do something special for your parents, count them as blessings, be appreciative. And instead of wondering where the great parents are, be a great child! Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

I haven't seen my father since I was 20 or my mother since I was 22. That was over 30 years ago.

I recommend this course of action for you, also. The only good thing I have to say about them is that they were honest enough not to pretend to love you.

You don't owe them a g*dd*mn*d thing. Don't flatter yourself by saying that you are kinder than they are, so you'll put up with them a couple of times a year in order to show yourself your own tolerance and congeniality. Their games will rub off on you and you'll stay poisoned and angry when you do that!

Don't tell them why you're staying away from them, either. The best thing to do is not write and not answer their calls. You'll be shocked that you won't be sorry when they die. KEY POINT: write to the state health department and get their death certificates about 90 days after they die -- you want to share their formal cause of death with your primary doctor as a critical part of the "family history" in your medical record.

When they die you'll be shocked by how relaxed and calm you are about it.

If you need to feel sympathy, I can tell you this. There is a physical component to your parents' increasig selfishness --they are circling the wagons as they get older and sicker. But that's their business; I doubt they'd listen to you even if you were an MD.

The choice is yours -- choose freedom.

Answer 4

You don't get to pick your parents. They, like everybody, make choices, and gotta live with the consequences. But, even a lousy example can be a good thing. If their behavior teaches you how NOT to behave, at least some good can come from their mistakes. BUT, you really can't know what motivates your parents. Just because they are older, doesn't necessarily mean they've acquired wisdom. Try to believe that as lousy as they act, it MIGHT be the best they can manage. Besides, your anger merely hurts you, and if it's justified, it won't even be noticed, or understood by them, so it serves no useful purpose. Life is to short to waste time on others' failures, even your parent's.

Answer 5

I wouldn't call it "selfishness". Perhaps they are continuing a tradition in their respective families. Some families with older parents and grands expect the younger generation to come visit them. Some family styles are different.

My sister is becoming one of the "you come and visit me".

My husband and his kids have a two way street for visiting.

I like keeping our house private. I'd rather go visiting than have visitors come here.

My mom and stepdad's house has always been the family magnent. They are now quite elderly and don't get out very much, so the LOVE having younger kin come visit them.

It's all a matter of family style.

Answer 6

My parents are the same way, but they are still together. They never come to see me because they feel I should always go there to visit. Every time I do go over they want money from me. They don't realize that I have bills as well. I'm raising two kids, all their kids are grown now. When I tell them I don't have money to give they think I'm keeping it from them. I can't win with my parents. I won't bother fighting with them though, because I know they won't be here forever, and I don't want to live with regret and a grudge like that towards my parents.

Answer 7

MAN, I can totally sympathize. My mother is 63 and is starting like this...my parents are separated. My mom was a total June Cleaver for years...think they finally are just taking sometime for themselves. They will come back to you in a little while...maybe they are just getting freaked because they realises how many years have gone by so fast and how much stuff they didn't do with their own lives...it's probably like going thru puberty all over again...trying to find that place between being a mother and a grandmother and what your new role in your new world is...give them some time=)

Answer 8

my parents..well um are nuts have always been nuts and it's getting worse, I spent half my life in the "system" because my mother has PPD, Paranoid Personality Disorder..she would basically call the police saying I had stolen her credit cards, I had run away, I was trying to kill her...you know things like that. So being only 12 no one elived me and I landed in group homes, foster homes, "Hope Camps" received many "evaluations" until they finally realized I hadn't done any of this and the problem was not me it was my mother....she still hasn't gotten any help.

Answer 9

I am terribly sad for you. That is a difficult situation to be in. I have a set of friends who are going through the same thing and it is killing them emotionally. My advice is to do a google search for "Adult children of divorce." There is a lot of good information out there to help explain what is happening.

Answer 10

my mothers the same she cant be bothered to go five houses down to see her grand-kids and my kids don't wanna go cause she wont let them play shes got her place decked out like a museum she chain smokes in front of her t.v and curses me cause i don't visit her more often but in my defence she don't visit me and i have kids all she has are two dogs and she wont leave them alone because they are too old well excuse me i cant leave my kids alone cause they are too young....I'm sorry for ranting you're question struck a cord sorry i cant be of more help but i don't know what to do with my mom either