does anyone have a new good joke?

Answer 1

this one is brand new.... never heard before.... have fun

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes" said the girl.
When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.


"Go and get help" he cried


"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.


"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly"

She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck"

The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far"

Answer 2

Miracles Do Happen

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

Your Soon-to-be Ex-Wife


P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

.....The saga continues.....

Dear Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Answer 3

So a man in sales has a meeting in NY at 8:00 a.m. and he is in Indiana right now. He just ate dinner and is getting on a bus to NY. He asks the driver to wake him up when they get to NY. The driver agrees and the man falls asleep.

The man wakes up at 9:30 and is furious. he asks the driver why he was not woken up.

Two men on the bus converse about this. The first man says, wow, he looks pretty mad.

The second says, yeah, but not as mad as the one that was forced off at NY two hours ago.

Answer 4

Two blondes went to the market. While they were there, they each bought a horse. When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back, so they decided that they would break one of the horses' legs. One of the blondes said, "Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?"

Answer 5

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."

Answer 6

Physical Exam.......

An eighty-three year old lady
finished her annual physical examination,
Whereupon the doctor said,
"You are in fine shape for your age,
But tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask
My husband,"
She went out to the reception room
And said: "Bob do we still have
Intercourse?"

Bob answered impatiently,
"If I told you once,
I told you a thousand times...







We have
Blue Cross!

Answer 7

what is the height of conceit???

A mosquito flating down a river with a hard on,yelling raise the draw bridge..........

Answer 8

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WIFE AND A GIRL FRIEND?????????
ABOUT 40 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND A BOYFRIEND??????????
ABOUT 10 MORE MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

I have plenty, so if u want contact me
[e-mail]

Answer 10

hmmm....try listening to jeff foxworthy.....he kills me....