have any really really good marital jokes?

Question

i am officially out of laughs these days.

im just sayin if you have any good jokes.

Answer 1

One night the husband was drunk as usual and at the front door of the house. He was so drunk that he only remember his wife open the door and the next morning found himself in his own bed.

He is amazed to find out that he's wearing new clothes and his bed is clean as a whistle. So he stand up to go to the bathroom and also find the bathroom very clean and tidy and there is new towels there.

So when he walk down to the dining room found himself the best breakfast ever seen on the table. So he can't withstand the misery any longer and ask his son at the table..

"Son, wasn't i was drunk yesterday?"
"Yes, you were, dad.. you were so drunk that you vomit all the way to the bed and you take out your wee wee and pee on the stairs.. if that's not the worse yet, you vomit on mom's new night grown.. and after that you sh*t on the bed.."

At this the father is very frieghten and amaze..

"But what happens this morning?"
"Nope, it was at night. When mom was trying to take off your pants on the bed, you yell at her "Looks Bi*tch!!! i am married!!!"

Answer 2

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down...and saw her husband was holding a device...a vibrator...soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

Answer 3

* They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense

*It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

* It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers to protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ...... the KAAMWALI

*A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

*What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

* Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

* Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

* Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

* If your wife wants to learn to drive,
don't stand in her way.

Answer 4

Joke One:
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.
First woman-- "I froze to death.
Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

Joke Two:
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband, says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

here's hoping you like them.....he! he! he!

Answer 5

Two men and a woman were at a CIA job interview.Each person was handed a gun,and told that ,in order to prove they had what it takes to be a CIA agent,they had to go into an adjoing room and kill their spouse,each of whom had been kidnapped earlier that day.
The first man enters the room where his spouse is held , only to return several minutes later crying."I can't do it!" he sobs."I love her more than life!".
The second man walks into the room where his wife is held,and comes back out shaking his head."I could never do such a thing." he says.
Lastly the woman enters the room where her husband is held,and shuts the door behind her.After a minute of silence several gunshots are heard,immediately followed by lots of shouting.Seconds later there is the sound of breaking furniture,and awful screaming.This goes on for several minutes.
The woman walks out,and shuts the door behind her.The CIA interviewer asks her "What the hell happened in there?".
The woman replies "The gun was loaded with blanks,but don't worry.I was able to beat him to death with a chair!"

Answer 6

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind him were walking 200 men in a single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, " Well, the first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further. "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."


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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the
airbag!"


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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make our husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Answer 7

Marriage is the biggest joke anyway but here's a good one:

Wife buys husband a present for his birthday. He opens it and says "What the hell am I supposed to do with a rocket?" Wife says "Well you wanted space....now F*@K off!!"

Answer 8

Here's one.
I had a dream a few months ago that my aunt marge died. A few days later, she did die! I was stunned. I was afraid to sleep.
But of course I did sleep. And I dreamed that my father had died. I went around for days worried that my father was going to die. Finally, I went to my father, and I said, "Dad, I dreamed that you was going to die and I have been worried sick for three days!"
And my dad said, "You think you've had a bad time? The milkman just dropped dead on the porch this morning."

Answer 9

Lie Detector

First man: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie?

Second man: Seen one? I married one!

Answer 10

2 guys playing golf one morning, funeral goes by, 1 guy stops, takes off his hat, and stops for a moment of silence, other guy ask did you know the deceased, first guy says...know her, i was married to her for 20 years...