Should I tell my daughter that the only father she knows is not her dad?

Question

She is 7 yrs. old and she knows that her big sister has a different dad, and when we told her recently she was confused and I think shocked. My oldest's dad is in the picture now, and I don't want anything to do with her real dad cause he was abusive to me. And I don't want her to feel bad cause her real dad is not a nice guy. I also don't like lying to her, I don't want her to be mad at me cause we lied to her either.

Answer 1

That's a very personal question..being that what works for me won't necessarily work for you.

But my husband was very hard drug user, enough to land him in prison. I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter and separated from him at the time.

I have been honest with her about him, not necessarily given her all the information, mostly because of age appropriateness. I plan on giving her the full truth when she is older and can handle it.

If this man has been there for you and your daughters and she sees him as her dad, then honey I have news for you, he is her dad. There is a difference between being a father and being a sperm donor.

Personally, I would have been honest with her as she grew, not waiting until she is 7, but that doesn't help you now.

Does it really matter for her to know now? Maybe not. As long as she has a family who loves her, that is the most important thing. She is at an age now where her self esteem is building and giving her the truth may hurt her more than you know.

I think waiting until you feel she is mature enough to handle it is okay. Yeah, she may be mad, and she may get upset, but ultimately, she will realize you both loved her and that you were a family.

Answer 2

I guess this is really a matter for opinion. I know that if I were your daughter and you came to me with everything when I was older, I would be furious and feel like my whole life had been a lie. Also I know that I would wonder what else you lied to me about. If you tell her something like that and start to say how horrible her father was, she may not believe you even though he may be the anti-Christ. I would tell her now if I were you and make sure that you tell her that she didn't do anything wrong, and that it wasn't her fault. Kid's tend to blame themselves for things like this. I know when my father left when I was 4, I always thought that if I was a better kid growing up then maybe he wouldn't have left. Also, you should know that at some point in her life she will want to meet him. It does not matter how horrible of a father and a person he was (or is) she will want to see for herself. It may be hard, but let her go. Just make sure she is old enough to handle it first.

Answer 3

Well she is 7 and she could get really confused. When i was 7 i thought that your dad was whoever your mom was married to at the time that you were born. I didn't really understand anything about it. My nephew has the same problem. He is only 2 so we aren't worried about telling him that his dad is in jail for trying to kill his mom (i know it is quite a bit different), but we will have to figure out what to do sooner or later. For medical reasons in the future she will have to know eventually (for things like what runs in the family and such). Tell her when she is old enough to understand, maybe when she is ten. That way she will realize that the man who has been raising her is her dad, just not her biological dad.

Answer 4

My 9 year old daughter and her big sister have different dads and a wonderful "stepdad". The oldest one has a good relationship with her dad, ,the 9 year old sees and talks to her dad, but they aren't close. Both of the girls know that their situations are very different but that they are all in good shape in our household. The "step" dad is also their dad. In our house we don't refer to them as the real dad and the step dad. We call them the first dad and the second dad. The second dad is the one who cares for their daily needs, hangs out with them, helps them with homework, goes to all their school and sporting events, takes them to church, provides their food, shelter, clothing, etc. He's also the dad that provides the disipline, the rules, the guidelines, and has promised to embarass the heck out of them when they start dating :) The "first" dads just really send child support once a month and pick the kids up for play time a couple of times a month. They love both, but they know who the "real" daddy is. The "real" daddy is the one who is raising them, He's the one who knows what books they read, what colors they like, what the names of their teachers are, what chores they do and don't do. He's the one who knows what stages they are going through, what makes them happy, what makes them fight, and how to make them giggle. The "real" daddy is the one who has stayed up nights with them when they were sick, left work early when they had a problem at school, spent extra money for cheerleading camp or asthma medication, or those shoes that they couldn't live without. He's the one who has dried their tears when the "first" dad cancelled plans with them when something better came along. He's the one that takes them on a "date" now and then just so the can have some one on one time at their favorite restaurants just to get to know each other better. The real dad is not always the biological dad.
My opinion is that your daughter loves her second dad, and he loves her. She needs to know that he wasn't her first dad, but that he's the one that loves her and will always be there for her. She should know that there was once another, and that someday she may or may not meet him, but that he's out there. If you wait until she's older, she may resent you and your husband. Give her only the barest of details. At 7 she won't need lots and lots of details. Only answer the questions that she asks. And be prepared for more in the future. You might start the conversation with something like "you know how your sister has another dad?.......) Also, I would start the conversation in a very casual manner so it sounds sort of non-chalant so she won't be scared. And I would do it when it's just you and her.
SecondDad should know about the conversation before it happens, but shouldn't be in the room. She might say things to you that she would be afraid to say in front of him. But he should be close by in case she does want to talk to him right away.
I really believe that if you wait she'll think you are hiding things from her that are important.
Remember, "family" is what you make of it. Our family is what we lovingly refer to as a "mutt" family. We laugh about it and just love each other. We don't try to hide our wierd background from anyone, and seem to be accepted everywhere we go. Anybody that can't handle it doesn't need to worry about it. Life brings us things we don't expect and don't always have control over. You'll do fine. Just love each other.

Answer 5

You should tell her cause she deserves to know!Tell her now cause she is still young and will get used to the idea easier than when she is older!Tell her why you did the things you did and let her understand that you love her deerly!!!If she wants to meet her real father let her just prepare her for what might come cause once she gets older she will ask questions about him and she will end up looking for him!So let her know and understand how things work.Let her decide what she wants in life just make sure when anything happens that you as a PARENT are there for her and support her fully!!!She deserves the truth like anyone else does!!!Good luck!!!

Answer 6

Tell her now. It will help her knowing about her sister, and together that they have a common bond , in having different dads. Also the dad that she know loves her for her and not because she is biological child. At 7 they bounce back faster than we think. She might be talking to someone else about her sister that knows your situation and let it slip to her about hers. Would be better coming from you. Be honest about why he is not in the pic, make it simple and to the point, use examples that she will understand. Remind her that the dad she know is her dad in all ways other than the sperm donor. Remind her of the love you all share. God bless you all.

Answer 7

You need to tell her but not now. She has had a big enough shock with the news about her sister. Leave it for a few months and then broach the subject. You must be very clear that you left this man because he hurt you not that he left you because of her and also make it clear that both you and the "dad" she knows love her very very much. Answer any questions she has about him without being abusive or losing you temper ( I know it's hard) and always allow her the option (when she is older) of wanting to find and meet him.

Answer 8

first of all, he is her dad. No one will deny that. the other man was a sperm donor. My son's dad was abusive also and I left him before my son was old enough to remember him. I told my son that his dad had a sickness, not like a cold or the flu but that he couldn't control his anger. And that I loved him so much that I wouldn't allow him to get hurt. I also told him that his dad may change some day if he chooses to get help and if he can prove to me that he can control his anger and that my son will be safe, if my son wanted to he would be able to see his father.
Answer any questions that she has. She will be fine with it.
Don't go into details and spare her feelings. Just state the facts, your love for her, and how wonderful your hausband and her dad is to her because he loves her.
I wouldn't say he's not your dad............I would say you have another dad. However...............and then explain.

Answer 9

My idiot sister in law just told her oldest (15 this month) that his dad that has been raising him all this time is not his father. My nephew was devastated. He hates his mom and doesn't want anything to do with her and he started acting out he has always been a real good kid but now he tells his "dad" you cant tell me what to do your not my dad. It breaks my brother in laws heart. I wouldn't tell her until she is way older.

Answer 10

You would know better but is it possible he was abusive to you because of your relationship rather than thats what he is? I mean to say he may not be like that with his daughter as they have a different bond.
Has he tried to be in her life?
All of these things would lead you to a better understanding of what his reaction is when the two of them start to form their relationship.
If he is plainly not interested or is simply a nasty person then it will be more likely she will get hurt.
She will find out one day and I would be against lying, but Im not going to advocate that a young girl gets her life turned upside down for an rrrrrs-ole.
MY ex tried to stop me seeing my son saying I was abusive- I wasnt- but it has taken 2 years of working on it for her to begin to relax and its working.
My answer hinges on just what this dad is really about.
Good luck