can you come up with any better jokes than this?

Question

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his
flashlightaround, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a
CD player to place In his sack, a strange, disembodied voice
echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."



He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he Shook
his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score,
then clicked the light on and began searching for more
valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell

he heard, "Jesus is watching you."



Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of
the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot



"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just
trying to warn you."



The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, Huh? who in the world are
you?"



"Moses," replied the bird.



"Moses?" the Burglar laughed .. "What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?"



The Parrot replied "The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus."

Answer 1

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency,we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Answer 2

Try This it made me pmsl
A young Priest newley ordained is about to take his first communion. His bishop seeing that he was nervouse sez to him
"I always have a drink of Vodka b4 I go out there,it helps me relax".
The young priest thinks that this is a great idea and does as the Bishop suggests.
The next day he found this memo from the Bishop on his desk.

1, Sip the vodka don't gulp.

2, There are 10 commandments not 12

3, There are 12 disiples not 10

4, Jesus was consecrated not constipated

5, Jesus wagered his Donkey, He did not bet his ***

6,We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7, The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8, David slew Goliath he did not Kick the Sh*t out of him

9, When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his Donkey, Don't say He was Stoned off his ***

10, We do not refer to the cross as the BIG T.

11, When Jesus broke the Bread at the last supper he did not say EAT ME !

12, The Virgin Mary is not clled Mary with the Cherry

13, The recommended grace b4 a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the Grub YEAH GOD.

14, Next sunday there will be a Taffy pulling contest at ST PETERS, not a Peter Pulling Contest at ST TAFFY'S

Bless You !!!

Answer 3

Embarrassing Moment - First Date

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off."

Answer 4

heard it before, but still good :D Here's one-

Top Ten Ways to Freak out ur roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

Lol, these still make me laugh. Have a good day! :D

Answer 5

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman "Give me a beer please!" The barman is very surprised, after all this is a talking duck! The barman gives the duck his beer and the duck sits drinking it. The barman can't believe he's talking to a duck and says "you're not from round here are you?" "No" replies the duck, "how'd you guess?" "Just lucky"says the barman, "what brings you to these parts?" "Well" says the duck, "I'm looking for work!" "Never" replies the barman, "that's incredible. You won't believe your luck, the circus just came to town, if you go up there, they will definitely give YOU a job." "Why" says the duck, "what would a circus want with a plumber?"

Answer 6

Two friends go on a camping holiday together, on the third day one says to the other "I'm fed up with being with you the whole time, I'm going for a walk" his friend agrees and decides to do the same and walk in the opposite direction.
That evening they meet back up at the tent. " How was your walk?" asks the first man "Oh not so bad "he replies, "quite peaceful. very scenic, how about you?"
"Absolutely fantastic" His friend enthuses " You wont believe what happened to me. I was walking through a field when i came across an old railway track and there tied to the tracks was a young woman. I untied her, pulled her to safety and made love to her all afternoon."
"Wow" says his friend, obviously impressed "That's amazing. Did you get a b.l.o.w. job?"
"No" says his friend dejectedly" "I couldn't find her head"

Answer 7

Here's the classic Monty Python Joke that helped to swing WW2 the way of the allies coz its so funny you'll laugh yourself to death...

"Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!".

Translation:A: My Dog has no nose B: How does it smell? A: Terrible.

Answer 8

a man sitting in at the bar said i wish i could find away to get rid of my wife and a voice in the corner said i'll do it, who are you then, im'e archy the hit man and i'll do it for a pound. a pound. yep. ok every friday at tesco's she goes shopping and she alwayes has a blue hat an coat on and she's always on time 4 o'clock. well on the friday archy's their ready and sure enough she turns up, archy jumps out and strangles her but as he's leaving he spots another lady in the same hat and coat, so he thinks i better do her aswell.
The next day in the paper the headline reads archy chokes two for apound at tesco's

Answer 9

This may be a bit crude and some of you may think i'm disgusting, and i don't usually like jokes like this, but i found this one HILARIOUS!!





Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar.

The first one says my love hole is so big, I can screw three guys at the same time.

The second prostitute says, MY love hole is so big, I can screw a guy's leg up to the knee.

The third one laughs and slides down the stool...

Answer 10

Thor the Norse god of thunder is looking for love, but none of the godesses want anything to do with him.
He decides to come down to earth and find a mortal woman for a night of passion instead.
He finds a good looker, and takes her to a hotel room.
Being a god, he keeps at it all night. Finally her decides she has had enough, and need to tell her who he really is.
"I AM THOR" he commands,
"You're thor!" she says, "I'm tho thor, I can't even pith!!!".