Out stubborn a three year old?

Question

How do you out stubborn a three year old? Our daughter is more stubborn than either one of us. You ask her to do something and look her in the eye and she will sit there and pout and say, "I tant (can't) or It's too hard". In order to get her to do somethings I will count to five and she won't move until I am saying Fi...... . Even that doesn't work all the time. We have tried utlimatums and rewards, nothing has worked. Any suggestions? We do not believe in corporal punishment ;-), spanking or mental abuse or scare tactics. Serious replies only, PLEASE. Reply ONLY if you are a parent.

Thank you.

Answer 1

Good for you for not spanking! Many feel that spanking a child or using mental abuse or scare tactics are a way to discipline their child. These are punishments! Children need to be disciplined.

She is trying to find ways to feel powerful. She finds this power when she acts stubborn. Help her to feel powerful in positive ways. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic motivators ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help her to feel powerful.

Offer her choices. “Do you want to put your toys away by yourself or do you want some help?” “Do you want to get dressed by yourself or do you want some help?” She will most likely comply with your wishes.

Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your daughter misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if your child throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If she makes a mess, she cleans it. If she breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If she draws on the wall, she wipes it off or her markers get taken away until she is ready to use them on paper. Let the type of discipline you use fit the crime.

Another technique you can try when daughter is misbehaving is this. As soon as she misbehaves, get down to her level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take her gently by the hand and put her in a spot in your home (her room, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (listen, stop, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling your child). She returns when she is ready to control herself. You may have to take her back to the spot a few times before she gets the message. Thank her when she behaves.

Find ways to help her learn to express emotions. Say things like "I can tell that you are (upset, angry, mad, hurt, frustrated). What can we do about that?"

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 2

I am sorry you are having such a hard time with your three year old. It is kind of the nature of the beast so to speak. She is showing her independance. You didn't say how long this has been going on, or if she has a sibling? The only advice I can give you is to be consistent. If you tell her, for example, if you do not pick up your toys you will not be able to watch Dora. You have to do what you say, and she cannot be allowed to watch Dora. You have to be believable. If you are not, she will just think that you are a liar. As harsh as that sounds, it is true. Rewards do work, sometimes. But it has to be something rare, something she really wants. Maybe special time with you. Keep in mind she is only three. She's testing you and it will probably get worse before it gets better. I am sure you have noticed she goes from big girl to baby and back again. Be patient, loving, and kind. Reassure her that you love her, but always be consistant, no matter how hard it is, or how tired you are. Do not give in. Also, keep in mind, she's just saying no or I can't. Atleast she's not throwing tantrums, hitting, biting, or worse. I have a four year old nephew, with very inconsistent parents...older parents...first time parents...My sister is 42 and her husband is 53, their child is a holy terror for them, and angel at pre school. I wish you the best of luck. Funny thing, I usually teach a different age group, but this school term I am taking a class of older threes!!

Answer 3

To a three year old any attention is good attention. When you count she is getting your undivided attention. Why not wait until you get all the way to five? Counting can work. I suggenst you read the book or get the movie, 123, Magic, from a local library or any bookstore. He teaches you how to count and it really works!!!! A lot of his theory is based around the ideas that we bring to much emotion into disciplining our children. We get upset, frustrated, angry, or impatient and our children read into it. HE suggests you must let go of all emotion. It makes sense and a difference in my opinion. Also when one counts one should be sure to count 123 without out any in between conversations or bargains. When a parent says one then continues with something like, you better do it or I will say two the child feels he will be able to push you on the matter furthur. Also makes sense. Make those hard to get done things fun and make every experience a learning one. Play games, make up songs, offer stickers, and most importantly praise every good action. Catch your child being good and they will continue to do it for attention. Oh and give yourselves credit as parents I bet you are doing a fine job. Three is an age where a battle for independence and still wanting to be mommy and daddy's little girl begins. She is having an inner battle. Plus they suddenly can use there words, and let me say they can sting. I strongly believe three is am more challenging age than two.

Answer 4

First off you have lost control. Your daughter no longer thinks of you or your husband as the leaders of the family. She thinks she is the boss and from the behavior you describe -- she is.

Three year olds understand far more than we adults give them credit for. She is testing the limits of what she can get away with and will continue to push the limits as long as you let her.

First off from now on when you tell her to do something give a reasonable time to do it. example --- pick up her toys. 2-3 minutes come back if she has not started to pick up the toys remind her that she is is to follow your instructions "now" when she is told to do something. Tell her to pick them up again and emphisize the word "now" If she pouts or says no or any of the usual responses get a chair place it facing a corner take her to it and place her on it facing the corner. Tell her this is a "time out" from everything. No TV. No Toys. No dolls. No nothing just her and the corner. Usually, time outs should last no more than 10 minutes. Do not talk to her Do not pay attention to her. Do not allow for distractions to occupy her. At the end of the 10 minutes go back to her, take her to her toys and direct her to pick up her toys. She will probably rebel in which case take her back to the chair and go another round. Unless she is an extremely stubborn child, and some are, then about the third time she will probably pick up her toys. When she is done thank her for picking them up and praise her for the good work. She will begin to realize that she will get praise when she does what she is told to do and punishment "time outs" when she doesn't.

IF she is an unusually stubborn child you may need some professional help getting her behavioral problems under control. Additionally, if she is unusually smart or gifted, YOU need to get some counceling to cope with a stubborn and or smart/gifted child.

Answer 5

Okay - getting away from the discipline aspect here. Your daughter tells you 'I can't or it's too hard," right? This might be an opportunity for positive reinforcement. Explain to her that she CAN do it - do it with her and remind her that she can do it and keep over-emphasizing the good job that she is doing. We're into that with our 3 y/o boy. Hubby thinks he says "I can't do it" and "it's too hard" because he just doesn't want to do it - lazy. I am finding that all the kudos he's receiving (as we're making a big deal out of it) is far more beneficial to him than just telling him that he needs to do it. We personally don't use the counting method and we've been having success with the positive reinforcement. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't work all the time - at times like that we go to time outs. Just another perspective - and another opportunity to boost your childs' self esteem.

Answer 6

Well, not getting caught up in their power struggles helps. How to do this is to state very clearly and without emotion what you expect. Remember that she's 3 so no long instructions, just the immediate thing you need her to do. If it is chores you are trying to get her to do, a reward chart is something that is a great incentive to do stuff; once it is ingrained, you switch what it is they are being rewarded for. However, for poor behaviour, have an agreed upon thing like, if not going to bed when expected, no t.v. tomorrow (or five minutes and time it, then have them earn more t.v. time) that sort of thing, but the important thing is following through with it. If you say you are going to take away their favorite toy, do it. For my son the big thing was nintendo. He yelled and screamed when we took it away but now, just the threat and he knows we're serious. Using a kitchen timer to time things you expect her to do (or how much time she has left before bed for instance) is a very good way to teach her time and to let her know how much time she has.

Answer 7

Hi, I understand that you are looking for some advice or resources to help fully train your dog or fix behavior problems. If a professional dog trainer is not an option at this time, or if you want to trt training your dog on your own (a great way to bond), I'd suggest you https://biturl.im/aU7Ch

A friend recommened it to me a few years ago, and I was amazed how quickly it worked, which is why I recommend it to others. The dog training academy also has as an excellent home training course.

Answer 8

I know this is a tired resolution, but it works, time out, 1 minute for every minute she doesn't do what you want. You have to be the one to show you are in control. If she cries and screams and throws a fit, then let her do it, even in public don't worry about looking foolish or embarassed, people have kids that do the exact same thing. My daughter plays her "battle of wills" with me all the time, but I however, do believe in spanking.

Answer 9

I'll keep it short and simple. You have to ALWAYS follow through with what you threaten. If you say do this or else... you need to do it. I don't consider this scare tactics but cause and effect. If you are consistant she WILL learn even if it takes a bit of time.

Answer 10

She is picking up on your predetermined belief that "she is more stubborn than either one of you." You have to belief that you have more will-power and then follow-through with that, because that's the only way to be the parent instead of the child. You aren't doing her any favors by letting her "win," so when you are digging in your heels, remind yourself that it's not because you are a meanie, it's because you are doing it for her.