Teen troubles. I'm a single Mom. Help!?

Question

My husband was an alcoholic/ drug addict and died in an alcohol-related drowning. He was extremely abusive, and just prior to his death, we had separated. How do I get through this? My 15-year old son rages at me all the time, saying he hates me and wishes I were dead. How do I get through this storm?

Answer 1

Even though your son and you were abused by your husband, he is still hurting from his death. Your son needs to be in counseling and so do you. Go individually and together. Your son may have a problem with alcohol and or drugs now or in the future. He needs more help than you can give him. He will probably fight you on this issue. Be firm. Don't give in. Keep letting him know that you love him not matter what. He will get through this and so will you.

Answer 2

First of all, my heart goes out to you. I would try to find an Ala-Non meeting for yourself. You will find people there that may be in your exact situation and can offer very good advice cuz they've been there. Maybe your son should go to Ala-teen but I have heard that some kids have started using by meeting kids at the meetings that use. Your son needs counseling. If it helps any, 15 is an age where lots of teenage boys act like that and his fathers death makes it a whole lot worse. You have to sit him down and say "Look, we are both going through hard times and I need you to stick together with me and not make it any harder on either of us". You need to find ways to foster a healthier relationship with him. Take time to sit with him to discuss concerns. Help him get active in doing things to help run the house. You need to find positive things to do that make you happy. Whatever you do, don't hole yourself up in the house and please don't start abusing drugs/alcohol yourself. I sure hope as time goes by you heal and things brighten up for you.

Answer 3

He is going through a tough age and will be for a few years. Have you ever sat him down and talked to him about why he says hurtful things to you at a time when he is not angry? Sometimes the best way to find something out is to ask and to actually want to hear the answer. He might be having problems coping with his father's death and also might be experiencing guilt for wanting him to die sometimes. He might also be transferring some of that guilt to you by thinking that it was your fault that his father was such a bad man. If you have a way to get counseling it might be something to think about. For you, him and the two of you together. I hope that you will find the answers you seek, but also remember that it's not unheard of for perfectly normal teenagers to rebel and generally become unpleasant. Don't be too hard on yourself or him. You've both had a lot to deal with and it can't be easy for either of you.

Answer 4

Part of being a teenager is trying to make your own decisions. This almost always results in some form of rebellion against their parents. This is normal, and it is getting in the way of your relationship. When I was between 16-18, it seems I could never talk to my father without it becoming an argument, which just made both of us, and my poor mother, feel even worse.

I think that this problem is way beyond the simple adolescent acting out. You probably know that abusive parents breed abusive children. He may not be hitting you (yet), but he is still abusing you; at least in some way. I hate to say this, but I don't think that a lot of the answers you have gotten even address this problem. They seem to be trying to cure you of a headache while you are actually facing something much larger, like a brain tumor. I would start small, get some male adult to talk with him, and then seek professional help. To me it sounds like this problem is way out of your control and you need to reach out to a professional.

I suggest that you find a male role model willing to talk with your son. Your family priest would be a good place to start. A school counselor might help. This kind of problem is exactly why groups like Big Brother were formed.
Big Brothers: http://www.bbbsaz.org/bigbrother-bigsister.html
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/Home.htm
(Any website with a .org in it means it is a federal government run website so you can trust them.)

If you can't find anything like that then check out some Internet sites:
http://www.familyfirstaid.org/contact_us.htm
Troubled Teens: 866-372-4144
Oppositional Defiant Disorder:
http://www.aacap.org/page.ww?section=Facts+for+Families&name=Children+With+Oppositional+Defiant+Disorder
This appears to be exactly your and his problem.
http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/oddcd/oddcdpamphlet.htm
Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-disorder/DS00630
Will be a good place to start and get some advice you can trust.
A support group's site: http://www.conductdisorders.com/

If you do get some help feel free to drop me a note, I wish you both luck.

Answer 5

Personally I think you both need counseling.Now if my son ever did that I would definitely send his azz to a rehab for some sorta counseling no kid needs to bad mouth their mother he needs to be thankful and remember who brought him into this world But try counseling maybe a school counselor can help you out with this ordeal otherwise try ignoring him and if he gets abusive towards you call the cops and have them put him in juvenile detention..Good luck

Answer 6

man oh man im sorry for your loss...your son on the otherhand is a teenager whether or not your husband was abusive or not living or even if he was living your fifteen your old would still hate you thats his job...hes a teenager. just be patient and tell him how much you love him. he has a right to be upset angry hurt all of those greiving emotions...i promise you he doesnt wish you dead nor does he hate you hes typical......a hormonal teenager..he will get past it and so will you just be strong and show and tell him you love him...signed mother of a trying prepubescent son...

Answer 7

have you tried sitting down and actually hashing it out with him. I used to be very cruel to my mom (we have a great relationship now) but the only thing that really ever got through to either of us was going through all the hate and anger till we actually found out what the problem was. Also you might tell him to back off for a while that you are going through enough already. good luck though.

Answer 8

This is going to sound like I do not care and am an ogar but here goes:

For yourself --- GET SOME COUNSELING. NOW!!! This is the only thing that will help give you immediate help and peace of mind.

For your son -- GET HIM SOME COUNSELING TOO!!!!!!! Your son is angry to the point of acting out his fear and frustrations and he is venting on you.

Unless you both get the counseling you very desperately need and soon someone is going to get physically hurt, on top of the emotional pain you are both going through.

GET THE HELP NOW DO NOT WAIT ANOTHER DAY. DO IT NOW.

Answer 9

hey,
to get through this you need to talk to yourself, and reassure yourself....everything WILL be fine.
regarding your son, don't force him to do things, try negotiating, still be interested, but step back a bit, he may feel that he needs more space. saying he hates you and wishes you were dead, is a very emotional thing he probably doesn't fully mean it, he may have felt closer to his father as he is also male, but many other reasons may be there...just try talking to him, ask him if he would like to see someone, again do not force things.
i hope things work out for you good luck.

Answer 10

He is blaming you for his father's death. Seek counseling for him and for both of you together. With your husband being so abusive, your son needs help so that he may not turn out to be that way also.