Parenting tips?? Please help!!?

Question

My husband is coming home from Iraq in two months, and my son hasn't really seen him since he was 7 months. They see each other on webcam and talk on the phone/mic alot, and since he left from leave (feb) my son has taken it really hard. He won't sleep in his own bed anymore, he's extremely clingy, he's sleep walking, and recently he has been throwing fits for no reason.. He fights going to sleep, and he whines alot. He is now 18 months and I know it's going to be big adjustment when daddy comes back home, but I still have a little over two months to go and I am at wits end. I don't know anyone that can watch him and he makes himself sick if he is away from me for more than 30min. I need to put in more of a structure and discipline for him and get him to stop these fits and to sleep in his own bed.. but I am unsure of how to go about this, this past year has been VERY stressful someone please help! Any tips on getting him to his own bed, stopping these fits, everything and anything!!!

Answer 1

Your son misses his father; it's natural.

These fits he's putting up are in part because he doesn't understand why this father figure that he probably at least vaguely remembers can talk to him and chat with him and hear him, and yet can't be THERE. It's made worse by having seen him when he was on leave.

This isn't necessarily a discipline/structure problem as much as it is a psychological problem.

Answer 2

Start now to make a point of him sleeping in his own bed. A night light, a special stuffed toy...whatever it takes. Make a game of it, and once he's in bed, stay with him to read a book or play a quiet game. That is the reward for being in his own bed. But if he insists on your bed, then it's lights out and no fun. He will soon get the message. There will be an adjustment period when your husband returns but it may go more smoothly than you think. Try leaving him for short periods of time then come back...so he realizes you are not going to leave. Keep talking to him about his daddy coming home and how much fun that will be, and how daddy will see his big boy soon. That may give him confidence. It's difficult to reason with an 18 month old, but I wish you the best of luck. AND THANK YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND...for his service in Iraq and for your sacrifice and service here. I wish you all the best and hope he returns safely and soon!

Answer 3

As far as getting him to his own bed... you'll have to be determined to follow through once you start (and don't break or you'll be in a bigger pickle than you're in right now).
First night... put him in his bed and tell him that he's a big boy and can sleep by himself. No doubt he'll throw a fit... so pull up a chair by his crib/bed and sit there so that he knows you're there. Don't look at him, don't talk to him, just sit by him. He'll probably stand up and cry (alot), and everytime he does this, place him back down on the bed and tell him it's time to go to sleep (don't take him out of the bed - and if he crawls out, immediately place him back in bed). It might take hours before this happens, but eventually he'll get tired enough. I have heard that some children will pretty much cry the entire night and barely get any sleep... so be prepared. Depending on how the first night goes, repeat the same process the second night. Again have a chair by his bed and sit there so he can see you (but not touch you). The idea is to gradually work your way further away from the bed... and out the room. I'm sure you've heard this method so often. It really works. Just be determined that you'll be doing this for the next few days to a couple of weeks. You should see a drastic improvement within 2-4 days of starting this. Unfortunately, you'll be very sleep deprived (and I know how frustrating that is), but the end result will make you so much happier. I suffered through 7 nights of screaming, crying (alot on my own part), and feeling like a zombie... but like a miracle, it worked... and I've never looked back.
At his age, he's experiencing separation anxiety. Chances are you probably haven't given him the opportunity to spend time away from you when he was younger (I'm guessing). It's normal behavior, but you don't have to put up with the fits. He doesn't throw a fit for no reason. He's obviousely getting something from you, otherwise he wouldn't waste his time. If you're giving him the attention when he's in a fit, he'll continue to do it. It gets results. You have to remain calm and get down to his level and explain that mommy will not tolerate nauty behavior... and praise him when he's being good. I always say... it's the parent that needs to dicipline themselves before the kids will take part. It's tough to admit, but it's the truth. Once you set your mind that you're going to stick to your guts, kids will usually follow what is expected of them.
I hope my advice helps. I'm sure you'll see the same advice over and over again. It's because most everyone goes through this at some point... and the techniques work.
Good luck... don't dispair... one day you won't even remember this phase!

Answer 4

You poor thing! I would definitely get him used to his own bed before daddy comes home. My son didn't have a bed until he was two. I would suggest a crib so that he is more contained. Positively during the day mention a couple of times that tonight 'you'll be sleeping in your own crib tonight'. Be loving and affectionate, and don't let him see you second guess yourself. Do the bedtime routine, put him in the crib, blow him a kiss, and shut the door. Only go in once (I'm sure he'll be screaming) to reassure him of your existance and love. ONLY ONCE. I promise, after letting him sleep with you for so long, it will break your heart to hear him cry, but he will stop, he will fall asleep on his own, and everyone will be better off for it. When he wakes up in the middle of the night, only go in to reassure him once, rock him if you must, but don't leave the room with him. If he wakes up a second time, let him cry. Always make sure you are loving, smiling, empathetic, and attentive when you are with him during this difficult time.
I know it sounds mean, but it really is one of the best things you can do for your child. You've already admitted that he needs to have more discipline, you just need support. Men are typically the discipline parent, so depending on your husband, you could lean on him for help. (my husband is not much help to me in that area; I do all the limit setting with our son).
Um, ignore the fits. Don't react negatively or positively. Act like they are not even happening. It's a phase he'll eventually grow out of. Good luck!
And by the way, I'm so appreciative of your husband for what he's doing. It's men like him that make this country what it is. Great. Thank you for being a great wife for him!

Answer 5

I know its hard on you having the love of your life away and at such critical part of your son's life. But you do need some boundaries and if you don't start setting them now, it will only get harder, especially when your hubby gets home, it could get worse.
I would tell him that daddy's coming home soon and you want him to be a big boy for him and daddy will be so proud if he is. He will relate somewhat because, even at his age, he wants to be like daddy. Also, at bedtime, after a FULL day of rigorous playing in fresh air, and a good dinner and bath. Put him in HIS bed, but don't leave him alone, that's what he's afraid of. Stay next to his bed, just out of his reach, but where you can touch him. Sing to him his favorite song or some lullaby with actual words. Teach it to him and have him sing it with you, every other night, be a little further from his bed until finally you are at the door, but singing with him. When he falls asleep, shut the door and leave him a monitor so he can hear you moving around if he wakes up. One night, he'll slep and you won't hear from him till morning.
As for the tantrums, no matter the reason for them, do NOT give in. Put him in his room and tell him he can't come out till he's done. He will probably throw things in there, but don't interfere with it unless you hear glass breaking or something like that. He will wear himself out, but get that negative energy out in the process. Remember, you CAN NOT pay attention to him when he's like that or you will only reinforce the behavior. When he settles down, go to the door and listen for a minute and if he reakky has settled, go in, say "I love you, but I don't like your fits." He will want to hug you, do it, with gusto and tickles and drop it. Baby's have short term memories and he won't remember what the fit was about, especially if it lasted a long time. Just let it go as if it never happened.
If the sleep walking continues past these milestones, get a doctor's advice, it could be something else.
Hopefully the clinginess will abate with the bed ritual if you stick to it.
Good luck and lots of heartfelt joy at your husband's return!
We will pray for him and you, have fun when he gets back.

Answer 6

Okay did I write this in my sleep and didn't know it??? Okay my husband is coming back in 3 months, not 2 and my son is/was the same age when he left. As for his behavior, he's too young all this reaction has nothing to do with your husband being gone, it has more to do with how you interact with him on a day to day basis. I understand it is really hard to be his only parent, but we HAVE to do it because they have to go, that's their job, ours is to hold down the homestead while their gone. Your husband will be disappointed that you let him behave this way (or if he ISN'T he SHOULD be). My children have two different personalities (I have 2) but one thing is neither one of them has EVER been allowed to sleep in my bed (unless they were sick, and as SOON as they were better they were out again, and believe me we went through a LOT of fits for that). A lot of his behavior is just his age, I swear mine is hitting the terrible twos early, he says NO to everything, and cries when I won't give him cookies. I say TOO BAD! His fits and his tantrums are his way to test his limits and find out where his authority stands, and right now you're letting HIM be the boss! My son puts his fingers down his throat and gags (sometimes throws up) to get my attention, when he does that, I swat his hand, and go back to ignoring him (intentionally), when he stops I lavish love and attention on him, that way he sees that when he does that not only does he get swatted but he does NOT get the attention from me he so very much wants. When he stops he sees he GETS the attention he wants, so it's positve and negative renforcement. As far as getting him back in his own bed, just DO IT! And don't give in, it will be a couple of hard nights but if you can be tough he will crack in a couple of days and be over it. I've recently stopped rocking my son to bed and opted for putting him to bed at a certain time (after I sit and "cuddle" with him in the recliner for a few minutes, if during this time he starts to throw a fit I put him to bed then and there, so he sees that mommy will hold him if he's good, and put him to bed if he acts up. You also have to realize that a lot of the stress you are experiencing is stressing your son out. He can feel your anxiety over your husband being gone so long (because believe me that last month is the most stressful). I have been through three deployments (well this is my third) and have had at least one child during all three deployments. I know how hard this is, and there are thousands of us military wives out there that go through the pain of being the only parent, and it's TOUGH! Talk to your FRG leader, find out who your unit rear dettachment Chaplain is and go in and have a talk with him, so to ACS, they can put you in touch with a social worker, or a councellor, and maybe some parenting classes. The point is you don't need to go this alone! You feel overwhelmed, and that's understandable, the great thing about this is your a part of the military community and it will reach out to you if you ask for help! We're like one huge extended family there for each other!

Answer 7

Honey, don't blame all this on his dad being gone. Blame it on normal problems for this age. It sounds like he had been playing on your feeling guilty because his dad is gone. Stop that right now. It sounds like he is having more interaction with his dad than a lot of kids have when their dad is living with him. Routine, routine, routine is the only answer. Find a ritual that you can start for bedtime that involves his dad in someway. (Play tapes of his dad reading astory to him that you two can follow along with at home). Do you do a bath every night? If so, when? Maybe bath, booktime, song time, then lights out and don't come back in the room to comfort him after that. YOu are going to have to find a way to deal with him crying for awhile until he accepts that this is the way its going to be. And trust me, it will be hard and take a while, but well worth it.
Also, talk with your local military support. I'm sure they have plenty of knowledge about this and can help you out. Also other military wives.
Thank you and your husband for the sacrifices both of you are making for this country.

Answer 8

He should be sleeping in his own bed. if you let get used t sleeping with you then wehnn hubby gets home and he has to go back to his room he will resent your husband for kciking him out. It will be very hard but he needs to stay in his own bed. Maybe some music or something playing in his room will help him sleeep or maybe a recording of your husband played at bed time will help him sleep. You have a loonnngg road ahead, Good luck. and may god watch your husband.

Answer 9

I know you say you want him in his own bed...but, would it hurt to let him sleep with you? It seems he might have some separtion issues due to your husband leaving for Iraq. He might just need that extra comfort and reassurance of you next to him when he sleeps. Maybe he's afraid you won't be there when he wakes?
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time and I hope you get the answers you need.

Answer 10

do activities dureing the day so by the time bed time gets here he is almost already to pass out and if he still isnt asleep when you put him in bed and he whines a little lay with him for 5 to 10 minutes and rub his back lightly. that should comfort him also try baths before bed with calming shampoo and body wash. plus make sure he isnt hungry or try reading to him. or rocking him. good luck hun.