My family has fallen apart and I need advice...?

Question

I'm 27 and I have a family of my own but my parents just got a divorce a year ago and since then I have been in the middle of all their stuff. My brother is no longer speaking to my Dad becasue of it and I am the only one still trying to keep communication with both of them. This is causing a lot of problems for me because my Mom feels like I am not taking her side. She also doesn't understand why I don't want my kids around her boyfriend much (I just found out that he runs drugs for extra money). I am considering moving to get out of the middle of all this drama because it is really keeping me stressed. Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do?

Answer 1

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation.

You need to make clear to mom that your number one priority is your own family. You can't take sides in a divorce - you love each of your parents for differing reasons, but love is something that cannot be compared or thought of in terms of taking sides. Try if you can to make this clear to mom.

Also, running drugs is serious business. You can tell mom that the only time you bring the kids around is when he is not around. It is in the best interest of the kids, and they have to be number one for you.

I would say let dad and your brother come to terms with things on their own. It sounds like you want to be the glue to hold everything together - and as much as you would like this to happen, it really is not a manageable thing to do.

Set up very clear rules on visiting with your kids, be prepared to use the word 'no' if something is not acceptable to you.

Also, find a trustworthy friend, or a pastor, someone that you can trust with your emotions. Your carrying way to much on your plate right now, and you need to give yourself a break.

Take it easy. Much love.

Answer 2

Moving will not solve your feelings and a phone call is all it takes to get you right back in the middle of it. My suggestion is to first of all make sure that their situation is not effecting your own family, if there are young children a bitter battle is no place for them and it is hard to understand. As for you letting each parent know that you still love them no mater what and that you will not take sides. For the respect of you as their child that they had out of love ask them politely to stop putting you in the middle. It is easy for parents to regress to a teenage state of mind while going through a divorce. Please keep this in mind for their sake. Try to say only nice things and definitely don't intensify it by revealing to one what the other might have said. After time it will settle down just give it some time. As far a the drug dealer you made a wonderful choice to keep your children away and that is a much more serious problem that I would suggest talking to a professional about. There are hot lines that you can call to turn someone in anonymously so they can check the situations out. Good Luck to you and your family.

Answer 3

i am 28 i have 3 kids my parents liked to never have divorced..but that was because my father was mean..

Sometimes families just need time to regroup and talk things out
I dont know how you would stop loving someone..and how your family could exspect you to not want things like they was but divorced. Your still a child who represented there love at one time and it would be hard to forget that but at the same time i could see where your mom could think you wasnt on her side

Is there a way you could tell your mom that you want things to be as they was and everyone to get along and its not a case of who is right or wrong but that you love everyone and dont want them to forget this?

It is your soul responibility to see about your kids and make sure they are safe reguardless of your mom as sadly as it may sound..maybe it would be better to move away and give everyone some time so your not directly in the middle..

The stress can make it hard on ur family and ur kids as well..as it probally does.. I found that my inlaws moving away from me has made it so i have more time to think about my family and my situations and its not so much drama..

I hope something i said helped i know you must be hurting i am so sorry for your pain and i hope things get better and you find peace..once again..

Answer 4

Tell your parents that their relationship and their opinions about the other parent has NOTHING to do with their relationship with you, and if they say anything about the other parent tell them you don't want to talk about it, and if they don't get the point hang up the phone (after saying a quick and FIRM goodbye), walk away, physically remove yourself from them, and only agree to call back, or come back when they can live with those terms. As far as your mother's boyfriend and his drug habit you have every right to keep your children away from that, and you do NOT have to be ashamed of it, tell your mom EXACTLY why you don't want your kids around that scum, tell her you love her and want to be around HER but if she wants to chose a relationship with this man over her own flesh and blood it's her own choice, you are just doing what any good mother would do by protecting your children. Move if you need, to I definately would!!! But I also know saying that is a million times easier than actually doing it, especially if you like your community and have a good solid job. If you have to do what I did with my mom when she and I started having problems, I would only communicate with her through email or written mail, mostly written mail, and I would talk about the kids and what they were up to, I would talk about things going on at my work, you know "safe" topics, after a couple of years of this we started to be able to have phone conversations, and I even invited her over to my house after 4 years, for Thanksgiving (I did it when I knew there would be other people around AND it was my terf, she knew from experience I had NO qualms about pitching her out of my house if it came to that). You might have to do the same thing with your parents, tell them you love them, and you want a good relationship with each them, and this is NOT about taking sides, but rather keeping your sanity. I hope you find peace in your relationships with your family, and I hope this helps (worse case scenario go see a therapist, they will help you through this). Much love!

Answer 5

It would be much better for your kids to get out of that situation. It really is none of your business anyway, except that they are family. If that is the only reason to stay, I would take one look at my kids, sense the chaos in the house and get the hell out.
It is not worth it.
Find an apartment across town and make it work for you. Think of your children first.
I mean, the man is a drug dealer...what kind of people will he be bringing home? And your kids are there???
I don't think so...

Best of luck to you!

Answer 6

yes, stay out of it. tell ur mom & dad that u love them both dearly & equaly, and tell ur mom, that until she gives her bf the heave ho, u will not bring ur kids 2 her house. she can visit them at urs, but no bf with her. and explain y[altho she should know y]dont b a messenger 4 them either. if 1 has something 2 say 2 the other, tell them 2 do it theirselves. u r not the mailman. b firm and stand ur ground. and if u feel the need 2 move 2 get some peace, then do it. good luck .

Answer 7

You almost said it...........get out of the middle of it. Let them figure out their own chaos, you do not need to be a part of it.....just because you are related. You do not need to move to be able to tell them you cannot be a part of this anymore. It makes you uncomfortable and it is their job to not involve you in it. What mother wouldn't understand why someone wouldn't want grandchildren around a drug dealer???? Seriously, stand your ground and remove yourself from all of this drama...you sound like a very smart woman and don't let your mother bring you down just because she's your mother. You be the mother she couldn't be!!!

Answer 8

my best advice for you is to (if you believe in God) to get down on your knees and ask God for strength and wisdom 1st for yourself and then for your mom and dad. there could be plenty of reasons why this happening but the important thing is to listen. the bible says to be swift to listen and slow to speak. It also states that a soft answer turns away wrath. I support your decision in not having your kids in that environment believe me i have been in a situation that you or your family wouldn't like if drugs are involved. The biggest thing i can tell you is trust God that He will work "HIS" will not yours God doesn't work our schedule and will not start. So don't be selfish in prayer or you will end up disappointed.

Answer 9

Go to each parent, individually and tell them exactly how you feel. That you are upset, you love them but you can't take sides. Tell them in no uncertain terms, you, nor your children will be dragged into it.

And additionally, tell your mom your suspicions of her boyfriend and that she will have to come to you to see the kids. Your first priority is your kids and if the situation cannot improve, do what you have to even if it means moving.

Answer 10

God said, that when you get marry your spouse and your children become your family, your Mon and dad they become your second family. you need to worry about your family first make sure the are living in a safe environment. the only way you could help your mom and dad is to pray for them, ask God for guidance and believe and your prayers will be answer.
God bless you.