How can I talk to my fourteen year old?

Question

My son is hard to talk to.He has suck a attitude when he talks to me or his dad.Then when we ground him because of the way we are talked to .He says stuff like- I don't care anymore.He gets really angry.he's going through alot with this girl that he was dating.And now her mother has laid rules that this girl cannot date untill she's 15.So he cant go over there anymore.Problem is she lives across the street! Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Don't ever stop disciplining him when he is being disrespectful...that is NEVER OK. If he is having a hard time talking to you or dad or anybody....he is 14 after all.... buy a very masculine, hardcover journal and put it on his pillow. Write him a note on the first page...kind of like a contract, stating something like:
We, your mother and your father (sign for the added dramatics) agree to read any question written in this journal, no matter what the subject matter and answer without judgment..... nor will we assume that just because you asked the question it is about you. We also agree not to talk about what was asked any further unless you approach us personally or with another question asking for us to.

My hubby and I did this with both of our teenagers and personally, I think it may have saved one of our kids lives. Also, we know who has tried pot, who is thinking of sex (please help me!), who thinks drinking is "mad gross" and who is in love with a friends girl! Now when we have dinner and we talk about personal experiences they really seem to listen and not just think that we are trying to tell them what to do! Good luck and let us know how things work out for you all!

Answer 2

Don't feel bad, you are not alone. Your son is being a typical teenager. What you are going to have to do or at least try to do is have a little family sit down meeting and be prepared for a lot of attitude but stay firm and insist he attends. Remember, you are his parents and the adults and remind him of this, but not in a condisending way. There will have to be some give and take or this simply won't work. Explain to him that you have no control over what his girlfriend's parents do but that maybe you would be willing to talk with her parents, if he would be willing to do a few things for you. Tell him that you don't appreciate the way he has been treating you. That if he has a problem with something he can always discuss it with you and then you will try and work it out so that it will be mutually acceptable to the both of you. But you, as the parents will have to mean this also. Remember, 14 year olds are going through all kinds of hormonal changes and have a hard time controlling these ourbursts most of the time. It's just the nature of the beast. It can be compared to a woman going through menopause and her moodswings. Most kids love their Grandparents and would never think of hurting them. Maybe if you used them as a comparison of what would he think if you where to ever treat them the way he has been treating you? Or use someone else that might get it through to him how hurtful he has been. As for grounding, most of the time it doesn't work. Try taking something away from him that he really loves instead, like his computer for a week, a video game or TV priveldeges. Tell him though if you start to see that he is making an attempt to change his behavior you will talk to his girlfriends parents and see if you can't work out something where the 2 of them can't get together at her house while her parents are there or something. I'm sure that's not what he had in mind but if he really likes her it's better than nothing. You might also mention that maybe if he changes his attitude, that may also help him to be able to see his girlfriend a little sooner. Fret not, if all else fails, this faze will only last another 3-4 years so hang in there. Just be glad you don't have a daughter. Now there's a hormonal challenge! Good luck Mom!

Answer 3

Well, does he have any siblings? Sometimes having brothers and sisters can cause stress. Trust me, I have a three year old brother and 3 month old sister. They bug me so I tend to stay away from the family. Try doing activities with your son that are related to his age, find out what he like to do. If he gets attitude don't ground him or get snappy, try asking if anythings bothering him. As for the girlfriend...well cant help much there, my dad put the dating rule on me too:) Hope this helps:)

Answer 4

It seems like punishing him doesn't help the situation because it just makes him take life less seriously in general. Instead, you should help him realize that even if he can't hang out with this girl, he still has you guys to spend time with. It is pretty hard to find common ground sometimes, but ask him if you can play video games with him every once in a while, or something.

Answer 5

I would try and develop some sort of relationship with the girls parents also and see what you can come up with together. Face it even though they are 14 and 15 if they really want to see one another they will find a way. If there realtionship becomes forbidden it may just become more of a temptation to both of them. If they are able to see one another in supervised settings they may just grow tired of each other and the relationship could die down on its own.

Answer 6

I find that teenage boys talk when they are busy doing something - for example go shoot some basketball with him or toss a football. Boys tend to open up with they are engaged in physical activity.

Why don't you invite the girl across the street to do things with your family. That way he isn't really dating her but is able to spend supervised time with her.

You son sounds like he may have some sign of depression. You may want to see if he is willing to go to counselor.

Answer 7

Years ago the question, " To spank or not to spank " was never thought of. Parents recognized their authority, and did so with their children. There was no " back-talk ", our homes were adult-controlled. Today our homes are mostly controlled by the child with little respect for authority. I totally believe that parents today are afraid of there children, that they are afraid to use the word
" NO " , or if they say it, they don't make it stick.
The end result of giving our children their own way is seen in the increase of juvenile violence, delinquency, drug abuse, sexual freedoms etc..
There is two essential ingredients in raising respectful, responsible children and that is " love and discipline ". If either is absent, disaster results.
It seems to me that your son has complete control in your home. Your husband and yourself need to take back control from your son. Of course you have to earn his respect, and then you have to command it.
When your son deliberately defies you, by word or action, you need to take some realistic woodshed therapy. When either parent issues a command and he flounts it, he is daring the both of you to take him on. So who's going to win here. If you don't meet him head on and win decisively, he will set up other battles, again and again.
He wants to be controlled but, rightly or wrongly, he is telling you to earn the right to control him.
Punishment which is doled out in fickle inconsistency, according to your moods, confuses a child. Discipline given in a harsh, unloving attitude can destroy him also. Explain your rules and the punishment for breaking those rules and enforce them in a firm, controlled manner. Strongly believe that punishment is not something that your doing to your son, it's something that your doing for him. You cannot look for the easy way or flinch from your responsibility of proper discipline. An undisciplined child is an unhappy child who will eventually become an unsuccessful, unproductive adolescent and adult. Naturally your child will turn against the ones who should have prepared him for life, your reward will be their hate.
Also 14 yr. old is way too young to be dating and that might be a starting point in gaing control back.

Answer 8

Whatever you do make sure it brings you closer together not further apart. Never speak to him with disrespect. When he speaks to you with disrepect point out that disrepect is childish and not a productive way to communicate. Then tell him it is not appropriate within the family AND DO NOT ALLOW IT. He has something that you can take from him video games, car, priveledges that will hammer home the point if it doesn't stop. By the way a 14y/o has NO BUSINESS dating.

Answer 9

im still in my teens but i can remember being 14. it sucked and my parents didnt exactly help. girl problems for him are not your problems. if i ever had/have relationship problems, its not an excuse for w/e i do to my parents. another thing i realized going through my teens is that dating is so much easier when you're more mature. its a possibility that the girls parents are doing the right thing...for your sons sake. guys are rough, but teenage girls can be brutal. but besides that, grounding your son wont ever do anything. im not at all telling you to beat him but nothing my parents said ever made a difference to me, i literally didnt care. you need him to have respect for you and he isnt going to if u just ground him. i hate to say it, but looking back on it, i wish my parents disciplined me better 'cause i lost alot of respect for them that they couldnt control me better. your son will be OK, so will his girlfriend and so will you. its a matter of time now. sooner than you know it, and sooner than they know it, the kids will be driving and obeying their parents dating rules wont always be an issue. good luck and i hope everything goes well.

Answer 10

I would talk to the mother across the street and if she still insists that she cannot date until 15 then tell your son to let it go. Let the mother know that they are under full alert watch when they are with you or at your home and that you want the same watch when they are at her home.