Should I move out and leave my mother?

Question

I hate to ask, but I'm not sure what to do. My dad helped my mom quit drinking so they could try to keep our family together, but my mom, who is 7 months pregnant, just told my dad that the baby isn't his. I knew she'd had an affair for about 3 years now but I didn't know how to tell my dad. My brothers have already moved out, my dad moved out the other day and I can't say that I blame him. Anyway, part of me wants to stay with Mom because she is my mother and this baby is my half sister. Another part of me wants to go with my dad, because in a way my dad was the one who was there for me while I was growing up. I have mostly memories of my mother passed out. I feel bad about wanting to move out and leaving her alone but I think its the only way she's going to realize she messed up our family. If anyone could help, I'd really appreciate it.

Answer 1

Only you can answer this question but for advice since your close to your dad you should be talking to him about this i think. Though if you do move out this may make your mom realize she is running all her family off with her problems and possibley get help then . Let your mom know if you do move out that you love her very much but, your tired of living like this and you will not tolerate her behavior any longer. She is your MOM she is suspose to be setting examples and all she is making the mistake NOT you remember that ok? Good luck.

Answer 2

I don't see in any of the other answers, though they are good, the suggestion of going to an Al-Anon meeting. This is a support group for families of alcoholics. I think this would help you a whole lot to get some outside opinions from professionals and others who have experienced similar situations. I would recommend you move out with your dad while you maybe pursue this. Yes, it's leaving your mom alone, but really, truely, you need to put yourself first, especially if you are still in school. If you stay until the baby is born, there is a good chance that you will become this baby's mother. And I think there may be a part of you that wants this. That is not good for you, your mom, or the baby. Maybe your mom will realize she has a secondchance with this baby to be the mom she couldn't be for you and your other siblings while she was drinking. If you let yourself finish growing up and get some help for any issues from being the child of an alcoholic, then you will be in a better position to help care for your baby sister down the road. Definitely keep in touch with your mom and be there for her, but from a distance for now. Alcoholics need to do much on their own, without anyone enabling them. Please check into the Al-anon thing. As a product of three generations of alcoholics and a marriage to one, I know this group is very helpful and that you can't help the alcoholics, they MUST help themselves first.

Answer 3

well i think the man that made your mom pregnant should help her now....if they have been seeing each other for 3 years they should know each other well enough and he should take responsibility of this situation...i know it hurts you , but i can not say to leave your mom...she needs help from somewhere...she is your mom and she needs support and not everyone turn against her now....at 7 months she does not need to be abandoned....i am sorry that the only memories of your mom is that she is passed out...she does have problems...and i know it is bad for all you kids...and i am sorry for your dad.. she needs to be awakened i am sure but maybe your half- sister will do the job...lets hope so because a baby needs a lot of care...my mom has helped me so much it is hard for me to see it any other way...i would be there for her....but you have to do what you feel is best and that will let your conscious rest...surely she already realized that she has messed up severely...i do not know what else to say but take one day at a time.. and i wish you the best and god be with you and your family...maybe you could talk your mom into some counseling...that would do her a world of good..it is not good to be drinking while pregnant...

Answer 4

Don't move out to punish your mother. She knows, she has messed up and she had the courage to tell your Dad that the baby is not his. People make mistakes and she is paying for her mistakes now. Your mom needs to find a support group to get through this tuff time. Ask your mom what her plans are and if she is going to continue with her affair. You need to be comfortable with your accommodation. Maybe your Dad and Mom can work things out after all. This could be a new beginning for your family.

Answer 5

The answer would depend on how old you are and what you can deal with. Staying with your mom will not only put alot of responsibility on your shoulders, but a great deal of stress on you.You are going to have to be able to live with whatever choice you make. At some point you will have to decide what is best for you. Dealing with a recovering alcoholic is not an easy road. I feel that you should talk to someone who you respect (giving them all the information about the situation). Whatever you do will have an effect on your relationship with all the other family members in the end. Please do not make a choice based on advice from people you don't know , who have only part of the information. This is a big choice to make with long reaching effect on your life and the people that know and care about you.
I wish you luck and hope everything turns out OK for you and your family.

Answer 6

I think right now the most important thing is ur sister! I think u should stay until ur sister is born and then decide what would be best for her. Tell ur dad that u love him very much and what ur mother did and has done is very wrong. but u dont want to c ur sister suffer between the problems your family may be having. I think she knows that the family is messed up and its not like she doesn't care but doens't c how to improve it. Stay and help ur mother because if u move out and shes alone what is she starts drinkin while pregnant. I wish u luck wit ur decision and if u need someone to talk to or more advice feel free to message. me /

Answer 7

Alcoholics can go to AA. Family members of alcoholics can go to Al anon. They will help you with the questions and the hard decisions. Your Mom needs help, but until she's ready to ask for it, you need to know how to cope.
And what about your new little sister? She's going to need someone around that's strong and will protect her. If your Mom has been drinking while she's been pregnant, your sister has a high probability of having Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and that's a lifetime sentence.
Maybe moving out after the baby is born, and helping someone else ( or you ) become the legal guardian, is the answer.

Answer 8

it takes a lot to quit drinking if she is an alcholic. thats took a lot and she is still probably on shakey grounds.

how does she feel about your dad and your brothers moving out?

you are between a rock and a hard place. i hope that your dad is ok with you spending time with your mother and he has my respect for all that he has been through.

its rough to try to be an extended family, but stay close to your brothers and your dad. no matter what.

did your dad want you to go with him or is he trying to make a totally new start?

does your mom know who the father of the baby is? is he in the picture?

i think that she knows that she messed up and i think that she knows that she did wrong. but is she supposed to pay for that the rest of her life too?

give her a chance and see what happens. time will tell and do spend a lot of time with your brothers and dad. you deserve that too.

good luck

Answer 9

Hi,
I don't know your age, but in my opinion, I can suggest the best move for you. Your mom apparently has been drinking for a long time. She is sick. It's a disease which interprets this way:
Dis (not) ease (comfortable). She is horribly uncomfortable with her life and herself. There is help. You should contact the closest AA office and tell them your situation and ask them to send some ladies out to speak with your mom. Usually they require the person that is ill to ask for themselves, but they may make an exception since you need help so badly. If they won't send anyone, they will gladly send information......pamphlets about the disease and meeting places and times, along with phone numbers to call for a ride or other support. That would be a beginning for you and your mom.

Alcoholics suffer horribly and do things they forever regret, because they have no regard for themselves. They have no self esteem and feel they have no purpose in life. Their only joy is in getting so drunk they can forget every unpleasant thing or feeling they've ever had.

AA meetings teach people how to change their thinking and find joy in every day life with sobriety. It's a process and requires a lot of meetings and a lifetime commitment. Once she attends a meeting she will find many people willing to help her.

Just get the material and leave it around the house. One day she may decide to read it, but only when she's suffered enough.

As for you, you must do whatever your spirit tells you. Just know you aren't helping your mom get sober by staying and accepting her abuse and self-centered behavior. You aren't helping yourself at all either. You need to be free of this problem and make your own life, not live in her mistakes. Every adult has to be responsible for themselves, sink or swim.

Most will do it when all other options are out of the picture. Don't let yourself be one of those options available to keep her sick.

Alcoholics aren't bad people needing to get good. They are sick people needing to get well.

You can tell her about it, but only she can decide whether to save herself or not.

Many blessings to you. You may actually get your mother back one day.

Answer 10

The real question is what do you really want. The problem is as a child of an alcoholic you had to learn coping skills which teach you to always put yourself last. What is best for you? Where will you feel safest and have the most serenity? It sounds like you would like to live with your Dad. Remember you are the child, not the parent. It isn't your responsiblity to take care of your Mother. It is her responsiblity. The best thing you can do for you mother and your sister it to take care of yourself first, be as healthy as you can be and then you can provide the support and love.