No support?

Question

Hi, I have a cousin who is very unsupportive, she has let me down many many times. My uncle who I am looking after as he is very ill is living with me. Now she is a niece to this uncle but she has her own family. She phone most nights asking about how he is. She lives in the same area as us but she hardly visits once every 3 weeks. Her excuse is she is ill as well and has her children to look after. Now this uncle and myself have helped this cousin out of much difficulties and bad times. We saved her and her childrens lives by bringing them to the country we are living in now. What I require from her is somebody who will listen to my worries about our uncle. And support, but she does not give me that support. If I ask her a question about a worry concering my uncle she throws the question at me. What shall I do guys still give her daily updates of uncle or just say he is fine an if I say he is just fine all the time will she get the message. Sorry this question is a long one.

Answer 1

Hello Happy, so very sorry to hear about your problem with your cousin, you are very brave and dedicated to be looking after your Uncle. I commend you for doing so.. your Uncle is a lucky man to be having a niece that has so much care in her heart.

I am sorry that your cousin hasn't supported you in the way you like.. sometimes people just don't have the same ability as others. I think.. and it's just my opinion of course.. that if she calls tell her how he is.. but ask can she come around to have a chat.. cup of tea/coffee, now.. don't get upset when i say this.. but if she does come round ask her how things are for her.. even though you might have had the worse day.. just ask her.. listen to her, then Happy, tell her how you are feeling about your Uncle.. ask her if she could maybe just come round and do a little thing for you.. even just to make you a cuppa.. and let her know how wonderful she would be to help you - it's surprising how when we feel wanted how we perk up..

I wonder what sort of problems that she has gone through.. but Happy.. you are so wonderful at support.. she trusts you and I am so sure that your strength helps her get through the days.. and nights..

Once I had a friend who i thought of as a sister.. she used and used me.. when I needed help guess what??? Nothing.. but even though it went on for years.. like that - I still helped her as I thought I was strong enough to cope. I have a another friend just like that now. Life deals some with cruel blows. You saved this girls life and now she has to learn to be here..

I blame this country on not helping carers.. we are awful at it. Ask your local council if you can get some support of sorts.. l am sending you a big hug.......... take care of yourself.................. you are doing such a good job.. despite feeling so isolated. Send your worries over the net here.. we will be here to answer you..

hugs from the superhighway...

Answer 2

Well, you can explain to her that she is not supporting you as you would like. If she doesn't genuinely care about you, she won't change and be nice. At that point, discontinue confiding in her, and find another friend (you can, you must be nice if you're taking care of a sick person...there's lots of support groups you could try...). You can confine your relationship with your cousin to the times when she might want to inquire about your uncle. Be kind and polite, and answer her questions, but don't expect her to feel sorry for you, she might just be a little self absorbed. Don't know if you need this advice or not, but perhaps you can work out a deal with her whereby she might care for your uncle for a bit so you can get some time to yourself; that way she can see for herself how he is (if hes not too ill)? If she's not an option, but you have another, try taking some time for yourself to do what you like or need. It's stressful to be a caregiver, and you shouldn't shoulder ther burden unremittingly.

Answer 3

Continue giving her status updates because that is the morally ethical thing to do. In time there will come a day when she will have to deal with her inattentiveness within her own conscience. As for gaining support with voicing your concerns about your uncle 's health and related issues, since you're aware she's emotionally unavailable, find another outlet to fill that need...( perhaps a clergyman, or trusted friend.) Good luck with this dilemma. What you are doing is admirable.

Answer 4

It's a sad fact of life that people don't GET IT where it comes to family and the importance of family; till they are much more mature; and by then it's often too late~ I would try and find a way to get her to understand that you need to BE THERE for your family, before it's too late. Just HOW you are going to accomplish this is a thing that you might want to muse over and work out possible ways to introduce it to her. Perhaps via a well worded letter?
Either way, good luck with your Uncle and taking care of things.

Answer 5

well i don't know how to help u, but if she ask about him i don't see the hurt of u telling her how he's doing. it's not like she is not showing any concern about your uncle. maybe hearing u talk about it may not be a subject she care to discuss. she probably rather hear about good things rather than bad. maybe u need to look at things on a positive side. like be thankful that ur uncle is alive and don't talk about how hard it is for u take care of him. it's ok to pour out how u may feel at times, but speaking of it too much may make him feel unwanted or making it seem as though u are doing things for him to be seen or just to say what u have done.

Answer 6

i know how you feel love its very hard looking after a person who is very ill, there is nothing much you can do if your cousin wont help out, only remember the next time SHE needs help, as for her just ringing you to see how he is, i would just say to her -- " sorry im very buzy at the moment looking after uncle but you can come & see for yourself how he is, thats if you can be bothered," then put the phone down, if she cant be bothered to go round & help you just ignore her, you can get help from the government or call centres or here on line, my heart goes out to you sweet, just get the help you & your uncle need dont bother about her,

Answer 7

Next time she calls say to her that if she wants to know how her uncle is, that she will have to come round and see him. Tell her that whilst you appreciate the daily progress checking calls, if she cannot practically support you, that you need her to emotionally support you. If she still doesn't give you any support, then when she calls each day tell her each day that she needs to visit if she wants information.

Answer 8

It is not the children or anything like that making your cousin act this way. Because, you have mentioned you needed to help her out in the past she must be unstable and unmotivated. People like this need all the help they can get, but due to their own mental issues they can give back in small quantities.

It's not that she doesn't care, because she does. She just doesn't have the motivation to do things.

Answer 9

Accept that she's not going to support you.

If you keep trying to lean on her for emotional or other support, you'll feel let down and you'll push her even further away.

It sounds like you need someone to talk to, to listen and understand.

Accept that your cousin is not that person, and set about finding someone who is.


If nobody is, write it all down in letters to nobody in particular. It'll help, much better than bottling everything up.

Answer 10

hi, i would say if you were concerde about uncle you would come an see him yourself its easy makin a phone call, what would she do if no phones ?