Should a non-custodial parent have to discuse this with the custodial parent?

Question

My son came home from his dads after the summer visit with a horrible "highlight" job on his hair. There was a blond circle around his head. I asked who did it and he said that his dads live-in girlfriend did it. My ex is not a very involved father anyways. He only sees our son about 4-5 times a year and only calls about the same amount, and even when he gets our son, he leaves him with the girlfriend, his mother, or some other family member. So I doubt he even was involved in this "highlighting disaster". As my sons primary caregiver, shouldn't I have been asked if this was okay to do before it was done? Just for the sake of avoiding a conflict? I saw a similar case on 'Judge Judy' about a stepmom piercing her stepdaughters ears over a visitation, without even discusing it with the mom, who the child lived with. Judge Judy said that just to avoid starting a fight with the mom, the dad should have at least discused it with her first. What do you think?

By the way, I already repaired the awful "highlighting". That is not the issue. The girlfriend overstepping her rights, or lack of rights, is what the point is.

My son is 10 and I divorced his dad while I was still pregnant. He only saw my son 4 times in the first 2 years of his life, and only 4-5 times a year since then. He has already been married and divorced since me and now has this woman living with him.

Answer 1

I totally agree with you. I think that if your ex isn't an involved father, then TRY to talk to the girlfriend. Do this CALMLY - I know this is probably hard, but for your sake - try. Tell her flat out that you would appreciate being asked before doing or allowing something like this to take place. Tell her that your primary reason is that his school has certain rules and with it being SOOOO close to the start of school, it would have been better avoided. Also tell her that you appreciate her trying to bond with your son, especially since his father doesn't take much interest. (This will come off as you are trying to find a common ground with her - even if you can't stand her.) I have had a ton of dealings with non-custodial parents doing the wrong thing and the custodial parent being left frustrated with the outcome. The main advice I can give you is that the person in the wrong is your ex, and the best way to deal with him is to get the girlfriend to "see" your side of things. This means manipulating her into feeling like she has to contribute to being responsible, when he wont. I hope this helps. Good luck with future dealings with them.

Answer 2

If it was me, I'd take it to court and have it in a written order that the father can't leave the son alone with the girlfriend. Girlfriends come and go and a variety of women in the picture isn't giving your son a very positive way of looking at male-female relationships. But that's just me.

I think she should have called and asked. If nothing else, as a courtesy to you as the mom since she isn't related to him. Talk to your ex and tell him that you are uncomfortable with the situation. You don't approve of your son being left with the girlfriend while he does whatever. While he's at work, ask that the boy be with one of his relatives during the day. A grandmother will be less likely to do stupid stuff with him. Tell him how you feel and ask that he follow your wishes to avoid taking this to court. That should scare him enough to comply, at least for awhile.

Ask your son how he feels about the situation. Talk to him about what is acceptable when he is not with you. Let him know that it isn't OK to do things like that without your permission. Set boundries with him and trust him to tell his dad and the girl that "Mom doesn't want me to do this without calling her first". If they talk him out of it, or override your wishes, maybe it's time for limited visitation.

As mean as it sounds, the father's feeling are not a priority here. The best intrest of your son isn't a power struggle between Mom and bimbo girlfriend. I say bimbo because no intelligant woman would do a dye job, let alone a bad one, on a child without asking one of the parents first. She needs to respect you and your rules, even when he is there. So does Dad. You are the one raising him, you have to deal with all of him, good and bad. You have to deal with the consequences when something goes wrong, like a bad dye job. If you had left it alone, he'd have to face ridicule at school. That's not fair to your son or you.

As for comparing your situation to TV, don't do it. What goes on the air is what is going to get attention. It isn't the real world no matter what they say.

Answer 3

yeah it is a bit*h isn't it when you get into a situation where they are being taken care of by people whom you really don't know, that are the girlfriend or current wife of the one person whom you disliked enough to divorce. It can make you just want to go over there and give the girlfriend a buzz cut herself.
But you see you can do something about this if you want to. See your son is 10 years old and that is plenty old enough to stop highlighting to his hair and other piercings or tattooing that might be offered to him. You have to make it clear to your boy when they tell him to tell you to blame it on them that you are sorry, that will not be way it goes down if he comes home with anymore body adornments you have not okayed.
I know this sounds kind of like hard dealing with a 10 year old when they have to take on some of the adult responsibities but you can't allow this to continue or when he becomes a teenager he will start to take more liberties when he gets to go to dads. I have lived it myself hon, and it just sucks. When they go you worry yourself sick until they get back. If you put the responsibility onto your sons head he will grow up knowing if they are doing right or wrong in response to his answers, and if he tells them no and they make him do it anyway. that is grounds for a court battle and you should put on your armour and hire that lawyer. Your son will be better for the holding him responsible for his own personal well being. it will make him think before saying yeah go for it.

Answer 4

You are correct. She overstepped her rights. Actually, as the girlfriend, she has no rights. And dad is an idiot. I'd tell dad that the next time someone wants to do something to your son's body, you, as the primary caregiver, need to have prior notice and you DO have the right of veto. If he continues to ignore you, I'd have a long talk with your lawyer about the arrangements.

Answer 5

you didnt say how old he was or if his father lives close by. yeah, you should have been asked, but if this is the worst thing that happens, its not that bad. i hope your not letting your emotions get in the way of your judgment. alot of times parents are overcritical of each other because they are still pissed off because of their break-up and that could last a lifetime. all that does for the kids is confuse them. my ex and i had one of the most amicable divorces ever, the judge said it was refreshing to see something like that, and it still screwed up my son. dont let the little things turn into big things, a divorce is the worst thing that can happen in a kids life. compounding it only makes it worse, i found out the hard way. good luck.

Answer 6

I think the problem is that it was the husband's girlfriend doing it rather than what was being done. If your son was willing to let her give him highlights, it means he was a willing participant. Like you said, it was an easy correction job. What it sounds like is that you want to argue with your husband about the girlfriend. I wouldn't, if I were you, unless you don't want your son to have a relationship with his father. Don't use your child as a pawn in your little game. What will happen later is that your kid will end up hating YOU.

Answer 7

Sure, you should have been consulted on this. However, the hair is repaired. Don't make a big deal of it. Make note of it and ask the father and his girlfriend to please consult you in the future. Don't freak out. You need to have this woman on your side as she is taking care of your son and even though she gave him a bad dye job, she obviously cares enough to give him some attention and spend some time with him. Get her on your side AND tell you son, under no circumstances is he to get his hair dyed without speaking with you first, even if he is with his dad.

Answer 8

You should have been consulted on this matter and all matters pertaining to your child. I would not want to start a fight with the girlfriend,but I think I would just say that in the future if it would not be too much trouble,could she please call you and inform you of further matters that pertain to your child. Just so there can be no misunderstandings in the future. And yes,I would talk to the girlfriend and not your ex.

Answer 9

She did overstep her bounds a little, but they are not required to ask you first. He IS the father, after all. And why would you let your child go over there if he's not that attached to him anyway? Is it court ordered? I hope so.

Answer 10

they should have called. just say hey next time you wanna go and do something like that please ask. i think if you don't say anything your son might come home w/ a big tattoo on his forehead or something he will regret later and was aloud to do only because is dad and dads girlfriend are trying to be the "cool" parents.