ADVICE NEEDED; Just learned she's a widow, should I tell her I love her (reprise)?

Question

Sorry if you have answered this question, I just needed to ask again for more advice.

I am 28 years old. I met this girl, 23 year old, three months ago and have grown in love with her in time. I have invited her a couple of times to have some coffee or eat lunch on three ocassions, only the first time she accepted. We talked many times on the phone. After two times of having my invitation cancelled (she had accepted both times) I decided not to pursue and called her to wish her the best in life and good-bye, a week later she left me a message at work to call her back and so I did. She revealed to me she's been a widow for six months and was afraid of entering a relationship but she wanted to continue seeing me. I have not revealed my feelings for her but I think I need to before this goes forward and grow deeper that will hurt even more. Should I?

I wanted to add that I do not want to appear as if I'm taking advantage of her because that is not the case, but sometimes some people can perceive intentions that are not accurate.

Even though materialistic things are unimportant after such a hard loss, just as additional information she told me she had a house, car, everything everyone wants to begin a full life and begin a family. She lost everything when his family took it away. But I guess the loss that hurts the most is that you had everything you wanted for and you couldn't even begin it. I'm so sad when I think of it, which has been a lot in these last couple of days since she told me.

She had been married for a year and he died of cancer. He was 32 and she was 22 during their marriage.

Also for those who suggested I was falling in love because I felt sorry for her are just wrong, it was the little details like our talks and her smile, that kind of thing. This all happened before she told me about her situation. She emanates some tenderness that makes her lovable, at least to me, a kind of innocence that obviously she doesn't have anymore.

Thanks for your advice.

Answer 1

I just want to cry for this woman, but it sounds like she has found a great friend and very possibly more in you. just keep doing what you are doing and build a solid relationship with her, let her know you care through actions rather than words for the moment.

Answer 2

Take it from one who knows. If she has just been a widow for 6 months, she has not had a time to grieve and what she does not need is pressure. You should give her support and your company but don't be trying to make moves on her. When she is ready, she will let you know. If you are in a hurry to get hooked up with someone it would be kinder for you to move on because she is still fragile and she may need you for the wrong reason.
Give her at least one year. Just be a friend. Don't reveal any feelings because that is a form of pressure. Your being afraid of being hurt is about you. . .Wrong reason. If you provide strong non threatening support, she will probably fall in love with you.

Answer 3

i think 6 months is way too soon after being widowed to start dating again...there is no way she could have worked through all the issues in that short of a period of time
seems to be she is asking for your friendship, that is why she likes talking to you on the phone. that could also explain why she canceled on you twice, she probably detected you were interested in more than friends
and you mentioned that she is afraid of entering a relationship and she may feel that way for some time
i think the best thing to do is just try to be her friend for now, once she starts processing everything she may grow to care about you more than a friend as well.
the best advice i can give you is to not continue to ask her on dates because you run the risk of making her feel pressured and she has clearly let you know she is fearful
when you make plans to spend time together make sure you make it clear to her that its a friendship thing not a date
and for gods sake do not start a physical relationship with this woman even if it is her idea, this will only confuse things
now, if you don't think you can do this because you have feelings for her, maybe you should just let it end now
this is a situation i know alot about

Answer 4

When I broke off a 3 1/2 yr relationship I was always on a rebound hunt. It won't help to be a widow. Not a good time to have a relationship. And plus she is way too young for you. You need someone to be on your level. she might just come out of her shell and party to get rid of her sorrow.

Don't make a mistake especially if she already cancelled on you twice. I had done that before, I had to cancel on someone a few times, because I wasn't in the right place yet.

Answer 5

See where SHE is willing to go with this relationship first. Since she has been so devastated so recently, give her the lead. Hold you feelings about her to yourself until or unless you know that this will go in the direction you desire. She is under alot of pressure right now and you don't want to sway her in the direction of a rebound. You want genuine reactions and feelings from her now. The BEST thing to do for both of you is to cultivate a friendship FIRST. Let her see that she can rely on you as someone who will listen to her grief without judgment, jealousy or pressure. Start with a good foundation and build from there. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Don't tell her you love her yet. You could scare her off. It sounds like right now she really needs a friend. Be that for her. You don't want to rush her into something that she'll regret. Be a strong shoulder to lean on and just listen to her. She's lost so much in these past 6 months, she needs to heal from that before she can look to the future. Once she's ready for a relationship, you'll be there.

Answer 7

Dude, I didn't even read the entire explanation because I got bored, but under no circumstance should you drop the L bomb on her right now.

She has turned you down a couple times because she is nervous about relationships in general. How do you expect her to react to Love? She, of course, would freak out and feel like she is cheating on the the memory of her husband.

Plus, I caught that she is 23. Dude....way too young and fragile to have the heavy stuff dropped on her. Let it take its course man, if you love her you'll let her come to terms with this thing and grow in love with you like you have with her.

Good luck to you sir. You are taking on a difficult project. I don't envy your position, but I admire your cause.

Answer 8

If you are half the good guy you sound like you are, I would say, be honest with her. Tell her you like talking with her and would like to explore something more, when she feel ready. Be ready and willing to be a friend first.
Grief after the loss of a spouse can take up to two years to resolve. I don't say "get over" because you don't - you resolve it, incorporate it into your life. If his family took all you said, then that will add to what she has to deal with.
Be there for her, support her, listen to her, give her space - again, tell her you want to be a friend first.
Good luck with your future.

Answer 9

Losing one's husband at any age is hard but to lose your mate at the beginning of their future together must be heart breaking for this young woman. Give her some time to adjust but don't give up on her. She may just be "the one". Be a friend to her now and don't rush the romance. That way if things don't work out, you've still gained a good friend. Good Luck

Answer 10

I wouldn't be in too much of a hury to tell your you love her. I would let her know that you are interested in getting to know her better and see where this leads. She needs time to mourn the loss of her late husband.

If you find that you are in love with her, the time/space you allow her will make that love grow even deeper.