What do I do about the tattoo my 18 year old son came home with knowing his father and I are against it?

Question

He is living at home and we are gladly paying all his expenses. He just graduated from HS and willbe attending college in Sept. and living at home. We had an agreement when he goes to college his father will buy him a car. We also let it be very well known that as long as he was living in our house a tatoo is out of the question. When he is on his own and supporting himslef and he wants a tattoo then, thats his choice, fine go for it. He recently came home with a tattoo(big one at that) and now we are struggling with the principle of the whole thing. We were about to get the car as well and still want to but it looks like we give him the car and just pretend the tattoo never happened? The car was a promise and a completley different thing but the timing sucks. We can learn to live with it but its the principle of the whole thing and it really hurt us that he did it behind our backs. He is a great young man and we have never had ANY problems with him. Theres no crime, just principle.??

Answer 1

well, to be honest, at a certain point he has to start making choices for himself. you can say "no tatoo while you live here" but if he is going to just go out and do it anyway (like he did) there is little room for anything but accepting the fact that he is growing into an adult who may or may not make choices that you may or may not agree to. you have to let go a little at a time and hope that the important things you taught him will prevail. i think your son should have respected your wishes but what's done is now done. i would let him know that while you love him, and are growing to respect him as an adult it hurt you that he could not return that respect to you and your husband as parents. i would go ahead with the car. if you act more hurt than angry...i think the punishment will be his own guilty conscience.

Answer 2

It's cute that people are telling you that what your son did is ok since he is an adult. If he were truly mature enough to be an adult then he would not have felt the need to do this behind your back. If he were truly an adult then he would not need all of the free handouts that you were giving him. Free car, free living quarters and free food. No bills whatsoever. That boy has no idea how lucky he is, he just assumes that you and your husband will continue to make life easy for him no matter what he does.

Your son chose to get this tatoo without regard to his parents wishes. That was a mans decision, and as a man he should be packing his bags and moving out to his own place, where he will pay his own bills and buy his own car while he works his way through college. Do not go easy on him just because you are not ready for him to leave your care. If you do, then you are just setting him up for a harder fall later on in life. The world is not going to take it easy on him. Not for one second. So if you really love him, then neither should you.

Oh and by the way, if he were even remotely interesting in hiding the fact that he got this tatoo, then he might have gotten it smaller.. He made the decision to get a large tatoo knowing that you would see it. Consider what that means.

Answer 3

I have a 16 year old son who recently asked if he could have his ears pierced. My husband wasn't thrilled about it but we ended up giving permission just because it's really a pretty small thing overall and at least he's not out breaking laws and causing trouble. I would just let it go if I were in your position. There are a lot worse things than a tattoo. Sure, he should have talked to you about it first, but he is 18 and it's legal for him to have it done without your consent. It sounds like he is a nice, responsible kid...be glad that he graduated and is going to college...too many kids drop out of high school and never even give college a second thought. Talk to him about how he made you feel and listen to his side of it. As parents we have to choose our battles. A tattoo really isn't going to make a big impact on his life in the long run. What's done is done, it's not worth letting it cause a rift between you, and he is legally an adult even if he does still need your help and support.

Answer 4

You said that he is a great young man. And I think you have good relationship with him.
Well, dun see this as he did it behind your back. Maybe he thought that it wouldn't be a problem with you. That's why he didn't tell you before. He's not a boy anymore, he can make his own decision even he's still living with you. He still has the right to his own body right?
I can understand that you feel disappointed, I would also feel the same. But the damage is done. You can't do anything to 'remove' the tattoo. All you can do is tell him the next time he wanna do something, you'll appreciate it if he tell you before.
Dun stay mad at him, cuz it won't bring anything. He's still young, needs to feel his freedom. And if keep on talking bout his tattoo the whole time, I'm afraid it would only push him away from you.
I'm sure you love him so much, sure you can forgive and forget the ONLY mistake he made, right? ;-)

Answer 5

I agree with you about the principal of the whole situation. I'm all about pricipals. Although I don't feel like a tatoo is a big deal (especially since he is 18), it is irrelevant in this case. The point that you are trying to make is that he got the tatoo despite you and your husband's wishes. You made it clear to him that as long as you are supporting him, he still has to abide by your rules. The fact that he got the tatoo anyway and made no effort to even hide it shows a huge sign of disrespect. It sounds like he is testing you to see how much he can get away with, especially now that he is going away to college. I think that if you get him the car right now, it will undermine your authority over him. Even though the agreement to get him a car was a separate promise and issue all together, he broke his promise to you as his parents to respect your decisions. Many people will make the argument that he is an adult now and therefore he can make his own decisions, however his behavior to go behind your backs and not speak to you about the tatoo is not adult-like.

I think that you should hold off on getting him the car for now as a consequence of his actions. If there are no consequences he may continue to see what he can get away with. I think that you should be able to speak to him in a calm manner without yelling. Tell him that you will treat him like an adult, but that he has to start acting like one and own up to his responsibilities. Perhaps after he has proven himself you can renew your promise to get him the car. If he comes back from college with good grades (and no more tatoos or piercings) after his first semester, perhaps then you can get his car.

Good luck to all of you.

Answer 6

Hi. I read your question and most precisely i understood your point. It is very hard to keep a principle...to keep a word with a teenager when difficult situations like this appear. If i was the father of this 18 year old teenager I would ask this son to give me a proper meaning of why have he, done something that we as parents made it clear not to happen. My point is the fact that he had done something without letting you know he's doing it explains a lack of deep relationship between you. You must understand that teenage times are times of conflict like peer group pressure and other many things. We have to keep in mind that we have to understand them but we have to make it clear that whatever happens we are their parents and we demand an answer of why he broke a rule we agreed on. So i think and i believe that if this was my child, this was my situation i would buy him the car but not when we decided to buy it for him. Procrastinating makes him feel guilty of what he did. Finally he is always your child without or with tatoo but principles and rules are principles.....I will will never forget manners and rules i have been thought at home. Final point give our children a break...make sure you dont push very hard on him... let him understand slowly.

Answer 7

He's 18 so he's legally considered an adult. I'm assuming he used his own money to pay for it as well.
He's a High School graduate and will be going to college soon, you've never had any problems with him... I say you should just accept the fact that he's an adult now and let him make his decisions in life from now on. It's no longer up to you to decide what he does or doesn't do in life even if he does still live at home.

Answer 8

Since he's 18...if he was living out of the house it would be no big deal. You shouldn't hold a grudge because it could become very sticky. You and your husband should sit him down sometime when he's not busy, and tell him that you're disappointed in what he did, especially going behind your backs, but the ultimate consequence is how he's going to like it in 10 years. Let him make his own choices now (and don't tell him that I said this :) ) but really, do you like the same music next month? Year? In 20 years? How is he going to explain it to his grandchildren? Anyway, let him know that while you still oppose it, you're going to let it go and leave him to deal with the possible consequences (infection, friends' opinions, etc.)

Answer 9

Sorry mom but that is the big trend today tattoos on both young men and ladies. It's a fad thing and if you've got a good son please be grateful for this. At least (hopefully) he didn't get a gals name tattooed on himself. Your disappointment will fade and soon enough you won't even notice it. I remember about 10 years ago my son and now daughter in law came to show off their new tattoo's. I gave them both, being politically correct, heck and went off on a tangent about how this is permanent and blah, blah, blah. There tats weren't even that big, she got a small flower on her foot, and he drama faces on upper arm. Bottom line is that is what he wanted to do, whether it was to fit in with some peers, be cool or whatever his reason it's done now and trust me he certainly isn't going to get it removed by laser or surgery right now. Why not approach it from the other side and ask to see it and compliment him on his choice of tattoo and say what a good artist the person who gave it to him must be.

Fact is you said it yourself. You have promised this young man a car after he graduated to attend college, so keep your word. Be proud of your son and let him know as often as you can how proud you are of the man he has become. I work with young people in conflict with the law and see lots of tattoos on both sexes. That matters not to me, but was does bother me is that most of these young people do not have loving supportative parents like you and your husband appear to be. Good luck and happy car hunting.

Answer 10

If you really haven't had any problems with him before, you shouldn't have any more real problems from now on... If he wanted the tattoo that bad that he did it even knowing you're against it, and that was the first time hi did something like that (disrespected you) I think you should learn to live with the tattoo, buy him the car if it was a promise, get on with life, but let him know that if he does something like that again he won't be that lucky... And then, if a situation like this should occur again, take some real discipline measures (i.e. take away his car)..

Hope everything works out!